Fortune's Fool
by RMacaroni
Summary: Edward is a bartender at a college town bar where Bella studies. They meet and the connection is instant. Edward has a very unfortunate past and is hiding many secrets, but he is not able to stay away from Bella. M for language, substance abuse and lemons
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything _Twilight_. No copyright infringement is intended.

A/N: Hi there. This is my first story so please let me know what you think!

Thank you to the lovelies Angelz1114577 & mcc101180 from PTB for their beta skills!

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

BPOV

My most recent heartbreak left me sitting at a bar by myself on a Friday night. _How pathetic is my life._ This whole impromptu girls' night out was such a load of bull. All I wanted to do was drink so I wouldn't have to think about how he had never been anything more than a friend to me, a good friend. How silly of me to think that he might have had feelings for me.

_Well, isn't that sad?_

Less than an hour ago, he went on and on about this girl named Jessica and how much he likes her, and wants to date her, and marry her, and have babies with her… Well, he didn't actually say he wanted to marry her. _Ugh!_ How easily I misjudged his friendship for something more!

"Hi, what would you be having tonight?" A soft, husky voice interrupted my mental rambling. My eyes traveled from my small girly hands to his large long-fingered ones which were resting on the countertop of the bar. Continuing their quest over the beauty that was standing in front of me, my eyes took in every detail. Forearm muscles flexing as they held his weight on the counter. Sleeves of a white button down shirt rolled up to his elbows. A skinny black tie hanging loosely from his shirt's collar. A chiseled jaw with a day's worth of stubble on it. Ocean-deep green eyes with arched eyebrows above them, waiting for my answer.

_Shit! I am supposed to speak now!_

My brain was searching for words as he moved away from the bar and ran a hand through his hair. Oh God, his hair_._ It wasa dreamily chaotic mix of red, gold and brown_._ As he stood in front of me, no longer leaning against the countertop, I could truly appreciate how tall he was, easily over six feet. He stuck his hands in his pockets as he balanced on his feet. My eyes roamed to his waist and the black pants clinging to it. The mere sight of him left me with burning and tingling ears, a heart pounding itself out of my chest, and a stomach in knots. I tried to swallow down the sudden parchedness of my mouth, but it's on in vain. Yet still words escaped me. Maybe I was having an aneurysm.

The god-like man standing in front of me cleared his throat which brought my attention back to his face, his male model face. "Would you like something to drink?" he asked me again in his low husky voice. I was pretty sure I was drooling.

"Um… yeah… I… Hi…" I stammered like a moron.

_Great!_ _Now he is going to think I have some kind of mental retardation._

"I'll just have a beer, thanks," I said, embarrassed and looking down. Once he turned around and left, I breathed out in relief, still shocked by the effect this stranger had on me. Luckily, when he returned, he only placed the glass in front of me with a nod and left, giving me no time to embarrass myself any further.

Angela Webber, my one and only girlfriend, arrived soon afterward and started drinking with me. What I liked the most about Angela was that she never asked me what was wrong; she knew I would spill when I was ready. She wasn't into drama, or gossiping, which was probably why she was my only girlfriend

…

After a couple of hours, I was officially intoxicated, and my afternoon with Mike was indisputably forgotten.

"I think your friend has had more than enough," bartender hottie told Angela.

_Wait,_ _is he referring to me?_

"Oh! Just when I was starting to like you!" I told him a little louder than I meant to and grabbed him by his tie. "Why don't you bring me another shot, baby?"

Okay, so I was a slutty drunk, sue me.

"Bella, please let's go," Angela begged, but I wasn't paying any attention to her. I was still holding the bartender by his tie, and he was definitely not complaining. He had a gorgeous lopsided grin plastered on his face, and if we were in a movie, his teeth would have sparkled with a bling-bling sound effect.

"So, tell me something interesting about your life." I sat back on my stool, releasing his tie. I was clearly drunk enough to be able to talk to him, but not so drunk that I couldn't make sense. It was a fine line between the two.

"My life is pretty boring. What about yours?" he asked, dodging my question.

"I'm just a student…" I sipped from my drink with a shrug. "Oh I love this song! Dance with me?"

Okay, so maybe I wasn't making that much sense.

"I'm sorry. I can't."

"Puh-lease! Don't be silly. Everybody can dance!"

"I do know _how_ to dance; it's just that you see, I'm working," he explained, waving his hand at the bar.

I looked around at the place, noticing it was packed. "Right, it's okay," I said to the empty space in front of me because he was gone.

…

I hadn't realized Angela had also left until I saw her coming back with Jacob.

"You called him? It was supposed to be a girls' night out!" I yelled at Angela as soon as I saw Jacob.

"What? You've been flirting with him the whole night!" Angela said, pointing at the bartender who had just gotten back. He smiled that crooked smile of his again. _Did he really just smile?_ My knees felt wobbly, but it could have been the alcohol.

"Hello to you too, Bella," Jacob grumbled, coming closer.

"You didn't have to come," I countered angrily. But as I tried to stand, my shoe got tangled on the foot rest of the stool, and I stumbled, nearly falling on my face.

"I know when I'm needed," Jacob said as he caught me. "How much do they owe you?" he asked the bartender as he steadied me.

…

I might have been pouting, with my arms crossed over my chest, annoyed at Angela for calling Jacob to the rescue, as we walked outside. Once we reached Jake's car, I suddenly remembered I needed to pee.

"I need to pee."

"Bella, c'mon! We're about ten minutes from your place."

"I won't make it."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"Okay, go." Jacob said, frustrated. Whatever, he did not need to come. I rushed back into the bar and sped up to the bathroom. On my way back, bartender hottie was standing outside of the bathroom, looking all James Dean-y.

"Listen, um… we turned the place upstairs into a cool spot to hang out. Maybe you want to come by tomorrow with your friends?" hottie bartender stammered, without looking at me. His hands were in his pockets as he talked. I looked at him, possibly drooling again, as he finally turned his eyes to mine when he spoke. "I am Edward, you're Bella." He extended his hand to me. My hand felt so small when surrounded by his. Mental retardation took over me once more, and I was speechless. Someone called him from the bar, so he dropped my hand, turned around and left. I stayed there for a second, wondering if my panties had actually melted.

...

In the following days, I started stopping regularly by Earl's, the bar where Edward worked, in a pathetic attempt to get to know him. If he thought I was a crazy stalker, he never showed it; he always greeted me with a smile. Even though he was always busy, he would find time to talk to me. Edward was a man of few words, asking me questions about myself more than he shared with me about himself; nevertheless, I was able to learn a couple things about him. And by couple, I mean two, as in there were only two things I really knew about Edward. First, he didn't go to school, and he was very cryptic about it too. Second, he played soccer, and he hoped to play professionally one day.

Despite my limited information on Edward, I was completely drawn to him. I loved talking to him even though I did most of the talking. I could easily come up with excuses to go to Earl's, to take a break from studying, to relax, to see my friends… you see the trend. Tonight was no different. I sat on my usual stool as Edward approached me.

"Hello, Bella," was his usual greeting. He would appear in front of me, behind the bar, with his white shirt's sleeves always rolled up, and he would tap the wood of the counter with his long fingers.

"Hi, I'm waiting for Angela." I was hoping to sound less pathetic tonight by actually having someone coming with me.

"Okay." He smiled. "So, what would you be having tonight?"

"The usual."

"I'll be right back."

"Thanks." I gawked at him as he went to make my drink. He looked tired tonight; his shirt was sticking out in the back, and I could tell he was sweating. I looked around and noticed the place was full and the other bartender wasn't there. My thoughts were interrupted by a guy who sat next to me.

"Hi gorgeous, I'm Phil," the guy said. He was much older than me, maybe in his thirties.

"Hi Phil, I'm not interested." I could be so snappy sometimes.

"Oh, rude. Why don't you let me buy you a drink?"

"No, thanks," I said, standing up. I wanted to move far away from the creep.

"Wait, don't leave. Come on! Just one drink," Phil said, grabbing me by my elbow.

"Please, let go of me. I said I'm not interested," I told him calmly, but he wouldn't let go of my arm.

"C'mon! Just one beer."

"No, thanks." I saw Edward coming behind Phil. "No, thanks," I repeated and tried to jerk my arm free.

"She said no." Edward was grabbing the guy's shoulder from behind. Asshole Phil finally let go of me.

"Oh finally you came! I've been waiting for my beer for like an hour!" Phil yelled at Edward.

"I'm sorry, sir. I'll be right back with your drink." Apparently Edward was used to dealing with assholes like Phil.

"That's more like it. And bring one for her too."

It was clear by now that this guy was not giving up, so I just rolled my eyes at Edward when he looked at me hesitantly. Edward went to get the drinks as I stood there, uncomfortable and fidgeting, next to Phil. Earl's was really busy tonight, so when Edward returned with the drinks, he had to leave them and go attend to other people.

_Where the hell is the other bartender?_ I thought, annoyed.

"Here," Phil said, pushing the beer closer to me.

"Gee, thanks!" I mocked sarcastically.

"So what's your name?"

Without answering, I took the beer, drank it all in one gulp and put the glass back on the table. I was tempted to burp in his face, just to piss him off, but I didn't.

"Thanks for the beer." I gave him an obviously fake smile. "Bye."

In an attempt to stay away from creepy Phil, I went upstairs where the private hangout area was. I usually never came here because it was far from the bar, and well, Edward, but tonight it seemed like a good idea. I didn't have too much time to feel pathetic about being here by myself though, because a few minutes later, my gorgeous bartender came in the room.

"Bella, I was looking for you." He ran a hand through his hair as he spoke. "What are you doing in here?"

Edward was standing in front of me, in his usual work ensemble, one hand in his pocket and the other raking his hair.

"Nothing." I shrugged, getting up from the puff chair. "I wanted to get away from that creep."

"Listen, I'm on my five-minute break. Come outside with me?"

My heart swelled with expectation at his words. I really hoped my smile wasn't as big and foolish as it felt when I nodded profusely at him. It might have been though, because he shook his head as he turned around and gestured for me to walk in front of him.

We walked downstairs and through the back door to the patio. He guided me swiftly, through the crowd, his hand barely touching the small of my back. The back patio had a couple of metal benches, and it was surrounded by trees. Once outside, I turned to face him, and he was fishing around in his pants pockets looking for something desperately.

"Do you mind if I light a smoke?" he asked with a cigarette in one hand and a lighter in the other.

"Ugh, I rather you didn't." I sat on the bench with my hands on my knees looking down. Memories of my mom were quickly coming to my head, and I fought hard to push them out.

_He smokes._

I was disappointed; my gorgeous bartender wasn't perfect after all.

"Really?" he asked surprised, his voice high-pitched in shock. He had the cigarette already dangling from his lips.

"Yes."

"Oh," He took the cigarette between his fingers and groaned as he paced in front of me. "I really need this one. Do you mind if I just keep it between my lips, unlit?"

I looked at him in disbelief. "Oh just light the damn thing, if you are _that_ desperate."

"Thanks," he said, quickly lighting the cigarette. He inhaled deeply and closed his eyes as he blew the smoke out of the corner of his mouth. He looked so relieved, it was sickening.

"That's disgusting!" _in a very, very sexy way_.

"I'm sorry. I know, it's a nasty habit."

"Yeah, it is."

"So, Angela isn't coming? Right?"

Was he referring to my lousy attempt of not appearing as the pathetic stalker that I was?

"Busted." I looked down.

"Why do you come here by yourself?"

His question took me by surprised. I glanced up at him and he was still standing in front of me, smoking, staring at me with a frown. His look was so intense it left me tongue-tied. "Um… I don't know… to hang out … with you?"

My jumbled mess of an answer made Edward look down at his shoes while he kicked the gravel around.

_Oh God, here we go._

"It's not a nice place for a lady to be hanging out by herself."

"Oh please. Give me a break!"

"I mean, and taking drinks from strangers?"

Edward continued to smoke as he paced in front of me. I couldn't tell where he was going with this.

"Are you jealous?" I asked with a smile, teasing him.

"No," he said, and as he smoked, his jaw muscles twitched minutely. I couldn't tell if it was a lie or not.

One of the waiters came outside, interrupting us. "Edward, they need you inside."

"I'll be right in." Edward took a last drag of his cigarette and got rid of it in the outdoor ashtray. He grabbed his neck with his hand and looked at me hesitantly.

"You look really tired."

"I am," he said, coming closer as I stood up. "Listen, I appreciate you coming here to hang out with me, it's just that… um… I'd rather if you bring a friend to be with you or something."

"Or," I started, tentatively. "We could meet someplace else." I smiled, hoping he would ask me out.

"I'm sorry; I pretty much work every night."

_Ouch…_ Not exactly what I wanted to hear. Edward started to walk toward the door to go back inside.

"Oh," I followed him, looking down.

"Maybe you can come tomorrow night; it's the one-month anniversary of the place." I was having trouble keeping up with Edward. Did he want me here or not?

"Will you be working?" I asked as he opened the door for me. He was such a gentleman!

"Yeah, but I'll find time for you," he said and smiled, his crooked smile, at me.

...

As we went back inside, I noticed how Phil, the creepy guy, was looking at us. Edward went straight back to work, and I sat down on a barstool as far away from Phil as I could. Edward brought me a drink and winked at me before he left again, leaving me swooning in my stool.

"Check please!" Phil yelled from the other side of the bar. When Edward gave Phil the check, the asshole started yelling at him again. "What the hell? Are you fucking retarded?"

"What's the problem, sir?" I heard Edward say politely.

"Did you charge me for the beer that little bitch took?"

_Oh no he didn't…_ I was already on my way before he finished his question.

"What the hell is your problem?" I barked, facing Phil.

"Bella, please, don't," Edward pleaded with me, holding one hand out. I noticed immediately his tense pose. The muscles on his perfect jaw line were doing that twitchy thing again, and his knuckles were white and sticking out of the hand he was fiercely gripping the counter with.

"You should pay for that beer. I didn't want it." I pointed a finger at Phil.

"Sir, please." Edward moved between Phil and me. "It was a mistake; I'll check on it. Just leave the lady out of this, please." He looked at me and implored with his look that I didn't say anything else.

_What the hell? Why is he being such a coward?_

I looked at Edward and rolled my eyes at him before he left.

Seconds later, Edward came back sans check. "Don't worry about it. Everything's on the house."

"That's more like it," Phil said, turned around, and left.

_What an asshole…_

"I can't believe you!" I was so angry; my voice was louder than expected when I faced Edward.

"Bella, please," he said through his teeth.

"Is that coming out of your pay check?"

"Yes," he sighed.

"Why did you let him get away with it?" I was so frustrated. I just didn't understand.

"Don't you get it?" Edward lost it. "I need this job! He is the customer. I don't want to get fired."

I knew I should have dropped it. Edward was angry and I was frustrated. This was clearly not going to end well. "You could get another job."

"I already have two jobs!" His eyes were getting darker with anger.

Having him yell at me fueled my anger, and I couldn't stop the next few words from coming out of my mouth. "What for? Are you saving to go to school? You could get a scholarship, you know?"

"Don't you get it? I don't have my daddy to count on while I don't have a job!"

"What do you mean by that? Oh please. You know what? Forget it." I turned around, desperate to leave. This night had taken a turn for the worst.

"Bella, wait. I'm sorry," Edward said behind me. I stopped and turned around to face him. "I'm under a lot of stress right now; I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

"It's fine, I just don't understand."

"Listen…" Edward looked behind his shoulder at what was possibly his boss staring at us. "We can't really talk right now, and I still have another hour here. Why don't you go home? We'll talk tomorrow."

"Fine. Whatever."

"Damn it," I thought I heard him say behind me.

…

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

**A/N: Thanks for reading! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything _Twilight_. No copyright infringement is intended.

A/N: Thank you to the lovelies evelyn-shaye & dreamergirl87 from PTB for their beta skills!

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

EPOV

After hearing the "customer is always right" speech from my boss about thirty times, I was finally able to leave work. It was past three o'clock in the morning, and I was exhausted. I took the bus home, which was a calming routine for me, since I would always get off one stop early to smoke a cigarette while I walked the last blocks home. The streets were quiet as I walked and smoked. That was rare; there was always something going on, someone screaming, some loud music playing, someone fighting… just one of the perks of living in the ghetto part of town. Having been born and raised in this neighborhood, it was all I'd ever known, and I hated it, passionately. It didn't matter though, because one day, I would get my family out of here.

I opened the door to my house carefully; Tanya and Mandy were surely sleeping by now. I walked in, dropped the keys silently on the table, and strolled towards Mandy's bedroom door. I opened the door cautiously and edged closer to her bed. There, sleeping like an angel, was my little girl. Her long curls were spread all over her pillow, and her legs were tangled with the sheets. Ever since she was little, Mandy wrestled her way through her dreams, kicking and turning fiercely the whole night. At the beginning, we thought she might be having nightmares, but she always woke up so happy, never remembering what the dreams were about. Later on, we came to realize that my little princess was a fire cracker and had more energy than she was able to spend on a day, so she was most likely running around playing games in her dreams as well.

Kneeling in front of her bed, I brushed some of her hair behind her ear. She turned around, and I could see her face, her eyes closed, her little mouth open in an "o" shape, and still sound asleep. A small chuckle escaped my lips as I saw the stuffed soccer ball she was clutching under her arms. I gave her a little peck on the cheek as I got up.

I left Mandy's room rubbing my neck; my whole body was screaming at me to lie down for a while. I searched my pants' front pocket for my ring. The last thing I needed was for Tanya to notice I wasn't wearing it; I would never hear the end of it. I had tried to explain to her, many times, how the other bartenders told me no ring equaled better tips. I didn't think much of it and doubted it would work, but hey, on the chance of increasing my tips, I did it. Truthfully, I never really thought it would make a difference. I would never cheat on Tanya, despite our crappy life together. And yes, I got hit on, frequently, but only by senseless drunk college girls looking for a one night stand.

Not wearing my ring hadn't been an issue, really, until Bella. I couldn't lie — I liked Bella. I would never act on it, of course, but it was still true. Since that first night she walked into Earl's, wearing skinny jeans and a hoodie, I couldn't get her out of my head. I suspected she liked me too, but she was different than the other girls. She wanted to get to know me, wanted to talk to me. I still didn't comprehend why a girl like Bella would be hanging out with me. She was too beautiful, too smart, and too good to be hanging out at Earl's. Tonight had been nothing but proof of that, with that fucking old pervert wanting to get in her pants. Bella had tried to deal with it her own way, but it ended up on me. To make things worse, I had snapped at her, raised my voice at her. I hoped to get a chance to apologize to her.

I was still pissed off as I lay on the bed and set the alarm clock. Even though I was careful not to wake Tanya up, having turned the lights off and closed my eyes, I felt her turn around and put an arm around me. I was asleep soon after that.

…

I was one of those people that got up on the first beep of the alarm. I couldn't afford to snooze, ever. I was always rushing for something. Rushing to practice at six in the morning, rushing to job number one, rushing to job number two. Rush, rush, rush. Tanya and Mandy were still sleeping as I left for soccer practice. We practiced every morning, except Sundays, from six-thirty to nine. It was intense, but I loved it. Playing soccer was the only time I felt good at something. I didn't mind getting two hours of sleep; I wouldn't miss this for the world.

After practice I would always go back home, to eat, shower and get some rest before job number one. As I got home, I noticed the little head of long, soft, blond curls running around the yard, trying to catch a squirrel. I tossed my cigarette quickly before I walked to her.

As soon as my princess saw me, she came running to me, squealing. "Daddy!"

"Hi, sweetie!" I smiled at her, picking her up and going inside, while she rambled in my ear about the squirrel's tail size.

I smiled at Tanya, who was in the kitchen fixing me breakfast.

"Daddy, are you gonna teach me how to ride my bike today?" Mandy said as I put her on the floor.

"Amanda, you know your dad has to leave for work at eleven. Let him go to sleep." Tanya said from the kitchen. Mandy was looking up at me, full pout on.

I crouched to face her and ran a hand through her hair, brushing her bangs out of her eyes. "I'll teach you tomorrow, okay?" I whispered against her forehead, giving her a little peck before heading to my bedroom. These were the moments when I regretted going to practice, even though it was the only thing I did for me. Being so tired all the time was really cutting on the time I could spend with Mandy. I wish I didn't have to sleep. It would be so much easier. With a groan, I face-dived on my bed to try to catch some sleep, but I could hear Amanda sobbing outside.

"But he promised," my baby girl sobbed to her mother, and it crushed my heart.

"Sweetheart, you know your daddy works a lot so you can have everything you like, like that bicycle."

"I don't want a bike if I can't ride it!"

I looked at the clock. _It's ten anyway…_

My baby's face lit up as she saw me coming out of the bedroom. There wasn't anything I wouldn't do to put a smile on that pretty little face of hers. "Let's go, Baby. Go get your helmet."

"Yayyyyy!"

I chuckled as Mandy ran to her room and rushed back out, helmet on, clasping herself on my leg. She wrapped her arms around my thigh, her legs around my ankle, and started giggling as I lifted my leg up. I walked outside with my little spider monkey wrapped on my leg.

…

Job number one was cleaning pools at another neighborhood. It was easy work that didn't require me being fully awake. Mandy was napping when I came back, so I was able to get a couple hours of sleep before having to leave to Earl's.

Saturday was the worst day of the week, with the whole weight of the week plus the accumulation of hours of no sleep; I was pretty much a zombie on Saturdays. Tonight, Earl's was going to be especially bad. It was the stupid anniversary of the place. At least I hoped Bella would be there, so I would get a chance to apologize for last night, to talk to her. I enjoyed Bella's company. There was nothing wrong with that, right?

…

As expected, Earl's was packed tonight, and I was struggling to keep up. I felt like an octopus juggling bottles and glasses back and forth. It wasn't until around eleven that I saw her. Her hair was down, long and brown, flowing freely over her uncovered shoulders. A black strapless dress clung to her body and ended on her thighs. I gulped when I realized that the hot brunette who'd just walked in was none other than Bella. Her black Converse shoes were what gave her away. The sound of the beer bottle smashing on the floor snapped me out of my trance.

_Shit…_

After cleaning the mess I'd made, I approached Bella, who was already sitting at my section.

"Hello, Bella. I didn't think you'd come," I said lamely.

_What a load of bull_.

I did think she would come. I hoped and wished that she would.

"I came here with my friend," Bella announced, pulling a guy by his sleeve and sitting him beside her as if to make a statement. I risked a glance to her side and recognized him immediately. He was the huge guy that had come to pick her up the other night when I first met her. She was sad that night and drank more than she could handle. Still looking at the guy, I felt a groan building in my chest, and my hands were turning into fists. I had told Bella to come with a friend, but I had meant a _girl_friend.

_What the hell is my problem? Why do I care who she brings?_

I needed to get a grip on myself. Maybe it was because I was exhausted, or maybe it was because of what Bella was wearing tonight, but I couldn't coax any rational thoughts into my head. I wanted Bella away from her friend. I wanted Bella alone with me so I could talk to her, ask her about school and apologize for yelling at her last night.

I glanced at Bella, who was smiling broadly at me, her eyes beaming with excitement. Her shoulders straight, in a pose that seemed unfamiliar on her, but that emphasized her collarbone and her chest. I had to swallow hard again. Bella was going to be the death of me.

Unable to speak without probably embarrassing her and myself, I looked around the bar, searching for an out. Luckily, reason prevailed, and I turned around to go attend to other people that were waiting for drinks.

…

I couldn't get Bella out of my sight tonight; it was a miracle I didn't cut my hands cleaning the three more beer bottles I dropped. My eyes were on her constantly, wishing I could just sit and talk to her for a bit. Her friend had left her alone and was now entertained dancing with a girl. As soon as he was gone, some guy approached Bella and asked her to dance. Bella looked up at him in consideration, while she smoothed the skirt of her dress, and I thought I might have to clean another shattered bottle of the floor, but luckily, she turned him down.

I sighed in relief, realizing I had been holding my breath, as I debated with myself whether to approach her or not. This was so wrong, on so many levels. I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to regain some control, but then I looked at her and the way her black dress highlighted the ivory color of her thighs, and my brain just lost the fight.

"Hi," I said lamely, leaning on the counter.

Bella looked at me, and her eyes brightened as she smiled. "Hi."

"I'm sorry. I didn't think it was going to be as packed as it is."

I wiped with a handkerchief the sweat from my forehead.

"Yeah, I know." She dropped her eyes from my gaze, and I could tell she was already disappointed in me.

"How can I make it up to you?" I offered.

"I want to dance," she replied, looking back up at me.

_Shit…_ That would be tricky.

"Let me see what I can do, okay?"

"Really?" she asked behind me, but I was already gone. Acting on an impulse, I walked to Ian and asked him to cover for me. Bella looked at me uncertainly as I walked around the bar and back to her.

"Want to dance?" I extended my hand to her, and she smiled broadly. With her hand in mine, I walked to the back of the dance floor, hoping that no one would see us.

As soon as we were in the back, a slower hip hop song started playing, making me freeze on the spot. What the hell was I doing? I still had her hand in mine but had no clue how to proceed. She looked at me expectantly and smiled.

Bella was a friend. I could dance with a friend. Right?

I spun her around, and she started giggling, but when I pulled her close to me, she stopped. I couldn't describe what having her body so close was doing to me, but it was clearly clouding my thoughts. My hand lingered in the small of her back, aching to move lower, as she swayed her hips in front of me. She was so much shorter than me that my chin barely met the top of her head, which was unfortunate, because the scent of her hair —vanilla with a hint of something else, maybe coconut?— was driving me mad, and I had to swallow hard.

_This is so wrong_…

I tried to get my hands to release her and get some space between us, but my hands were having none of that. They lingered on her body as my breathing was rapidly getting out of hand, and I tried in vain to control it. We kept on dancing, and she closed her eyes, laying her head on my chest.

_Jesus… I like her… so much… I am fucked_.

The song ended too soon, and the bass of the new song was loud enough to snap me out of my daze. My hands dropped to my sides as I took one step back away from her. As soon as I let her go, my arms were already missing her touch. I tried to take a deep breath but realized too late that I was already having trouble breathing. I glanced up and saw Ian looking for me.

_Shit…_

"I'm sorry."

"You got to go. I know," she said disappointedly, looking down. Her hair cascaded forward, hiding her face, and she ran both hands to pull some of it behind her ears.

"I'm so sorry," I tried again, but air just wasn't getting in my lungs. "It's just that…" What could I say really? How could I explain when I couldn't even speak?

"It's okay," she said, her voice full with sorrow. I wished I could have stayed and tried to explain, but I really had to leave. My breathing situation was getting out of hand.

…

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

**A/N: This is my first story ever! So I would love to know what you think!**

**Thanks for reading! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything _Twilight_. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thank you to the lovelies Angelz1114577 & mcc101180 from PTB for their beta skills!

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

BPOV

_Oh my God…_

In my life, I had never felt such a connection with anybody. As soon as his hands were on me, it was like an electric current was flowing from my body to his. I was pretty sure he felt something too because he was breathing fast and hard.

I found Jacob sitting at the bar. "Oh my God, Jake!" I squealed in excitement as I sat down next to him. My heart was still pounding in my chest.

"What happened?" Jacob said, glancing at me.

"We danced." I smiled.

"And?"

"He is…" I couldn't find an appropriate word to describe him. "He is magnificent!" I chirped, trying to catch my breath. "You know? There was a connection." My hands were still tingling from his touch as I ran them over my skirt. "And for the record, I am a fan of vests starting today." I pressed a finger on the countertop in emphasis. All the bartenders were wearing vests over their white button shirt and skinny ties. There weren't words to define how Edward looked in that vest, but maybe magnificent came pretty close.

"Magnificent?" Jake snorted. "Bella, shut up. You are just drunk," he teased.

I looked at him disapprovingly. I wasn't drunk. Or maybe I was drunk— on Edward. "I'm serious, Jake. And most importantly, I've come to realize that I'm always complaining about not having someone, but I never do anything about it!" I took a sip from my drink as I spoke. I didn't realize how thirsty I was until the cold liquid hit my parched tongue.

"I've never heard you complain about that."

"Well I have, at least in my head, you know? And I always wait for the guys I like to make the first move, but then I end up becoming their friend and advising them on how to deal with their girlfriends!" I kept on going, and Jacob smiled at me. It was true though. That was exactly what had happened with Mike, which was why I had decided today to dress up a little bit. I always wore jeans and hoodies, and Edward was soon becoming more of a friend than anything else. And it had worked! He had asked me to dance!

"Listen, Bella," Jacob interrupted me. "You could have anyone you like. I could tell you a million reasons why. If that guy doesn't want you, he's an idiot. Or maybe he's really smart and knows you are way too good for him, so he'd rather save himself the heartache."

I glanced up at Jacob as he turned around and scanned the bar.

"Aw, Jake! You are so cute!" I pinched his cheeks with both hands.

"Stop it! There comes my piece of ass," Jake said, referring to the girl who was coming out of the bathroom. I laughed at his comment, rolling my eyes.

Jacob started dancing with his girl, and I was again left alone at the bar. My eyes searched for Edward, but he wasn't back behind the bar yet.

_Should I tell him I like him? Isn't it too much too fast?_

As I searched the place looking for my gorgeous bartender, my thoughts were interrupted when a certain someone came from the other side, holding hands with a girl.

"Oh great," I mouthed sarcastically, turning around on my stool. I started scratching the surface of the countertop with my finger, lowering my head and hiding my face with my hair. Out of all the bars in the city, Mike had to come with his new girlfriend to this one!

"Are you talking to yourself?"

I looked up at Edward, startled; I didn't see he was standing in front of me.

"Oh… hi… yes…" I stammered, distracted.

I hated that Mike was here. I didn't want to deal with him, or his new girlfriend.

"Are you okay?" Edward was staring intently at me, with worry in his eyes.

_Was I okay?_ "No," I sighed.

"Oh…" Edward was visibly thrown back by my answer, but what else could I say? "I'm sorry, I-I would like to take you outside and talk to you. You know? Get some fresh air, but… I-"

I had to interrupt his struggle for words this time. I didn't want him to feel guilty over this. "It's okay. You're working. I understand," I said, standing up. "Don't worry about it."

I went outside, like Edward said, to get some fresh air. I could see Mike greeting Jacob and saying hi to everybody else without letting his girl's hand go.

_Ugh…_

"So, what's wrong?"

I gasped as Edward startled me again. He stood a couple feet away from me, hands in his pockets, balancing on his feet.

I sighed and dropped onto the bench. I noticed how he moved his foot slightly forward, as if he was going to come closer to me, but then he actually stepped back.

"Listen, I'm sorry. I've been working nonstop so that I can go home early. My boss lets us go early if we don't take any breaks, but it's hard not to, even harder if you are here," he said, looking down.

"Stop apologizing. You are just doing your work. What do I know about working or having a job when I have my daddy to give me money, right?" I didn't know why I felt the need to throw that back at him. Maybe I was still pissed and needed to vent.

"Yeah, I've been wanting to apologize about that. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that." He took his cigarettes out of his pocket. "You know it." He paused to get a cigarette out of the pack. "I'm sorry, I need this one."

"There you are apologizing again." I glanced up and smiled at him. He had the cigarette dangling from his lips, and it was wrong, so wrong, how sexy it looked. He came closer and sat next to me, giving me a crooked grin that was, well, magnificent. I couldn't help but stare at his eyes; they appeared a profound green in this light. He turned away and lit his cigarette.

A little groan escaped his lips as he took a deep drag. "I really needed this one." He exhaled loudly, sinking into the bench and rubbing his neck.

"Are you always this stressed out?" I questioned, and he smiled without looking at me.

"Well, today's been a long day." He kept smoking, blowing the smoke away from my face. The smell was unappealing, but the way his lips pouted as he placed the cigarette between them was everything but.

"How come?" I asked, trying not to pry, but failing miserably.

"You don't want to know." He shook his head dismissively.

"C'mon, tell me. I don't know anything about you." I crossed my right leg over my left and turned my body around to face him. I was pretty sure he looked at my knees and then up my leg. But instead of looking at me in the eyes, he looked away again, shaking his head ever so slightly.

"It's boring, and I came out to see what was going on with _you_. You looked so sad." He peeked at me sideways as he spoke. He was frowning and his eyes showed concern. Whether it was for me or for something else, I didn't know.

"Please, I want to get to know you." I tentatively raised my hand and touched him on his knee. I felt the electric current again, only this time he flinched away from me.

"I had soccer practice at six-thirty in the morning, my other job at noon, and then here at eight," he said in one breath, cryptic as always.

"When do you have your free days?"

"Sundays, but I have games on Sundays. The rest of the day, I try to sleep as much as I can. I don't get much sleep on weekdays," he explained, turning to face me.

"Oh," was my brilliant response.

"I told you, it's boring," he said, blowing smoke away from me but still looking into my eyes. It was hard not to gawk at him while he smoked. Especially with the way the little crease between his eyebrows deepened as he inhaled. Or the way his lips puckered as he blew smoke out.

"It's not boring; it just seems like too much." _No wonder why he looks so tired all the time._

"I bet school is a lot too," he said, staring at his feet, as he finished his cigarette. He smoked really fast. He started searching for something in his pocket again.

"What? You want another one?"

"No." He stood up quickly. "I got to go," he said through his teeth.

"Is everything okay?"

His fists were clenched at his sides, and I could see the tension in the muscles of his forearms.

"Yes, um… My break is over." He gave me one agonized look before he turned around and stormed out. Something was wrong. His arms were stiff at his sides as he walked inside.

I stood up as well and strode back in behind him, but he was already out of my sight. Completely confused by Edward's actions, I wandered aimlessly around the bar. It bothered me that I wasn't able to figure him out. Something was up, that much was clear. But he was so cryptic about everything it was hard to tell.

"Bella!" Mike intercepted me with a huge ass smile and a hug. I couldn't help but notice how having his arms around me did nothing for me. "Hi!" he continued. "Jacob told me you were here, but I didn't see you."

"I'm here." I shrugged.

"This is Jessica," Mike introduced the girl he was holding hands with.

"Hi," I said, extending my hand to her. "It's nice to meet you."

As we started talking, it became obvious why Mike was crazy about this girl. She was cute and funny, and obviously crazy about him too. The fact that she had big boobs might have helped too. I was taking this surprisingly well.

When Jessica excused herself to go to the bathroom, Mike took the opportunity to grill me.

"So what's the deal with the waiter?" Mike asked, smiling.

"He is not a waiter. I'm going to kill Jake," I said with a groan.

"What's his name?" Mike was curious but friendly.

"Edward, and he is a bartender," I said defensively.

"So, what's the deal with him?"

"Nothing! There's no deal!" I snapped at Mike, and he flinched back.

"Okay, sorry." After an awkward silence, he tried again. "What do you think about her?"

"About whom?"

"About Jessica!"

"Oh, I don't know. Why are you asking me this?"

"Well, your opinion is important to me, Bella. You're my friend," Mike said sweetly, smiling. I glanced at him feeling like a complete idiot. I couldn't believe I had misunderstood everything. Obviously Mike never had feelings for me. He had always loved me as a friend, as a sister almost. Had I really liked him? Or had I just liked the idea of having someone? _Ugh!_ I wanted this night to end.

"I… I- I think," I stumbled over my words. "I think she's great, Mike. You two make a good couple."

…

Mike and Jacob were dancing with their girls, and I was once again sitting by myself at the bar, feeling miserable for having overreacted about nothing. So what? It wasn't a big deal, right? I had misunderstood my feelings for a friend. _Whatever!_ Having gotten a chance to think about it more clearly, was I out of my mind? Mike and I had absolutely nothing in common. And I have never felt drawn to him as I felt to Edward.

I was twirling the straw in my drink when I saw Edward coming out from the back break room and slamming the door. I could tell something was wrong with him, so I followed him outside.

He was pacing back and forth with his hands on his hips. "Edward? Are you okay?" He turned around at my words, and the sight of him made my blood run cold. His chest rose and fell rapidly with his fast breathing, his eyes were glassy and the color had drained from his face.

He plunged on the bench closing his eyes, resting his body forward with his elbows on his knees. "Hey, what's going on?" I asked softly, sitting beside him.

"I… can't… breathe," he groaned, stopping after each word to take a fast shallow breath while he held his head with his hands.

Realization fell on my like a bucket of cold water. He was, literally, having trouble breathing. I could hear him wheezing beside me, breathing way too fast. He was hyperventilating. "Shit!" I stood up, freaking out, ready to run and go get him help. As I took my first step, he grabbed my wrist, pulling me back.

"Wait," he hissed. "I… need… can… control…"

I watched him uncertainly. He grabbed his face with his hands again, letting go of mine, as he struggled to take deeper breaths. The only recollection about hyperventilation in my brain was people breathing into paper bags. Where could I find a paper bag? I sat back beside him and started rubbing my hand on his back, hoping it would help him calm down somehow.

I could feel his back muscles straining under his shirt with the effort. He would take a breath and try to hold it in before he wheezzed again. Thankfully, after a couple minutes, his breathing started to slow down. When he sat up straight, his eyes were watered, and he pressed the heels of his hands against them.

"Better?" I asked softly, and he nodded, probably unable to talk yet. He was taking longer breaths now. "What happened? Can you talk? Do you need anything? Should I call 911?" I blurted out nervously. He turned to face me and ran a hand through his hair. His face was staring to regain some color; his cheeks looked a little flushed. I smiled at him in relief, and when he smiled back, I might have swooned a bit.

"I'm okay," he announced, standing up. He paced in front of me, hands on hips, his chest moving up and down as he breathed deeply. "Don't worry about it, okay?" His voice sounded hoarse from exertion.

"How can you say that?" His nonchalance was pissing me off. His episode had been freaking scary, and he was not going to play it down. Not in front of me. "Your lips were turning blue. You were about to suffocate!"

"It wasn't that bad," he countered dismissively, sitting back down. I could tell he wasn't quite recovered yet.

"What was that?"

"Asthma."

"You have asthma?"

"Yes, so?" He shrugged, firing my irritation.

"And you smoke?"

"Bella…"

"You are more sensitive to it. That last cigarette you had was what caused you the asthma attack!"

"No it didn't."

He had to know it did.

"And you want to be an athlete? You are insane."

"I don't want to talk about it, okay? I'm sorry, I'm not perfect." He was still calmly looking down, his fingers intertwined and his elbows on his knees.

"You should talk about it!"

"Talking about it makes me anxious, and feeling anxious makes me want to have another smoke. So, let's not talk about it," he snapped at me, standing up again and pacing back and forth. He rubbed circles on his chest with a fist.

My stomach turned. I was clearly not helping. "Sorry."

"No," he said, breathing deeply. "I'm sorry." He slouched on the bench next to me with a sigh. "Look, I know it gets scary. I'm planning to quit. It's just; it's been a rough day. That's all."

_Aren't they always planning to quit?_

My mom's image came to my brain instantly, and I fought hard to stay away from those thoughts.

"When did you start smoking?"

"Thirteen."

Edward has been smoking since he was a kid. I still didn't understand how someone would do this willingly to their body. I was shaking my head, trying to look for something to say when he continued. "I know it sounds bad."

"It does, Edward. It does."

"Bella, please, I really don't want to talk about this today," he pleaded, rubbing his hand on his chest.

"Fine," I said, giving up. "Sorry."

"It never gets that bad. I can usually control it, but I couldn't find my inhaler, and my boss was all about me taking my break or not, and I just lost control of it. I'm sorry you had to see that," he said still rubbing that hand on his chest.

I wondered why he did that. _Was he still in pain?_ I decided to do some research on asthma, but for now I dropped the subject.

"I got to get back to work. Are you going to be fine?"

_Me? He is worried about me?_ I thought, my heart clenching.

"Yeah, I'll just go home." I stood up, smoothing the skirt of my dress.

"Is your friend going to take you home?" he asked, standing up too.

"Nope, they're with their _girlfriends_," I said, spitting the word like a curse. "I rather go by myself anyway. I'll walk or something."

Walking would be good. It would help me clear my head.

"Walk? By yourself?" His voice sounded concerned and slightly annoyed, but it might have just been hoarse from his asthma attack.

"It's not that far, and it's not like I've never done it before."

"I have like one more hour until I get out." He shifted his weight on his feet, looking down.

"I know. It's fine." I walked past him, completely over this night already.

"Maybe, um… you want to wait and I can walk you home," he offered, stammering, and I turned around to him. For a couple seconds, he held my sight, and he looked hopeful? Nervous? The muscles on his jaw twitched.

"You don't need to do that," I said, looking down. His stare was so intense I needed to blink a couple times to regain control of myself, and my panties.

"I want to." He took a couple steps forward, coming closer to me. I glanced up at him, surprised at how close he was.

He kept on staring at me, and then he brushed some of the hair falling on my forehead back behind my ear. "Okay, I'll wait." I smiled. Maybe this night didn't have to suck after all. Edward shook his head, dropping his hand from my ear. He nodded once and turned around, leading me back inside.

…

An hour and a half later, I was tired and wanted to go home. Everyone had left already, and I was waiting outside for Edward.

"I'm sorry, I had to close again." Edward rushed out the door looking deliciously disheveled. He had changed from his work attire, the vest and tie were gone, and the black dress pants had been changed for jeans. His shirt was unbuttoned all the way down, and he had a V-neck t-shirt underneath.

"That's fine," I said, trying not to noticeably gawk at the bits of chest hair peeking out of his V-neck.

"So, where do you live?" He ran a hand through his hair.

"Off campus," I said, pointing west.

"Oh," he said and sighed.

"You just realized that our places are in opposite directions, right?" I asked, ready to give him an out.

"Let's go," he said, and we started walking to my place.

…

On our way to my apartment, I told Edward about school, and he told me about soccer. He said he had a game the next morning and seemed pretty excited about it. He looked exhausted, and I wondered how he was able to work nights and play in the morning. He was so passionate about it though; I could see how he could give up sleeping in for it. I loved listening to him speak about soccer. I couldn't wait to see him play. When he invited me to his game, I had to fight hard not to do a happy dance.

…

"So, this is me." I jumped on one of the steps to my door which almost leveled me up to his height.

"Right…" He looked at his feet but did not move. I fisted my dress at my sides just to have something to do. Silence took over us for what seemed like a very long time.

"Actually," I broke the silence. "If you don't want to walk all the way back to your place, um… you could like, crash on my couch or something." I leaned a little closer to him, and he glanced at me. We were face to face, without speaking, staring at each other. He leaned forward, and my heart was pounding audibly, and just when I thought he was going to kiss me, he pulled back.

"I'm sorry, I- I can't." He staggered back, rubbing a hand on his chest.

"Oh," I said in realization and sat on the stairs covering my face. "I'm… I'm sorry. I- I misunderstood everything!"

_I can't believe this is happening again!_

Of course he didn't like me! It didn't make any sense for him to like me! He was a Greek god, and I was just plain average looking me. I thought I might be able to tell if a guy liked me or not, but I was wrong.

"No, listen, it has nothing to do with you."

"I thought you liked me back. I'm—" I couldn't finish because he interrupted me.

"I do." He looked at his feet again. "But…" he trailed off, hiding his fists in his pockets.

"It's okay. It's not the first time that this happens to me. I'm an idiot!"

"Wait, no. I do like you. You don't even know how much…" he stammered, making no sense. I looked up at him, trying to figure out what he was saying. "I-I got to go." He looked at his watch. "I'm sorry."

He took a couple more steps backward. I stayed down, my eyes on him. More silence. He made no attempt to leave; he just stood there staring back at me. I rose from the steps and walked up to him. "I'm sorry," he said again, holding his hand up, as if he didn't want me to come any closer. With that, he turned around and left, leaving me utterly confused and feeling like an idiot.

...

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**A/N: Thanks for reading! :)**


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything _Twilight_. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thank you to the lovelies mcc101180 & evelyn-shaye from PTB for their beta skills!

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

EPOV

_I am completely fucked. _

Trying to stay away from Bella the night before had failed miserably. Something was going on with her, but she wouldn't tell me. And why would she? It wasn't like I had been honest with her at all. I knew I was crossing into dangerous territory as I continued to approach her. Yet somehow I had ended up walking Bella home and almost kissing her. And I wanted to, so badly. I didn't know how I managed not to. I couldn't think of anything I wanted more than my lips on Bella's, or maybe I could, but I wouldn't go there.

_What the hell I am doing?_

_Why can't I just stay away from her?_

_I am married, for fuck's sake. _

It was true that Tanya and I had been growing apart for a long time. I couldn't even remember when the last time was that we did anything together. Tanya had always resented me for the crappy life that we had. And I wasn't naive— this was nothing close to the life I'd hoped to have either. I would be going to school and close to playing soccer professionally. I could see myself in that world; it would be so easy to be with Bella then. But of course, that wasn't my world. Bella wasn't for me. And I wouldn't have Mandy if I didn't have Tanya. I should be embarrassed to even be having these thoughts.

It was with deep hatred for myself that I arrived at the field in Renton Park, where we were playing today. I warmed up reluctantly and tried to get Bella out of my head to focus on my game. As usual, I scanned the bleachers in case any recruiters were there. It was highly unlikely that recruiters would come to a small game like this, but hey, a guy could dream.

There were no recruiters in sight; however, sitting a couple rows up, wearing tight skinny jeans and a purple hoodie, her hair in its usual messy bun, was Bella. I never thought she would come to my game, not after what happened the night before. It was clear by now: Bella would never cease to amaze me.

The ball, which I was clearly not paying attention to, hit me on the thigh with a smack.

"Dude, who is it?" Ian came jogging to me, probably thinking I had spotted a recruiter. He glanced in the direction I was looking. "Isn't that the girl that comes to the bar all the time?"

My eyes were still on Bella when Ian turned to look at me. "You are just wasting your time. She's way out of your league, plus she's with that big guy all the time," Ian said, patting me on the back.

Ian didn't only play defender on my team; he also bartended at Earl's. I kept looking at Bella, noticing that her huge friend was there with her. I had to admit it bothered me, more than it should have. I side-eyed Ian and faked a smile.

"You don't even know." I sighed, withdrawing my eyes from Bella. I needed to focus on the game. I thought what happened the previous night had been the end of everything with her. Part of me was glad that it wasn't over; a greater part of me was scared shitless.

Just before the kickoff, I glanced up at Bella. Her eyes met mine, and she gave me a smile and a tiny little wave hello that made my stomach tight with emotion. The referee started the game with a whistle, effectively tearing my eyes from Bella, and I focused on kicking these guys' asses.

…

The match was pretty even, and the first half ended zero to zero. As I jogged to my team's bench, my eyes, without my permission, wandered to where Bella was sitting, or had been sitting. Her friend had left, and she was now sitting closer to my bench, on the first row. On an impulse again, my body shifted in her direction, and I was no longer running toward my bench.

I grabbed a water bottle from the grass next to the bench. "Bella, you came," I said, sounding like a moron as I stated the obvious. I ran a hand through my hair, which was damp with sweat and sticking to my forehead.

"Oh my gosh, Edward!" she cheered with a smile, looking happy and excited, and, well, beautiful. "You were so good!"

"Thanks," I said with a chuckle, drinking from the bottle. The water was refreshing against my dry throat. Bella was staring at me, and I was a little self-conscious of my appearance at the moment. I knew I was sweaty and muddy from the game, but I didn't know if she would find that disgusting or not. I cleaned my mouth with the back of my hand, and Bella bit her lip and blushed.

_Holy shit, that's hot._

"So, you like soccer, huh?" I said, trying to keep my hands to myself and stop my finger from pulling her lip from her teeth.

"Yes! Of course! I used to watch soccer games with my dad when I was little."

_Must she be so adorable all the time?_

"That's nice, um… I got to go back to the bench. It's great you came after all," I said, staring at my feet. "You know, after what happened last night." My voice came as a mumble at the end.

"It's all right. Don't worry about it," Bella said casually. I glanced up at her, surprised by her offhand attitude, trying to figure out if it was real or not. "Good luck on the second half!" She smiled broadly at me and gave me two thumbs up.

The corner of my mouth turned up involuntarily at her dorkiness. "You leaving?" I asked, unable to hide the disappointment in my voice.

"No, I'm going back to my seat." Bella turned around and walked back to her seat. Her jeans hugged her ass in such a lovely way, that it took me a couple of seconds to answer.

"O-Okay." It was probably too late for her to hear me anyways. I took a deep breath and went back to the bench, where my team was waiting.

…

The second half started, and we were still dominating. After a foul in our favor, I made the free kick, and it turned out to be a great cross, which my teammate headed into the goal. We still had about fifteen minutes left, and I was pushing our line forward for another goal. I was advancing through the right when a member of the other team tackled me from behind to try to get the ball from me.

_Fucker…_

I felt my knee pop as I fell down, and I couldn't stand back up. I could hear my team mates yelling to the guy, but I stayed on the ground, grabbing my right knee, writhing in pain.

_Shit, shit, shit!_

Someone sprayed some numbing gel on the back of my knee, which helped only marginally. As Ian helped me get up, my leg was hurting like a mother. I probably should have gone out, but as I stood up straight and limped around a bit, I signaled to the coach to let me stay a bit longer. "I'm okay," I mouthed to him. There were only fifteen minutes left on the clock anyway, so I tried to keep playing. My knee buckled a couple times, and I knew I wasn't running as much as I could. After a sprint to try to score, I couldn't help but limp back. Coach took me out.

_Shit…_

I was closer to the bench on the other side of the field, so I limped that way and sat there alone. I was worried the other team might take advantage as the game kept going.

"Hey, are you okay?" Bella came closer, holding a water bottle on her hands. I was grabbing my knee with one hand, trying not to be a pussy, but I was in pain. The ache was growing stronger as I cooled off. I looked up to her, and she handed me the water. I drank, trying to limit myself to a wince.

"Thanks," I said, still panting. She sat next to me.

"What happened?"

"It's my knee. I think it popped out. It happened one time before and feels the same."

"Popped out?" Her eyes widened.

"Yes." I smiled. Bella was worried about me. The thought of Bella caring for me had me all warm inside. "It's okay. I know how to fix it." I took a deep breath. "I'm waiting for the pain to lessen so we can do it."

"We?"

"Yeah, you just need to pull it and—"

"Pull what? Oh no, let's call that guy. Is that spray the only medicine he has?" she asked nervously, standing up.

"Listen, Bella, I'm sorry. It's all very amateur here," I explained with a smile. "I trust you better than him." I turned my attention back to the game; the other team had the ball and was moving forward.

"But, I mean, can you walk? Why don't we go to the doctor or something?"

"Oh great! Just great!" There was going to be a penalty kick against my team. "I knew it!" I yelled, standing up. The other team scored the penalty kick, and the game ended one to one. "Damn it!" I smashed the bottle of water on the ground.

"Hey, calm down." Bella grabbed my hand. Her touch did weird things to my body. It scared me how much it calmed me. I sat down next to her and grabbed my throbbing knee. I couldn't help but groan and close my eyes. She caressed my hair with her other hand. "Edward?" she asked, and I glanced at her. My eyes were getting watery.

_What a pussy!_ _Here she is comforting me, and I'm crying like a baby._

"Why do you like me?" I blurted out without thinking. Her hand dropped from my hair, and she stared at me with wide eyes. I let go of her other hand. "I'm— I'm sorry," I stammered, standing up and limping away.

I heard her getting up and walking closer to me. "No, wait. Listen, I do like you. What's not to like about you?" Her words knocked the air out of me, and it took me a minute to start breathing again and turn to face her. She looked straight into my eyes. She had beautiful deep brown eyes.

_Why is she doing this to me?_ _Doesn't she know I can't…_

My eyes found hers, and my body just gravitated toward her. My hand listened to no sense and I caressed her cheek. I was so close to her; my nose was almost touching hers. My breath was coming hard through my nose. Half an inch closer and my lips would be on hers.

_No! Of course she doesn't know I can't… because I haven't told her why I can't…_

I pulled back, again, with a groan. "Damn it! Bella, I'm sorry. I… I— I can't do this!" I said, covering my face with my hands. I heard her sigh. "There's a lot about me that you don't know." I tried to sit down, but when I bent my knee, a shock of pain coursed through me, and this time I moaned loudly.

"Okay, stop. Let's just stop doing this, please? This is not why I came here today. I just want to be your friend, so don't worry about it. It's fine." Bella grabbed my hand as I rubbed my knee with the other one. "Let's just figure out what we are going to do about your knee. Let's, um, find a cab and go to the hospital, yes?"

"No. Listen," I started, taking deeper breaths. I was glad she was giving me a way out of this, at least for now. I extended my leg over the bench with a wince but focused on my breathing. "I'll grab my thigh, and you need to pull my foot very hard and fast until you hear a pop," I explained.

"Wouldn't that hurt?"

_Yes, like a mother._ "It's the only way. Don't worry. Just pull it hard, and I'll be fine," I tried to convince her.

"Um, okay. I guess… I don't know, Edward!" Her voice quavered, and she stared biting her bottom lip.

"C'mon," I said through my teeth, grabbing her hand and looking straight at her. "I trust you."

Her eyes were uncertain as she held my gaze. I grabbed my thigh with both hands and tried again to control my breathing. She nodded once in determination, stood up and walked around the bench to grab my foot. She wrapped my ankle with both hands and glanced at me for further instruction. I took a long and deep breath, preparing myself for the pain. "Go," I instructed, closing my eyes and holding my breath.

Bella pulled at my foot with as much strength as she could muster. My whole leg was screaming in pain. I grabbed the bench with one of my hands and tightened my grip. She let go of my foot too soon, before my knee popped back in. I lay down on the bench and covered my eyes with my arm, breathing hard.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Bella cried, getting closer to me. She kneeled next to the bench and put a hand on my shoulder.

"You need to pull it harder than that," I hissed, trying to keep my voice even.

"I'm sorry, I can't. I feel like I'm hurting you. Please, let's go to an emergency room. Please?" She was weeping when I turned to face her.

Bella was worried, to the point of tears, about me. I wanted to reach for her cheek with my hand and wipe her tears away. I took another long breath and sat down. I didn't want to go to the hospital, but I knew she was not going to be able to do it. Last time I got injured this way, two guys needed to pull my foot until my knee popped back in. So I gave up and stood up.

"Okay, let's go." I decided, limping toward her. She helped me walk while she called a cab on her cell phone.

…

We had been at the county hospital for at least three hours. I couldn't remember exactly what time they had put me in the bed, but it was already four o'clock. I insisted Bella go home, but she refused and stayed with me. The male nurses and the attending doctor had tried twice to get my knee back into place, but it just wasn't working. I refused the pain medication for obvious reasons, but they would not try again until I took the meds. They just needed to fucking try again already; I didn't know how much longer I could endure it.

I had my eyes closed, trying to control my breathing, when I heard the door open and close. I braced myself to try one more time to refuse the medication.

"Hey…" Bella's sweet voice surprised me. She was still here. Her hand caressed my clammy forehead, and I opened my eyes. "How are you?" she asked with a sad face.

Her eyes were still teary as she assessed me, and her voice sounded troubled. I needed Bella to help me, so I tried to convince her. "Bella, listen, I'm not going to take those pain killers. You have to help me convince them." She looked at me.

"But, why won't you take the medicine? It would make you feel better, and then they could work on your knee easily."

_I can't take the meds. I can't. I can't…_

"I know, Bella. I know." I grabbed her hand and tried again. "There's nothing that I would want more than to stop this, but I can't take those pain killers. Please, you have to trust me on this. They either do it without the medication, or we leave." I looked at Bella beseechingly as I attempted to get up. Her hand on my chest kept me from sitting.

"Edward, please! They said you were screaming so loud you were making the other patients nervous. Please, just take the medicine." It was Bella's turn to plead now as tears streamed from her eyes.

_Baby, don't do this to me…_

I had no idea where that came from.

So the screaming was the problem. I knew what I had to do. "I can't. Listen," I said, closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose. "Tell them to try one more time. I won't scream. I won't even make a noise. I promise. Please, Bella, I need you to back me up on this one, please." I hated sounding so desperate, but I was.

Bella sighed and caressed my hair. "Let me see what they say."

When I opened my eyes, she had left the room and was talking to the nurse outside. The nurse, the attending doctor, and two male nurses came back in the room followed by Bella. As they set up around the bed, Bella came closer to me. "They're going to try one more time," Bella whispered softly, running a finger over my forearm. "Try to relax, okay? I'll wait outside."

"No. Stay. Please." I held her hand and she smiled. I closed my eyes and started to control my breathing. The nurse and the doctor were holding me with a sheet around my waist, and the two male nurses grabbed my foot.

"One… two… three," the attending doctor counted. As soon as they started, I let go of Bella's hand and covered my eyes in pain.

_Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!_

I bit the side of my hand trying not to scream, and with my other hand, I held on to the bed. I felt Bella's fingers lying tentatively on my arm. After what seemed like hours, my knee finally popped back in, and I breathed again in relief. It was still hurting a bit, but nothing compared to before.

The doctor went on and on about swelling or something and a cast, but I didn't hear anything. I was out of it. Everyone except Bella left the room. She was cleaning the sweat from my forehead with a towel.

"Is it better?" Bella asked, standing next to my bed. I opened my eyes and glanced at her. Her cheeks were flushed, and her eyes still had some remaining tears. There were a couple of strands that had come out of the messy bun that she had her hair in. My hands ached to get those strands behind her ears, and maybe while I was at it, release whatever was holding her hair up so it could flow down her shoulders.

"Yes, thank you," I said wholeheartedly.

"Oh, don't thank me. Thank them."

"You stayed."

"Yeah, well…" She trailed off, looking down.

"Listen, we got to go," I said, sitting up on the bed.

"What? They are coming back to put you in that cast thingy."

"I have one of those boots at home from my last injury." I tried to bend my knee, but it still hurt. It was easier to stand up than to sit down, so I stood up on my good leg.

"Hey! Wait, what's going on?" Bella moved around me as I gathered my things. "Wait just a minute! At least let's tell the doctor."

"Bella, listen," I said and grabbed her by her elbow, "I— I don't have insurance."

"Oh…"

"See? Let's go." I limped to the door as Bella trailed behind me.

"No, but, wait. I think I could help."

I turned around to face her. "Oh no, no way." _No way in hell!_

"Relax. I'm not going to pay for it. My dad works in this hospital, not in the ER but in surgery. I'm sure he could work something out."

"Bella, stop it. Let's go." I turned back around, opened the door and limped out. I heard her following me.

"Why won't you let me help you?" she called behind me. I just kept going. Too much on my mind; I just needed to get out of this place.

This amazing girl walking behind me not only went to my game, she also brought me to the hospital, stayed with me the whole time, and even held my hand as a cried like a baby! I got in the elevator and lay against the wall panting. Bella got in the elevator and stood beside me looking down. I couldn't find it in me to hold it in anymore.

"You've done plenty so far," I whispered, getting closer to her and cornering her against the elevator wall. "I'm fine. I'll be fine." Both of my arms were on each side of her shoulders. She was looking at me with those deep brown eyes, and I lost it. My breathing was coming hard through my nose as my lips touched hers. Her reaction took me by surprise; she clutched her hand on the back of my neck and pressed herself to me. My lips were frantic against hers as my tongue invaded her mouth. The ding of the elevator was loud and unsettling. I released her mouth, panting, our noses and foreheads still touching. Bella was breathing hard too as I grabbed her hand and continued to limp out of the building.

Once we were outside, I let go of her hand and reached for my pocket.

_Jesus Christ, I am fucked up…_

"A smoke, right? What else?" Bella said angrily.

"I'm sorry… I—"

"Yeah, yeah. You really need this one. I know," she interrupted, mocking me. I lit the smoke and smiled. She was right; I really needed this one. I sighed in relief, blowing the smoke through my nose. "So you want to tell me what happened in there? Why did you refuse to take the medication?"

"Bella," I started, blowing smoke away from her beautiful face. "You don't want to know. Trust me."

"Oh please, stop that! You said you trusted me. Why won't you tell me anything about your life?"

"Because you are not going to like it."

"Try me," Bella challenged, crossing her arms over her chest. We were still standing outside. Well, she was standing, and I was balancing on one foot.

"If you insist." I really needed to just tell her and get it over with. She would see what a fucked up asshole I was, and she would stay the fuck away from me. I could do it. If she rejected me, I could stay away from her. It would be hard, but I could do it. But not when she was so fucking nice to me all the time, when she looked at me with those eyes, when she was always looking so pretty. Staying away from her when she wanted to be with me was impossible. "The thing is that, um… last time I got injured like this, I was playing the best I'd ever played. I was really close to get everything I ever wanted, Bella, regarding soccer at least." I stopped and smoked. _Here it goes._ "I didn't want to lose practices or anything, so… I abused the medication to go back and train sooner."

"Abused?" she asked, her lovely eyes widening slightly.

"Well, I never went to the doctor, and some guys just pulled my foot until we thought it was back into place. But it probably wasn't, because it kept hurting, so I just started to take more and more pain killers and became addicted. I started using other drugs too, Bella, and I got kicked off of the team."

I stared at the ground while I confessed, puffing out smoke. It was a short version of the story, but it should suffice. She stayed quiet for a couple of seconds.

"What kinds of drugs?" Bella asked timidly.

"Morphine and, um, heroin. Which are basically the same thing." I let her digest what I was saying for a couple of seconds more, maybe minutes. But after a while, I couldn't take the silence anymore. "I joined a rehab clinic for a few months. I've been clean for three years now."

"Wow," she said, and I turned to look at her.

_Wow?_

"I told you, you didn't want to know that."

_This is it. This is where she'll realize __I am a fucking loser, and __finally walk out on me._

"Oh, no… I mean…" She trailed off and seemed to be collecting her thoughts. "I mean, that's part of your past. It makes you what you are today. I bet it made you a lot stronger, to recover from that, I mean. That must have been pretty rough," Bella said, seemingly honest. "You should give yourself some credit for that."

I finished my cigarette, my eyes glued to hers, trying to figure out how she was even real and wishing I would have met her five years before.

_This girl is going to be the death of me._

"You are amazing," I said, the corner of my mouth turning up involuntarily. "Really, you amaze me."

"No, you amaze me. I'm…so… proud. Most people find staying clean very hard."

"I never said it was easy. It is still not easy." I sighed. The pressure building in my chest, and I rubbed at it with my fist fruitlessly.

"Of course. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I just, I don't like to think or talk about it too much."

"I understand." She smiled and sighed. "We should go. You must be tired."

I looked around and saw that it was already getting dark. Bella was right: I was tired, exhaustingly so. I was still wearing my soccer uniform and my cleats for fuck's sake. I felt like I smelled: disgusting.

…

"Are you really going to be okay?" she asked as we waited for her bus.

"Yes." I smiled again at her. She was looking up at me through her lashes, and it was taking everything I had not to kiss her again.

"I could go with you, to your house, just in case you need anything, and then go home," she offered.

"That won't be necessary. I'll be fine." Her offer to come home with me hurt me like a million punches in the gut. That was another truth I'd have to give her soon.

_No, Bella. You shouldn't come home with me. I don't think my wife and daughter would like that,_ I thought sarcastically.

Her bus arrived soon after, and I kissed her on the cheek before she left. I couldn't deny it felt good to have Bella know more about me, to have one less thing to keep from her. I was still a little shocked by the way she reacted without judging me. She even said she was proud of me. No one has ever said that to me before, no one. I surely did not deserve it, but hearing her say that had filled me with such joy, it almost made me forget what a scummy man I was.

…

**A/N: OK. So I guess I should say I do not condone infidelity of any kind, BUT I can understand when it happens. Does that make sense?**

**Thanks for reading! :)**


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything _Twilight_. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thank you to the lovelies mcc101180 & thir13enth from PTB for their beta skills!

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

EPOV

It was with a great deal of disdain and regret that I walked into Earl's on Monday night. I was feeling miserable, and not just physically. My leg was achy and swollen, but at least for now, I felt I was in control and was doing well staying off pain meds. As Ian and I were setting up the glasses, I recounted the events of the day; events that certainly made me realize I needed to talk to Bella as soon as possible. As much I hated it, I had to.

"So, I told Tanya that since I'm injured, I wasn't going to go to practice in the morning. I wanted to try to sleep a little more, get some rest, you know? "

"Finally," Ian said.

"Yes. So, she said that since I'm not going to practice, she was going to wake up early and go to that market at the docks to get really good prices on fruits and groceries and shit, and that I needed to make sure Amanda got on the bus safely to go to school."

"Oh please! She can't even do that?" Ian wasn't a fan of Tanya.

"She left at six, and I fell asleep again."

"You overslept?"

"No. Amanda woke me up at seven and said she wanted to make breakfast. I thought, you know, cereal and milk: no trouble."

"Right."

"_That's_ when I overslept."

"Oh…"

"Mandy screaming in the kitchen was what woke me up."

"What happened?"

"She tried to warm up the milk in the microwave, but she made a mess and burned her hand a bit. I felt like shit, man!"

"Oh man, is she okay?"

"Yeah, it wasn't too bad, only a little redness. I got her some ointment from the drug store, but she ended up missing her bus, and they don't let them in if they're late." I rubbed my fingers on my forehead, loathing myself.

"Shit, that sucks."

"I had to take her with me to clean pools," I continued.

"Poor kid."

"I know. I feel so guilty! After all of that, we had lunch and she stayed with her mom. The worst of all is that, you know, I thought that morning sucked for her! But she told her mom that it was 'super cool' to spend the morning with her daddy."

"Awwww…"

"That kid is everything to me. She's everything."

"I bet," Ian said, drying his hands. "I hope today is not too crowded. I am beat!"

"Tell me about it." I dried my hands as well and limped to the back room to change.

I needed to talk to Bella. I couldn't keep doing this. I was already developing feelings for her, and the more I prolonged this, the more everyone would get hurt in the end. I regretted flirting with her the first night I met her, and enjoying her company so much. I regretted leading her on, when I always knew nothing could happen between us.

Bella had taken me by surprise. I hadn't meant to fall for her. This was just too fucked up. She said she just wanted to be my friend, but I seriously doubted I could be just friends. The little incident in the elevator was proof of that. I needed to come clean so that she would hate me and I could manage to stay away from her.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

BPOV

I decided to go to Earl's Monday night. I was getting ready while I waited for Jacob to pick me up. Full of excitement to see Edward tonight, I chose to wear my hair down for a change, but I was going for a simple outfit today: skinny jeans, sneakers and a gray tank top. Things between Edward and me were moving along. Before showing up to his game on Sunday, I had decided I should at least try to be his friend. It might not have been the brightest idea, especially considering how _platonic_ my crush on my friend Mike was, but at least I'd still consider him my friend.

_That's better than nothing, right?_

Edward had seemed surprised to see me at his game, and I surely couldn't blame him. Our non-kiss the previous night had been nothing but awkward, but I had put it behind me and was determined to make our friendship work. However, the way Edward looked in his soccer uniform had crushed my resolve hard and fast. And he didn't just look good in it— he had amazing skills on the field too! He was in a whole other league than the rest of his teammates. The entire squad depended on him, which was why I found it so hard to believe he hadn't been signed by any professional team.

Edward had gotten hurt, and we ended up in the hospital because his knee had popped out of place. The nurse had explained some primitive way to get the knee bone into place without surgery, which was basically pulling on his foot in a certain way. But this was causing him a lot of pain, and he was refusing any medication.

Watching Edward in so much agony was difficult to say the least. My stomach clenched just thinking about it. It didn't make any sense at the time why he wouldn't take the medication. He was clearly in desperate need of it, but he was begging me to convince the doctor to try without the meds. It wasn't until later, after they had fixed his leg and we had left the hospital, that he explained to me what was going on. Edward had been addicted to morphine from a previous injury. He said he was clean now, which was why he wouldn't take any at the hospital. Truthfully, it was a lot to digest.

On one hand, it was scary to think of Edward out of control like that. But on the other hand, it must have been so difficult to step out of that situation; I felt a strong surge of admiration for him. But mostly, I realized none of it really mattered, because whatever had happened to him made him who he was today, and it was with that person that I was falling in love.

I sighed and slumped on my bed. I was falling for Edward hard and fast. It didn't make any sense because he was nothing but cryptically ambivalent, and had been driving me crazy with his mixed signals. One minute, I thought my attraction to him was completely platonic, but the next he kissed me against the back wall of the elevator. Yes, Edward kissed me! My cheeks were burning just by thinking about our kiss. Other parts of my body were reacting as well. My hand automatically flew to my lips, my index finger rubbing my bottom lip, remembering his soft but urgent lips on mine.

With a grunt, I got off the bed and finished getting ready, still undecided on how to approach Edward. If I knew anything about him, he was going to overreact about our kiss.

_Maybe he is bipolar..._

...

Jacob and I arrived at Earl's and took our spot at the bar. I found Edward immediately; he was on the other side of the bar, serving some girls. Since it was Monday night, he wasn't wearing a button shirt or tie, just a white t-shirt and dark jeans. He was wearing a brace cast over his jeans on his right leg.

As soon as he got us drinks, Jacob went over to some girls that were sitting at a table, and I rolled my eyes at him.

"Bella?" I heard a voice I recognized, but not the husky one I was expecting.

_No way…_ "James. Hi." _Oh great!_ I thought sarcastically. I hadn't seen James since the night we broke up and he told me he hated me. Yes, that was a fun night too. He scanned me from head to toe, making me feel uncomfortable.

"Wow, you look good," James said.

"Um, thanks." A few uneasy seconds went by, and then a redhead beauty came behind James and held his hand.

"I guess I'll see you around. 'Bye," James said and left.

"Okay…" I looked at them walking away. The redhead turned around and leered at me evilly over James' shoulder. "Out of all the bars in the city!" I groaned and turned around on my stool to find Edward standing in front of me. "Hi!" I smiled at him.

"Hello, Bella." He wiped the top of the counter in front of me. "What would you like to drink tonight?" he asked indifferently, his eyes fixed on the countertop, confirming my suspicions that he was going to overreact about our kiss.

"How's your leg?" He had all his weight on his left leg.

"It's fine." He glanced at me and I smiled again, tucking my hair behind my ears. It was some annoying thing I did when I was nervous, and it was part of the reason why I didn't wear my hair down frequently. Edward's gaze followed my hands, and I noticed how his jaw muscles twitched as he swallowed hard.

"So," I started, but he didn't let me finish. He turned around and left without saying anything, effectively making my smile disappear.

A whole hour passed, and Edward didn't come to me again. Instead, the other bartender was taking care of his side of the bar.

_Wonderful!_

_..._

"Bella, c'mon." Jacob sat down next to me.

"What?"

"Let me take you home."

"Why?" I took another sip of my drink.

"Bella," he said, grabbing my elbow. I knew he was just trying to be a good friend. He probably hated seeing me here, in this bar, like a loser, waiting for a guy who clearly was going to pay zero attention to me. I must have lost all dignity.

"Jake, stop it," I begged, jerking my arm from him.

"Excuse me, is he bothering you?" James came then, just when I thought things couldn't get worse.

"Oh my God!" Jacob turned to look at James, and then he turned to me, dropping his hand from my arm. "Coyote is back?" Jacob and Mike hated James, and they had nicknamed him Coyote, though I had no idea why.

I got off the stool and stood in between the two of them. "Jake, stop. James, everything's fine." The redhead came behind James and took him back to their table.

"Do I need to say anything else?" Jacob growled.

"Jake, please. I'm just hanging out here, okay? Chill."

"Where's the idiotic waiter?" Jacob hissed, looking around.

"Hey," Edward said softly from behind the bar, his hands in his pockets and his forearms tense. Jacob glanced at him, and then he looked at me. I made him a sign to get lost, so he rolled his eyes and left. "Listen, can I talk to you?" Edward asked, without looking at me.

"Sure, you want to go outside?"

He nodded, and I followed him. I rubbed my hands over my jeans nervously; if I could guess anything from his apathetic attitude I'd say this couldn't be good. I didn't know if this night could get any worse.

"Cigarette break?" I teased as we came outside and he lit a cigarette. He smiled, not too cheerfully, and sat down on the bench, keeping his injured leg stretched. With my hands clamped between my legs, I sat next to him. I turned to face him as he smoked, knowing something was wrong. He looked angry — sad even— and conflicted as usual. "So, how ar—"

"I don't want to be a jerk," were his choice of words to start our conversation as he interrupted me.

"Then don't be one."

"I don't need this, Bella."

"What do you mean?"

"This…" He gestured with his hand to the space between us. "You and me. I have tons of work, and I don't think that I can deal with this right now. My life is… is complicated, and it shouldn't be this hard. I don't want one more person in my life to disappoint." He kept smoking his cigarette and staring at the ground. He didn't even peek at me.

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm sorry," he said, finishing his cigarette and lighting another one.

"Listen," I said, grabbing his hand. My train of thought forgotten as I noticed he was trembling. "You're shaking."

_Jesus, what is going on with this poor guy?_

I was again confused by his mixed signals because here he was, telling me he didn't want or need me in his life, but when I grabbed his hand, he held on to me fiercely. He looked so troubled it made my heart break.

He turned his gaze to me with a frown, the cigarette still between his lips making him squint from the smoke.

"Do you really mean that? Do you not want me in your life?" I whispered sadly.

"I kissed you yesterday."

"I know, I was there. You are not making any sense." He was still holding my hand tightly.

"I kissed you yesterday, and I liked it. I want to kiss you again, but I can't. I don't need this, Bella. I can't deal with it. Everybody in my life already expects too much from me. I can't have one more."

_Did he just say he wants to kiss me again?_

"Listen, I'm not… I don't need anything from you. I'm not expecting anything… don't worry about it so much."

"Why do you have to be like this? So intrinsically understanding?" He blew smoke through his nose as he looked away from me.

"Well…"

"You don't know me, Bella." He finished his second cigarette and lit another one. This kind of chain smoking could not be good for his asthma.

"Hey, stop it," I said, taking his hand with the cigarette away from his mouth. "Calm down. If this is really what you want, I won't come here anymore. Is that what you want?" I asked and wiggled my hand out of his grip.

This was hurting him. I could see it. Something was wrong. As my hand left his, he looked at his hand and then started tapping his fingers on his knee.

"The thing is that what I want is not what matters," he said, still looking down. He glanced at the cigarette, took another drag and looked at me. "See? I am already disappointing you."

"I just happen to hate the fact that you smoke." I crossed my arms over my chest.

"I'm sorry, Bella."

"I know, I know. Your life could be a lot easier if you let in someone that wants to help you."

"I'm a lost cause."

"Why don't you let me be the judge of that?" His eyes were on me as I reached for his cigarette hesitantly, catching it with two fingers. He let it go, and I smiled as I got up and walked to the outdoor ashtray to get rid of the smelly thing. I walked back to him, wiping my hand on my jeans.

He took a deep breath as he stood up. "I have to tell you something."

Suddenly, I overheard loud drumbeats coming from inside.

"What's that?" I turned around.

"We have live music tonight," he said calmly. "Bella, I—"

I had to interrupt Edward because I recognized the voice inside. "Oh no…no, no, no… it can't be."

I walked inside. Yes, it was James' band. They were just starting a song. I walked inside, and James' eyes landed on me.

"This one is for you, Bella," James said before he started singing.

"_These hands are stained with red, for all the times that I have so passionlessly killed you in my dreams… We will wash all those times you said you loved me, a little more poison and you'll go down, just dive a little deeper… Because you… dead is what you are, dead is what you'll be, baby, chill out 'cause only in dreams I dare to kill… We will forget all those moments we spent together… I swear I won't forget, 'cause revenge comes first… Because you… dead is what you are, dead is what you'll be, baby, chill out 'cause only in dreams I dare to kill…You look good in red… it matches your eyes and your skin… you look good in red… red blood_."

I felt my eyes filling with tears. I knew James and I didn't end on the best of terms, but I never thought he would do something like this. I felt the air knocked out of me.

"C'mon, Bella. You don't need this shit." Jacob came to my rescue. He grabbed my hand and dragged me outside.

As soon as we were outside, tears were streaming freely down my face.

"It's okay," Jacob said and hugged me. "I told you, that guy is such a dick! You know? He's an idiot. I hate him; really, I physically hate him," Jacob said, fuming.

"I did him wrong, you know? I really hurt him." James and I had dated in high school. I knew he was falling for me hard and I just wasn't, but I stayed with him regardless, which hurt him even more in the end.

"What are you talking about? This is not your fault! You don't deserve this, Bella. The guy's a loser. I don't get it; really, you always fall for the loser type. That waiter guy is like the losers' representative, and you are infatuated with him."

"Jake, that's not fair."

"Bella, I- I… Forget it."

"What?"

"Nothing, here comes your knight in shiny armor," Jacob said, glancing at Edward who was coming out of the bar. Jacob walked inside again.

"Are you okay? What was that?" Edward asked.

"Oh, um…" I trailed off, distracted. I still had tears in my eyes. I started wiping them with my hands.

"Bella?" Edward asked anxiously, worry coloring his voice, as he took a couple steps closer to me.

"I'm fine, I guess." I shrugged and sniffled.

"You know that guy, the singer from that band?"

"Yes. We, um, we used to date."

"Oh, it's a small world after all, right?" He flashed me my favorite crooked smile, trying to cheer me up.

"Yeah," I snickered humorlessly, looking down. I'd been waiting for that smile the whole night, but now, it just brought more tears to my eyes.

"Hey," he said, coming closer still. He was standing in front of me, but I didn't move. His hands twitched at his sides. He lifted one hand as if he was going to touch me but then dropped it back. I was just going to turn around and walk home, when he took one step forward and hugged me. I melted. Or at least I felt like I was going to.

I buried my face in his chest. His glorious scent filled my nose and made me dizzy. He pressed his face on the top of my head against my hair, and I am pretty sure he sniffed me. He took a deep breath, and his hand on my back took a fistful of my hair behind my neck. Suddenly, and way too soon, he dropped his hands to his sides and took a step back. I wasn't surprised. It wasn't the first time he'd reacted that way to me.

Someone was coming behind Edward. "I think you might be in trouble." I was pretty sure that was Edward's boss, and he didn't look happy.

"Oh shit, I… um," Edward stammered, looking back.

"I'm just going to go home."

"I'm sorry," he said, looking down.

"I know you have to work. It's fine."

"Are you sure?" he asked, gazing at me, his eyes burning with some intensity I did not comprehend nor did I want to at the moment.

"Yes, 'bye." I turned around and left. I was disappointed, but then that was exactly what I told him I wasn't going to do: need things from him, but I did. I wanted him to walk me home and hug me like before.

But he couldn't, or didn't want to— or possibly both.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

**A/N: Thanks for reading! :)**

**James' song is from a band called Panda. I don't own any of the lyrics.**


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything _Twilight_. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to the lovelies mcc101180 & thir13enth from PTB for their beta skills!

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

BPOV

Filled with disappointment and gloom, I walked home from Earl's by myself. The night had not gone at all as I had expected. First, Edward with his mixed signals; then, James and his stupid song; and finally, I had no clue what the hell was wrong with Jacob. Being so vulnerable in front of them had left me feeling humiliated.

I took my time walking home in an attempt to clear my head. The nights were still a little chilly, so I had to wrap my arms around myself to keep warm. Once home, I changed into my pajamas and pulled my hair up in a bun. I turned off the lights ready to call it a night — a very shitty night that is— and jumped into bed.

Loud knocking on the door woke me up a couple hours later.

"What the hell happened to you?" I opened the door to a beaten-up, and visibly inebriated, James. He was standing at my door, holding himself on the doorframe. There was blood coming out of his nose and bottom lip, and he had a cut on his eyebrow. "What are you doing here?" I asked, letting him in. "What happened?"

He stumbled in and slumped on the couch. "I'm sorry for the song," he slurred.

I decided to ignore him as I went to the bathroom in search for some cotton and rubbing alcohol to clean his cuts. I kneeled next to him on the couch and pressed the alcohol-soaked cotton on the cut over his eyebrow. He groaned and grabbed my wrist. "I needed to let it all out. I was pissed, okay? I still am. I think we belong together, and you should know it's a whole record, with a bunch of songs about you. We got picked up by a record label; it will be out in March."

_Well, isn't that great?_

"Oh…" I didn't know how to react. I felt happy for him and his band, but a record about me? That was weird. "What is it called?"

"The record, or the song we played tonight?"

"Both."

"The song title was: 'You look good in red.' The record is called _For you, hatefully._"

"Nice," I said sarcastically.

"But listen, it's not true. I don't hate you. I mean, I don't think so. I… I know so… I don't hate you, actually it's the opposite."

"James," I sighed. _Please, not this again_.

"It's true."

"I think that's the whiskey talking." I recapped the rubbing alcohol bottle and set it on the coffee table.

"It could be. So?"

"So?" I looked at him expectantly.

"You want to do something about it?" he probed, arching his eyebrow.

_Jesus Christ, is he serious?_

"James! What did you come here for? What do you want?" I stood up in front of him with my hands on my hips.

"I wanted to apologize for the song."

"And now you have. So now what?"

"Okay, okay, I'll go." James stood up, and I followed him to the door. I held it open, and before I could stop him, his lips were brusquely on mine, reeking of whiskey. He pulled away before I could push him. "I know, I know, I'm sorry." He stumbled down the stairs. "You know?" he started saying again. "I know I was right about your friend Jacob."

"Right about what?" I crossed my arms over my chest; the night breeze was giving me goosebumps.

"Right about the fact that he is in love with you."

"Are you kidding me? We can't do this again, James," I said, annoyed. One of the reasons James and I constantly argued was his insecurities about my friendship with Jacob.

"Who do you think hit me in the face because of my _offensive_ song?" he asked mockingly, pointing to his busted lip.

"Jacob did that? I don't believe you."

"Believe what you want." He shrugged, turned around, and finally left.

Had Jacob really beaten up James? I was going to have to have a talk with my bellicose friend. I was about to close the door after James left, when I recognized the head of rustled copper hair of the guy sitting on the bench across the street.

_He is here._

I grabbed a sweater from the coat closet and walked out as I put my hands through the sleeves. "Edward?" I called, coming closer. "What are you doing out here?" He was looking down, arms crossed and hands tucked underneath, like he was trying to keep them warm. He was still only wearing his white t-shirt and dark jeans.

"Hey, um… I-I came to look for you, but you had company, so I just— I didn't want to go home," he slurred, distracted, without looking at me.

"What happened?"

"Um… I got fired." He shook his head angrily. "Are you with that guy? The singer from tonight's band?" He looked up at me frowning, his jaw muscles twitching.

"They fired you? Why?"

"Bella," he sighed and rubbed his temple with his fingers. "Are you with that guy?" he asked again, insistently. He probably saw James kiss me.

"No, I'm not. He just came to apologize about the song."

"Oh, um…but he, he kissed you," Edward said softly. His hands dropped from his face and started rubbing his thighs. His anguished look was driving me insane. Could he be this upset about James kissing me? It didn't make any sense.

_M__y sweet, cryptic bartender, what am I going to do with you?_

"Edward," I whispered softly, sitting down next to him. My hand tentatively reached for his, and as soon as my fingers touched his icy knuckles, he turned his hand, locking his fingers fiercely with mine. "There's nothing going on between James and me. He is just an overstepping, drunk ex, that's all. Now, what happened?"

Edward breathed deeply, his shoulders slouching as he exhaled. Elbow on knee, he ran a hand through his hair and rested his chin on his palm, still facing the street. I could see his jaw muscles clenching under the scruff and skin. I felt like I could stare at his profile forever, even though his silence had me worried. He turned to gaze at me with a furrowed brow and an agonized expression that left me breathless.

I was lost in his gaze, and I couldn't look down. My face was burning as I bit my bottom lip. He opened and closed his mouth, as if he was struggling for words. I had never seen him look so vulnerable, so broken, yet so sexy and so irresistible, all at the same time. His hand moved from his chin to mine, and he released my bottom lip from my teeth with his thumb, while his other hand still fiercely enfolded mine.

Without warning, he launched toward me, his lips colliding with mine roughly, as he breathed hard through his nose. His right hand held my chin while his left released my hand, seized my waist, and pulled me closer to him. His tongue was in my mouth then, tasting like mint, smoke and beer. The hair on the back of his neck felt soft under my hand as I fisted it, just like in my dreams, pulling his face even closer to mine and making him groan.

_I made Edward groan…_

All too soon, his lips released me. My hand was still in his hair. His hand was still on my chin. Our foreheads touched as we both panted with our eyes closed. I released his hair, and my hand traveled from his neck to his arm, caressing him softly.

"You are trembling." I ran my hand up and down his upper arm, rubbing the goosebumps that started to come out.

"It's just cold," he said with his hand still holding my face.

I'd wanted Edward like this— kissing me, holding me, since the day I met him— which is why, as I pulled my face away from his, it was without hesitation that I asked the next question. "Do you want to come inside?"

Edward held my hand as we walked across the street, into my house. I eyed the couch as I walked to my bedroom. I stood in front of my bed with Edward next to me, still holding my hand. I took a deep breath, trying to ease my nerves, as I turned to face him.

_This is really happening…_

Still appearing distraught, Edward grabbed my face with his hands and kissed me again desperately. He was definitely not holding back today. We landed on my bed, him on top of me, kissing my neck. My hands were uncertain as to which part of him to touch first. They ended on his back, fisting the hem of his shirt and pulling it off of him.

_Shoulders, freckles, muscles, pecs…_

My brain was starting to not make sense. I ran a hand from his neck, over his pecs and to his abs. Everything on him was rock hard, including that part of him that was pressing on my leg. He pulled me up so I was sitting and he was kneeling between my legs. Before I could stop him, he pulled my shirt over my head, and my face burned in embarrassment. I wasn't wearing a bra. I never slept with a bra on. He froze. He looked at me and swallowed hard. His next words were the end of me and my control. "Bella, you are so beautiful. I want you so much. I need you."

His mouth was on mine again as he pushed me gently back on the mattress. His lips traveled from my lips, to my cheek, down to my neck, on to my collarbone and the space between my breasts. His scruffy jaw tickled as he pressed his lips on my skin. Each kiss sent electric shocks that all seemed to end between my legs.

I held onto the nape of his neck the whole time, entirely overwhelmed with his kisses, and clueless as to what to do next. I had no experience in this department whatsoever. He continued kissing my body again, moving down to my belly button, making me squirm with pleasure. When his fingers went under the elastic band of my pajama pants, I grabbed his wrist freaking out. "Edward," I stalled. I was debating whether or not to tell him I was a virgin. I was melting for him, and finally he wasn't holding back.

"You smell so good," he whispered back into my neck.

He went back to kissing my mouth and put more of his weight on top of me, and I could feel him between my legs. The pressure there felt amazing, and I wanted more. Without thinking, my hips moved up to feel more of him. He was hard inside his jeans. "Edward," I whispered closing my eyes. I grabbed his hair and moaned when I could feel him against me again.

"I've wanted to be with you like this since the day I met you," he panted between kisses. He had never been so forward with me. He was always holding back. I wondered momentarily what may have made him change his behavior, but I quickly moved away from those thoughts when his hand cupped my breast.

"Me too," I said, kissing his neck. He kissed me again, and I started unbuttoning his jeans. I didn't know what I was doing or feeling. I had fooled around with James, but it had never felt like this. I had tried to touch myself sometimes too, but I've never experienced how having Edward pressing himself between my legs was feeling. My hand reached for him over his boxers, and he groaned in my ear.

He kneeled between my legs and took my pajama bottoms off. He grabbed my left foot, close to his face, and started kissing my ankle, moving up my leg. I couldn't contain the moan that escaped my lips. My thighs involuntarily squeezed together, aching for some pressure where I needed it the most. When he kissed me behind the knee, I thought I would scream with pleasure. He released my leg and pulled his pants down. He was on top of me then, wearing only his boxers.

Everything was a blur then; I either had my eyes closed, or they were rolling back. I felt him against me, and Jesus, did it feel good. He was straining against his boxers, and he seemed to need the pressure as much as I did because he kept pressing himself on my center. His hand went down from my neck, caressing my side and slipping inside my panties. When his finger brushed my clit, I gasped.

"Shit, Bella. You are so wet," he hissed with a strained voice. He dipped a finger inside of me as his thumb rubbed my clit.

"Umm… Edward," I moaned. He kissed my neck again.

"Fuck, Bella, I can't… I need you, now," he groaned.

I pushed my panties out of the way, and he was right— they were soaked. As he pulled his boxers down as well, I heard him fumbling with a wrapper. I couldn't see, but I felt when the tip of his dick was between my folds. His hard, warm breaths tickled my neck as I gripped his back. I gasped and froze when he pulled up my leg and entered me slowly. My grasp on him was so hard I must have broken his skin. His back muscles tensed under my fingers as he froze, I thought, midway in me.

"Fuck, Bella you're so tight," he groaned.

I tried to breathe evenly as he pushed farther into me.

"Jesus…" he moaned into my neck. My nails were still digging in his back as I tried to breathe and relax.

"Edward," I moaned, half in pain, half in ecstasy. He felt amazing inside of me, but I needed a second to get used to it. I breathed deep again as I felt him move his face away from my neck.

"Bella?" He asked worriedly. I opened my eyes and glanced at him. His eyes were hooded and burning with intensity. "Are you okay?" His voice sounded strained between pants as he wiped a tear from my eye. I nodded reassuringly and closed my eyes again, still overwhelmed by the feeling between my legs.

His lips were on me again as he started moving his hips, painfully slow, in and out of me. "You feel so good, I can't..." he groaned on my neck. He was fisting the pillow next to my face, while his other hand slipped between us. He kept a slow pace with his hips as his fingers circled my clit. As he continued, the pain was no longer at the forefront of my mind and my hips started moving with his.

He never stopped kissing my neck between groans and pants

As pain receded, I wanted more. I needed more. "Edward, more," I moaned, arching my back. I started moving my hips quicker now, meeting his thrusts, as he started increasing the pace. "Ohmygod, ohmygod!"

"Shit, Bella. I'm so close, please," he begged and kissed me without stopping moving his hips or his fingers. My insides were clenching him; I could feel it. Something was building inside of me, and I wanted to scream out in ecstasy. I met his thrusts with my hips, as an overwhelming sensation filled me.

"Edward," I screamed his name while he was pulsing and twitching inside of me.

With a groan, he collapsed on top of me, breathless.

I caressed his back, trailing fingers up and down. He was still breathing hard, and his back muscles moved as he inhaled and exhaled. A small patch of sweat was accumulating in his lower back. With a grunt, Edward pulled out of me and rolled to one side facing up, keeping an arm over his eyes.

I sat on the bed, painfully aware that I was naked too. My hand flew to my lower stomach, where there was some soreness and a lot of tingling going on. I couldn't believe what had just happened. Never in a million years, when I left Earl's tonight, did it cross my mind that Edward would be in my bed, naked.

_Jesus Christ, he is still naked._

I turned slowly to look at him, hoping he wouldn't catch me ogling. His arm was still over his eyes, so I was certain he couldn't see me. My eyes danced from his arms to his chest down to his abs. Edward's body was glorious, lean and ripped everywhere. His hip-bone stuck out, and there was a vein, running over it, to…

_Holy freaking cow! Was that just inside of me?_

A rush of emotion came through me, and I didn't understand what was going on with me, but I really, really, wanted to lick the skin over his hip-bone. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to get a grip on myself. "I'll be right back," I whispered softly, still with my eyes closed, but he didn't answer.

I needed a minute, so I put on my robe and went to the bathroom. I was sore, and it hurt. That's when I noticed I was bleeding.

_Oh shit_.

I came back to the bedroom, and Edward had put his boxers on, and he was lying face down on the bed. I turned on the light on the nightstand. There was an ugly stain on my comforter.

"Edward?" Still no response, only a soft snore coming out of him. I tried pulling the comforter until he moved to one side without waking up.

I took the comforter to the bathroom, wiped the stain with soap, then I dropped it in the laundry basket and took a new one from the cabinet. I came back to the room and covered Edward with the comforter. I put my pajamas back on, got in beside him, and fell asleep soon after that.

…

I woke up smiling. I opened my eyes and turned around looking for Edward, but he was gone. I looked at the window; it was barely light out. I heard flushing in the bathroom and then saw him come out with only his boxers on, He was limping and wasn't wearing his cast. I sat up on the bed and stretched my legs. A slight pain in my mid-section made me wince.

"Good morning," Edward said sullenly and sat on the edge of bed.

"Hi, good morning," I said with a smile coming closer to him and caressing his back. He leaned over to put on his pants and placed the cast on his leg. I hugged him from behind when he was done, and I tried to kiss his neck but he stood up. My arms dropped next to my legs.

"I got to go," he said, putting his t-shirt on without looking at me.

_Uh-oh…_

"Where? It's so early." I looked at the clock. It was barely six in the morning.

"I'm sorry. I have… I have a soccer practice." He seemed uncomfortable, his eyes never staying in one place. He glimpsed at my face, my legs, the window, the bed, the wall, all in a matter of seconds.

"Soccer practice?" I asked, without being able to hide the disappointment in my voice.

This was not how I imagined this morning would go, but then again, Edward was always changing his mind about me. I should have known better.

"Yes. The sooner I start practicing, the quicker I'll recover."

"Oh…" I looked down. I knew last night was too good to be true.

"I'm sorry. I got to go…um… I-I'll see you later. 'Bye." And just like that, he stormed out of the room.

The image of him was still fresh in my mind as I stared at the door where he had just disappeared from. My room still smelled like him. I flopped on the bed and stared at the ceiling. This couldn't be happening. I felt like a complete idiot as I realized I didn't know anything about the guy I just lost my virginity to. I didn't know where he lived; I didn't have his phone number, and he definitely did not have mine.

In realization, the tears started to flow.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

EPOV, the night before.

_I am such a pussy._

I had babbled my way out of telling Bella the truth, and now she was gone. After being scolded by Earl, my boss, I walked back into the bar with the smell of Bella's hair still lingering in my nose.

I should have gone straight back behind the bar. I knew I should have, but I didn't. The more I looked at that asshole from the band, the more I remembered Bella crying, and the angrier I got. Bella had been devastated by his offensive song, and I couldn't even console her.

"Do you think you can cool it down with the hateful songs?" I said to the singer of the band, between my teeth. I knew Bella was gone, but I didn't think I could handle hearing him play any other song about her.

"Who the hell are you?" he barked, standing up. He was a pathetic little excuse for a man. His asshole friends looked ready for a fight behind him.

"I am her friend." I didn't realize how pathetic I sounded until the words were already out there.

_What the hell am I doing?_

"Well, I am sorry for you," the dick said, laughing with his friends. I felt my hands turning to fists at my sides.

Before I could say anything, I was staring at the back of Bella's huge friend — Jacob, I think his name was. "You are a fucking loser, James."

I knew what I should have done— what would have been smart of me. But somehow, I found myself towering in front of one of James' friend who had just stood up.

"You'll apologize to her," Bella's friend warned with a finger on James' chest.

"Get the fuck out of my face, Jacob."

Within seconds, I was pushing James' friend, as Jacob punched James in the face, knocking him out. We were split up soon after, and Earl called me to his office.

…

It was only eleven, and I was already going home, the earliest in so long. Earl had fired me, and there was nothing I could have said to defend myself. I truly didn't know what had gotten into me. I didn't know what I was going to tell Tanya; she already nagged me about how little money we had. I thought about Amanda and how much fun she said we had in the morning. I couldn't believe I was screwing everything up again.

_And all because of what?_

I regretted having feelings for Bella. It was wrong and selfish and messed up. Why did she have to come into my life and make everything so hard? She was everything I wanted, everything I thought I would have someday. Bella was beautiful, caring, and understanding, and I was going to hurt her because I was a piece of shit.

_Would she cry when she finds out?_ God, I hated seeing her cry.

I was smoking distractedly as I walked from the bus stop to my house, so I didn't notice the stranger's car that was parked in front of my house. I came in the house, putting my ring back on, and I was about to check on Mandy, when I heard the noises coming out of my bedroom.

My first thought was, _what is Tanya watching?_ But then I recognized it was my wife, and not some actress, who the screams and moans belonged to. I opened the door, and the first thing I saw was a pair of pants that weren't mine laying on the floor. That was a much prettier view than the one I had next when I looked up: Tanya on all fours taking it from behind. All I could see from my wife's companion was his back and the eagle tattoo all over it, and that's all I needed or wanted to see.

They were so into it that they didn't even realize I was standing right there. The next few seconds ended with my wife's screaming orgasm. I couldn't even remember when was the last time sex had been had on that bed, at least that it involved me.

I slammed the door of the bedroom on my way out. I came out of the house and sat on the front steps, lighting a cigarette. I took one drag, and my stomach churned. I stood up suddenly and ran to the trash can where I threw up. I looked up and saw Tanya, coming out of the house in a bathrobe, making me want to throw up again.

"Edward?" she called, walking closer to me. I reached for one more cigarette in my pocket and I struggled to light it as my hands were shaking. I remembered leaving my jacket at Earl's, and I was only wearing a t-shirt.

"Edward, I'm so sorry," she cried. "Let me explain." I stared at her. I couldn't believe it still. Fighting the urge to throw up, I kept on smoking.

She grabbed my hand. "Listen," she said, but I jerked my hand away. "I'm sorry, Edward, but you're never here. I'm always alone. I do everything by myself!"

"Don't you dare blame this on me! I am never here because I am killing myself at two jobs! Just so you and Amanda have everything you need!" I was close to losing it. My stomach was turning again.

"Edward," she sobbed.

"You know what? I- I can't talk to you right now. You're literally making me sick. I can't even look at you." I turned around and walked away.

"Edward!" she yelled behind me, but I just kept going.

…

After a few more beers than I could handle, I stumbled out of the bar —where I had spent the last few hours binge drinking and chain smoking— without having anywhere to go and knowing there was only one place I really wanted to be.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

**A/N: First of all, a confession: I am a lemon virgin, or was, until now. Anyways, hit me with a review a let me know what you think! I'll appreciate your constructive criticism! This is a learning experience for me...**

**I was hesitant whether to include EPOV is this chapter as well... what do you think about changing POV in the same chapter? good? bad? don't care?**

**I apologize for keeping Bella in the dark still. I promise she will find out, soon-ish.**

**Thanks for reading! :)**


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything _Twilight_. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to the lovelies mcc101180 & thir13enth from PTB for their beta skills!

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

JacobPOV

I was going to kill a motherfucker today.

I paced back and forth, waiting outside of Earl's for the stupid bar to open. Bella had called me earlier, crying inconsolably because this dick had slept with her and left. I told her I would stop by her house later, but first I needed to have a couple of words with the fucking waiter she just lost her virginity to.

_That's right— Bella had been de-flowered by that motherfucking waiter. _

My hands were shaking so hard I couldn't even make a fist. When I saw one of the waiters I recognized slowly turning the knobs, I had to take a couple deep breaths in order to prevent myself from breaking the door open.

"Hey Jake, 'sup?" the guy asked as he opened the door and let me in. They fucking knew me by name in this place. Bella had made me come here so many times just so she could see that fucking waiter. Jesus, my blood was boiling!

I knew he was going to hurt her. I knew it!

"I'm looking for…" I started, but my brain went blank in anger.

_Now what's the fucker's name?_ I thought.

"Edmund?" I asked. The other waiter looked at me with an arched eyebrow. "I mean, Edward."

"Edward doesn't work here anymore," the guy said as he pulled chairs off of the tables.

"Where can I find him?" I asked, trying to remain calm.

"You know him, right?" The guy turned around and looked at me suspiciously.

"Yes, of course. We were going to kick the ball today, but I lost his number," I lied, saying the first thing I could think of. I knew the fucker played soccer, so it was feasible.

"Oh, right… Here is his number," the guy said and gave me Edward's number. I really didn't want his number— I wanted to see him in person— but his number was enough to get his address.

I walked out of the bar seething and I dialed my friend at the police station.

…

When I arrived at Edward's house, I was fuming, unsure of what I was going to do. I walked to the front door with second thoughts about the whole thing but knocked on the door anyway. A young woman in her early twenties opened the door.

"I'm looking for Edward," I announced, not caring about to be polite.

"Hello," the blonde said, looking at me. "He's not here."

"Mama, is that Daddy?" a little girl said, coming from behind the woman. "Oh," the girl said when she saw me.

"Do you know where I can find him?" I asked, trying not to be distracted by Goldilocks there, as she grabbed on to her mother's legs and stared at me.

"I'm sorry, how do you know my husband?" the woman asked suspiciously.

"Your… your h-husband?" I stuttered. I fucking stuttered.

"Yes. Edward." She picked up the girl in her arms.

"Oh… oh… he is… oh…" I stammered at the realization of what an ass this waiter really was.

_Oh for fuck's sake! Bella sure knows how to pick these assholes._

I never thought I could hate anyone more than the coyote, but Bella was definitely trying to prove me wrong. "I'm sorry to bother you. Goodbye." I turned around to leave, not caring about anything else she had to say.

…

As I drove to Bella's, I was still trying to figure out how to tell her the waiter was married. She had said on the phone that she didn't want to see anyone, but I knew she needed me. Ideally, I would have confronted Edward before talking to Bella, but the fucker was nowhere to be found. I even tried his cell phone, repeatedly. I stood at Bella's door for a couple of minutes, trying to calm the fuck down. Truthfully, I was also angry at Bella for putting herself in this situation. She was too good for this asshole. She should have known better.

I took a final deep breath and knocked on her door.

"Hey…" Bella opened the door in sweats and a t-shirt, her hair in a messy bun on the top of her head. She looked at me with puffy red eyes that made my stomach clench.

"How are you?" I asked, closing the door. Bella walked to her couch, dragging her feet.

"I'm fine," was her reply. I knew it was bullshit though. She was not fine.

"You didn't sound fine over the phone," I reminded her, frustrated, as I sat next to her.

"Well, I wasn't fine earlier, but I'm fine now."

One glance at her— and the way she was staring at her intertwined hands— had my blood boiling. I didn't want to waste any time. I had to tell her. "Listen, I gotta tell you something."

"Jake, I was wondering… Did you talk to James last night?" She turned her gaze from her hands to peek at me through wet eyelashes.

"James?" _The fuck now?_

"Last night," she repeated, still looking at me. "Did you speak to James after I left?"

"Why? Did he say I did? Did he call you?" I stood up as anger bubbled inside of me. I didn't think I could deal with more than one asshole tonight.

"Jake, c'mon! You got in a fight with him?" She slapped a hand on her thigh.

"I didn't get in a fight; he didn't even touch me," I corrected her, proudly.

"I can't believe you, Jake! He came and apologized for the song."

"Oh, okay… you are welcome, then."

"Jake," she sighed, standing up. "What the hell is wrong with you?" She raised her voice as she walked closer to me, her hands in tiny fists at her sides. "Why did you hit James?"

"_Why?_ Are you serious? Bella, he's a fucking idiot. He deserved it."

"Jake, I didn't want you to fight him! I think you need to stay away from my boy trouble, or whatever my love life is." Tears started to flow out of her eyes again.

_Fuck..._

"Bella, I was just trying to—" I started, trying not to lose it, but she interrupted me.

"Well, don't. I'm a big girl. I don't need you to defend me or anything!" she cried, wiping her tears from her face.

"Then why did you call me today, crying about what happened last night with the fucking waiter?" I roared, not being able to contain my anger anymore.

"He. Is. Not. A. Waiter!" She emphasized each word as she stepped closer to me, her hands opened in claws in front of her. "I just wanted to talk to a friend!" The fire in her eyes made her look menacing, even for such a little thing.

I couldn't believe she was angry at me for hitting the fucking coyote.

"You can't do this to me, Bella." I rubbed my temples, trying to calm down. "You can't tell me your things and then expect me not to get involved."

"Well, I'm sorry, Jake, but that's just how it is." She crossed her arms over her chest in anger.

She was going to be pissed if she found out I looked for the waiter. I needed to find him and make him tell her himself.

"Yeah, yeah. I got it."

_Fuck this shit…_

I walked to the door without turning to look at her. "Bye."

I swung the door open, and wouldn't you know, that fucking waiter was standing on her front steps staring at the ground. I closed the door before Bella could see him.

"Just what I was looking for," I whispered sarcastically, walking down the steps.

"Hey, is Bella home? I need to talk to her," he slurred, obviously wasted.

"Listen, you fucking loser," I hissed, aggressively grabbing him by his shirt. He didn't seem to defend himself, his arms hanging numbly at his sides. "What the hell do you think you are doing here? I know you're married, and I'm not going to let you do this to Bella." I tried to keep my voice down so that Bella wouldn't hear us.

"Just let me talk to her. You don't know shit about my life, so stay out of it." I was still grabbing him by his shirt, his arms limp at his sides, his eyes almost shut, and his breath stinking of alcohol and smoke.

"Get the fuck out." I let his shirt go, and he almost fell on his ass. He grabbed onto the railing. "Come back when you are sober and grow balls to tell her the truth."

"Listen, I'm not going anywhere. I want to talk to her," he mumbled, stepping forward.

"I'm only going to say this one more time: Get the fuck away from her and stay away," I warned, pointing at him.

"I'm going to talk to her," the waiter repeated like a fucking broken record— a drunk, best-friend-de-flowering, broken record.

He stumbled forward then, attempting to walk past me, but I stopped him with a blow right on his face that made him fall flat on the ground.

"Shit!" I cursed, grabbing my hand in pain. I looked at the waiter who was lying motionless on the ground. I poked him with my shoe on his side, but the fucker was out cold. "Great…" I picked him up and carried him inside.

I was dragging the waiter to the couch when Bella walked out of her bedroom. "What happened?" Bella rushed to us worriedly, with a hand on her chest.

"Well, he passed out," I explained, conveniently leaving out the part where I broke his nose. As if to out my lie, a stream of blood was gushing out of the guy's nose.

_Shit…_

"Jake, what did you do?" Bella cried, kneeling beside him, her hands hovering all over his face.

"He was drunk, okay?" I grabbed my hand and rubbed my sore knuckles as I explained. "He probably passed out because of that, but… um… I did hit him in the face," I confessed.

"Oh, Jake, c'mon!" She groaned, stood up, and left for the bathroom.

"Is he breathing?" I asked, marginally worried, when she came back.

She kneeled next to him on the couch while she carefully cleaned the guy's nose with cotton. "Yes, he is breathing, Jacob. You didn't kill him."

_Oh, but I got him good, _I thought, my chest swelling with pride.

I could already see bruising under his eyes and swelling around his nose. The sucker moaned in pain as Bella brushed her fingers over his cheekbones. I wanted to wring his neck.

"I'm going to go," I announced, looking at Bella helping him sit up.

I hated watching her care for him, so… devotedly. _Ugh_, it was making my stomach turn. I couldn't say anything now, but I hoped the waiter would remember that I knew and tell her himself. Bella didn't seem to acknowledge my presence anymore, so I opened the door and left, feeling fucking pissed off.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

EPOV

Everything was spinning.

My head was pounding, and I couldn't breathe through my nose. I opened my eyes and looked around. I was sitting on a couch but didn't know where I was. Bella was sitting next to me. I tried to lift my head up, and blood started streaming down from my nose.

"Hey," Bella whispered softly, grabbing my arm and helping me sit up. I grabbed my nose and groaned; it was throbbing, and blood was gushing out of it. "Oh, shit." Bella pressed paper towels under my nose and, with a hand on my forehead, pushed my head back. "You think it's broken?"

I turned to look at Bella, having no idea what had happened or why I was here. I remembered leaving here this morning, feeling worse than scum. I remembered punishing myself for it at practice and at the gym. I remembered showing up for the pool job. I remembered going to a bar…

"I'm so sorry, Bella," I said, replacing her hand with mine as I held the paper towels under my nose, trying to stand up. "I shouldn't be here. I'm sorry." My whole body was sore, and I was dizzy. My injured knee buckled, making me sway, and I had to hold on to the couch for balance.

Bella stood up beside me. "Wait, what's going on?" She stood there, gazing up at me with beautiful brown eyes that were full with worry. It looked like she had been crying, which was probably my fault, and I would hate myself forever for it.

"I'm fucked up, Bella." I pressed the paper towels under my nose. I wasn't sure if it was due to the pain on my face, or the shattered state I was in, but my vision was getting blurry. "I just… I… shit, I am so tired," I whispered, holding onto the couch.

"It's okay..." Bella's sweet voice was closer to me then. Her hand grabbed the inside of my elbow, and she guided me back on to the couch.

She moved my hand away from the paper towels and helped me rest my head back. She started cleaning the blood from my nose and I winced. "Shhhhh," Bella hushed softly, as she caressed the hair behind my ear. My eyelids fluttered, and I succumbed to the pain, letting the darkness swallow me.

...

When I opened my eyes, it took me a while to recall where I was. My head was pounding, and my whole face hurt. I didn't know how we ended up like this, but I was using Bella's stomach as a pillow, with my arm wrapped around her hips. Her hand was still on the side of my face, with her fingers behind my ears.

I extricated myself from Bella's body, being careful not to wake her up. I had a vague recollection of the events from the night before. I had somehow ended up at Bella's place again, only to find her friend, Jacob. Somehow he knew I was married and was more than glad to give me the beating I deserved. In my opinion, he had gone easy on me.

I looked over at Bella, who was still peacefully sleeping beside me. God, how I wished I could stay and lie back beside her. But I couldn't, and I wouldn't, because I didn't deserve it, because I was worse than pond scum. What I had done to Bella the night before last was unforgivable— unacceptable. She had been nothing but sweet to me, and I still couldn't believe I took advantage of her that way.

There was a great deal of shit I'd done— masses of poor decisions I'd made— that had hurt me and other people. But I would never, ever, regret anything more than having slept with Bella that night . And not because I didn't want to be with her. Fuck, I'd never wanted anything else in my life as much as I wanted Bella. But being with her, as a reaction of finding Tanya in bed with someone else, was one of my greatest pitfalls.

I looked at my watch and sighed. It was five in the morning. I needed to leave before she woke up. I stood up carefully, still dizzy and in pain. I walked around to the arm of the couch, to where Bella's head rested. Some strands of her hair had fallen from the messy bun on her head and were now plastered over her face. With my fingers, I carefully brushed her hair back, enjoying the softness of it for one last time.

I remembered how good her hair looked that night she was wearing it down. I remembered fisting it while I hugged her after that asshole had made her cry…

I needed to get out of here, quickly, before I did something stupid. With a grunt and a great deal of self-hatred, I turned around and left.

Even though I was exhausted, I needed to burn some of the anger down, before I went to face Tanya. I went to the soccer field and trained, hard. By the time I was done, I was drenched in sweat and panting, and I couldn't find it in me to put this off any longer. It was two nights ago that I had found Tanya screwing who knows who, and I hadn't been home since. I missed Mandy, my baby girl. I couldn't stay away from her any longer.

Dragging my feet, I walked home smoking a cigarette, uncertain about what was going to take place once I got home. My thoughts had been completely wrapped up around Bella— and the guilt I felt for the atrocity I committed against her— that I hadn't given much thought to what I was going to do about Tanya. Dreading the feeling in the pit of my stomach, I opened the door slowly to find Tanya in her robe, making coffee in the kitchen.

As soon as she heard the keys, she dropped what she was doing and rushed to meet me at the door. Tears and smudges of makeup were already streaming down her face. "Oh my God, Edward! Where have you been?" Her arms wrapped around my neck as she cried on my shirt. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." I grabbed her wrists from behind my neck and untangled her from me. "Are you okay?" she asked worriedly, looking up at my busted face. I let go of her wrists, disgusted to be touching her.

_Am I okay?_

As everything came down on me, I felt a world of fatigue on my shoulders, to the point that I was afraid of collapsing. I was drained— emotionally and physically. "Honestly, Tanya? I've been better." I crawled to the couch and dropped on it.

"Baby, I'm so sorry." Tanya sat next to me as I held my head in my hands. My head was pounding. I didn't remember even having anything to eat.

"Where's Mandy?" I asked with my eyes closed still.

"In school. Baby, please let me explain," Tanya started, touching my hand. I flinched away from her touch.

I couldn't help but think about Bella, and how it felt when she would grab my hand. When Bella touched me, she transferred peace and calm to my whole body. Tanya's touch was having the exact opposite effect.

"There is nothing you could possibly say that would make this all right, Tanya." Her name came out as a curse from my lips, and I turned to look at her. "I just can't believe it still." I felt sick again. Maybe it was too soon to talk about this. I had to get up.

"Edward, please, just listen, I'm going to end it with him. I promise you. I will never see him again. Just try to understand," she begged, standing up behind me.

"Understand?" I barked, turning around and facing her, when her words sank in. "Wait a second. What do you mean end it with him? It wasn't a one-time thing?" Even hearing myself say the words just seemed surreal.

"Edward, I…" She stalled, looking down.

"Answer me!" I raised my voice at her and was surprised at how angry I sounded.

"Well, no, it wasn't," she whispered.

"How many times have you…?" I asked under my breath. I've never felt more outraged in my whole life.

"How many times? Edward, please. Don't do this."

"Tell me!" I was going to lose it.

"I… I…" she stammered.

"How many times have you fucked him? Dammit! Tell me!" My whole body was shaking in fury. I'd never been a violent person, but the need to break something was surging within me.

"I… I don't know," she said and started crying again, sitting back on the couch.

I looked around the room, running a hand through my hair, clueless as to what to do. I refrained myself from breaking something or yelling at the top of my lungs. I was starting to have trouble breathing, and I was struggling to stay in control.

I looked for the inhaler in my pants, but it wasn't there. Trying to calm down, I sat on the other couch and closed my eyes. Instinctively, my hand flew to my nose to pinch it —it was something I did to help me breathe. Only this time my nose hurt so much my eyes watered, and I cursed under my breath.

"Baby, I'm so sorry. Really, I am. I have no excuse. I can only tell you that I love you, and I want to work on our marriage, for Mandy."

"Mandy," I whispered, looking down.

_My baby girl…_

Ever since I found out Tanya was pregnant, I had promised myself I would give my daughter a better childhood than the one I'd had. And I had tried, so hard, to be good to them both. Just to think of my mom struggling to keep my brother and me afloat, and knowing how my father leaving had destroyed her. How could I leave her?

_I couldn't... I just couldn't._

"Yes, Amanda, honey. She's been crying all the time for you… asking when you were coming home. She didn't want to eat or go to school until you came. She is going to be so happy when she sees you."

"She is so young." _My sweet little princess_.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. I don't know," I said and covered my face. This was too much.

Tanya stood up and kneeled in front of me, on the edge of the couch.

"Baby, you need to find it in your heart to forgive me. I need you. _We_ need you. We have to work on it. I promise. I'll try my best, and you'll see, everything is going to be different," she swore, sobbing, and touched my hand again.

"I don't think I can ever forgive you." I shook my head and jerked my hand away from her, standing up.

"Not right now, I know… but make an effort… for Mandy… Please?"

The walls of my home seemed to be crumbling down, and the space started to feel very small. I gasped for air, holding on to the wall. My breathing situation had reached its limit, enough for Tanya to noticed as she brought me my inhaler.

I took one pull and held it in as I looked at her, trying to calm down. I needed to cool off. "I'm going to take a shower."

…

I let the water run over my body, hoping its warmth would wash away all this shit.

_This is so fucked up_.

I thought about Bella, and how she would wake up to find me gone again — like the coward that I was. Only this time, I was going to be gone for good. I could not leave Mandy. I could not break my promise.

I would not look for Bella. She didn't deserve to be involved in all this shit. Even though she said she would be my friend, I couldn't be hers — not when I was... when I was so...

_Shit, this is so messed up._

I sighed, shutting the water off.

I found Tanya still on the couch, hugging her knees to her chest and crying.

"You know we've been growing apart for a long time now," I started.

_Mainly because you are a cold and frigid bitch. _I refrained from saying that out loud.

"Baby, there's so much history between us!" she cried, interrupting me.

"Please, let me just… um… I met someone, a couple of months ago. I… I liked her. Actually, I care about her," I said, swallowing hard. "I wanted to be with her, but I -I mean, the feeling of betrayal was eating me inside. I just can't believe you did this."

"Honey, I…"

"That night I got fired from Earl's."

"Oh…"

"So for the first time in many years, I come home early, only to find you in bed with someone else— in my bed." I placed a hand on my chest for emphasis, feeling sick again.

"Edward…"

"So I left. I went to her house, and I couldn't find it in me to resist her any longer." Tanya's eyes opened wide and filled with more tears, but she remained quiet, gaping at me. "I think whatever we had is dead." I rested my head back on the couch.

"You slept with someone else too?" she whispered.

"It's not the same," I said without looking at her.

...

I was able to rest for a bit before going to my only remaining job— cleaning pools. I was tempted to call in sick, being in no mood to work, but I got paid by the hour, and I needed a breather from the environment at home.

Tanya and I hadn't said anything else to each other. We were both processing what had happened in our own space.

Once I got back from work, Mandy was already home. As soon as she saw me, her face lit up, and she ran to the door to meet me, colliding with my legs and giving me a bear hug. I picked her up and hugged her to my chest, moved by her happy tears. I planted kisses on her forehead and her face, and she wrapped her arms around my neck. Her golden curls were getting stuck on the scruff on my face, and she giggled as she pulled her hair from my face.

"Daddy, you need to shave." She laughed with her little hand on the side of my face. I smiled and rubbed my chin on her neck which made her scream in laughter. My little princess was so ticklish.

…

I sat outside to smoke a cigarette, while Mandy rode her bike around the yard, in an attempt to slow down my mind and the overwhelming amount of thoughts in it.

I would not be like my father —that much was clear. I would not leave when shit got tough. I would stay home and provide for my family, ensure a good childhood for Amanda. Even though I would not be able to forgive Tanya, or ever be with her again, I would try to be civil around her, for Amanda. I was willing to make a sacrifice and give it a try.

I would stay away from Bella. Through some inner twisting of my mind, I rationalized that I was doing it for her too. She was better off without the likes of me. I would probably think about her constantly, and even keep dreaming about her, but I would not look for her.

Her friend would tell her the situation, and she would hate me and forget about me. I would focus on soccer and try to find a better job. I would move on with my life, as shitty as it was, and try to make the best of it for my daughter. I would sacrifice myself for them. I would be the man my father never was.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

**Thanks for reading! :)**


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything _Twilight_. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to the lovelies mcc101180 & thir13enth from PTB for their beta skills!

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

BPOV

Two weeks had gone by since I last saw Edward. I woke up on the couch that morning, and he was gone. Jake tried to talk to me a couple times about Edward, but I told him once and for all to stay away from my boy trouble. Jacob could be so possessive at times, and so stubborn! Beating up Edward like that had definitely crossed the line.

I couldn't believe Edward hadn't been looking for me. He hadn't been to Earl's in the night or at the soccer field on Sundays. I just didn't understand what was going on with him. The night we slept together was amazing, at least for me. I didn't know what I was doing, but he still seemed to be enjoying himself. I would usually talk about something like this with Jacob, but that was out of the question now. And as it turned out, none of my friends really liked Edward anyway; they were all sided against him.

I was heading back home from the library, and as I walked through the park, I noticed there was a soccer game going on the field. I came closer just out of habit. Edward wasn't playing, but I saw him on the bench. They let him play the last twenty minutes. He seemed to have recovered from his knee injury. When the game ended, I decided to leave without saying anything to him.

_He could have looked for me if he wanted… the least I deserve is that_.

Distracted, I didn't realize I was walking in the same direction all the players were coming out of the field.

_Oh, crap._

There was nowhere to hide. A couple of seconds later, we were standing face to face.

"Bella," was all he said. I glanced at him nervously. It seemed we were both caught off guard.

"Oh… Hi," I tried to get my thoughts together. I didn't want to come off as a jealous girlfriend or anything like that. "How are you?" I asked casually, pretending to be at ease with the encounter. Edward kept staring at me without answering. "Nice game. How's your leg?" I blurted incoherently.

"Oh, um… Hi," he mumbled, just as incoherently as me, looking down.

"Hi," I repeated, involuntarily smiling. I took comfort in the fact that he seemed affected by me as well. The logical part of me knew I should be mad at him— and I was— but the less rational part couldn't help but notice how breathtaking he looked in his soccer uniform. His hair was sweaty and ruffled, his cheeks were flushed, and he was breathing hard. I couldn't really focus on anything else.

Edward looked at me with a confused expression. "I- I'm… I- I thought you might be… um…" he stammered, looking into my eyes.

"What? Sad? Angry? Why?" I interrupted him. "Oh, please. I told you I wasn't going to need anything from you," I said, trying to appear cool and failing miserably.

"Well, I- didn't your friend tell you?"

"Who? Jacob? Tell me what?"

_What did Jacob have to do with any of this? _

"Oh, Bella, I'm-" He looked down again and scratched the back of his neck.

"Wait a minute! Why did he hit you that night? Did he tell you to stay away from me?" I questioned, now understanding everything. Edward had stayed away because of Jacob!

"Well," he said, still looking down and shuffling his feet.

"Ugh! I'm going to kill him! I told him to stay out of it! He's like a jealous big brother, you know?" Jacob was officially in trouble.

"Bella, I-" he started, looking at me, but he was distracted by something—someone— behind me. "Bella, I'm very, very sorry."

"Hello," the blond woman, who came from behind me and stood beside Edward, said.

"Daddy!" A little girl came then, squealing and running to Edward. "You were awesome!" the little cutie said, holding her arms up in front of Edward.

My heart sank in realization as I looked at the most beautiful blond curls I had ever seen. The little girl was wearing a black and green striped jersey— a smaller version of Edward's.

"Hey," Edward said, lifting who I could only assume was his daughter up. He glanced at me remorsefully.

_I guess I was wrong about why he stayed away._

My eyes were flashing from him, to the cute little girl in his arms, to the blond woman who was looking back at me with an arched eyebrow.

"Aren't you going to introduce us, honey?" the blond woman asked, eyeing me suspiciously.

"Yes, um-" Edward struggled for words.

"I'm Tanya, his wife," the woman said quickly, extending her hand. "And you are?"

"I'm… I-I'm-" I tried to get my thoughts together, still gaping at Edward.

_He is married._

"I'm leaving…" I said, turned around and left.

_Well, fuck my life._

"Bella," I heard Edward call behind me, but I didn't look back.

…

_How could this be happening?_

Several things started to make sense as I walked back home, still in shock. Why he was so cryptic all this time. Why he was always holding back. He could have told me, but he didn't. He chose to hide it. He kissed me. He slept with me!

_Son of a bitch!_

As soon as I got home, I called Jacob.

I was grateful for Jacob. He was the best friend I could have ever asked for. When he came over, he told me how he found out, and then let me cry myself dry. He ended up staying to watch a movie.

I was sitting next to him, with my head on his shoulder, when someone knocked at my door. Jacob got up, opened the door, and as soon as he saw who was behind it, he stepped outside and closed the door behind him.

I knew at once it was Edward. I walked closer to the door and stood quietly behind it.

"Listen," I heard Edward say. "I know you despise me, but I need to talk to her." His voice sounded strained.

"No, _you_ listen to me," Jacob hissed. "I thought I made it clear when I told you to stay away from her."

"I just want to explain. It's not what you think." I peeked through the window to see Edward standing on the bottom steps of my door.

I could see Jacob towering in front of him from the top of the stairs.

"Are you not married? Is it that?" Jacob countered.

"Well, no. But-" Edward looked lost, his eyes showing defeat.

"Then it is _exactly_ what I think," Jake accused as my hand reached for the doorknob.

"Jake," I said softly, stepping outside. My eyes were on Edward's, and as soon as I stepped out, his were on mine too.

"He was just leaving, right?" Jacob warned, but Edward took one step forward only to be stopped by Jacob's hand on his chest. I stood behind Jacob with my arms crossed, looking at Edward and wishing he would go.

"No. Wait," Edward said, taking a step back and smacking Jacob's hand off of his chest, while keeping his eyes on mine. "Bella, please." He looked at me beseechingly. "Just let me explain. Five minutes. That's all." I had to look down. His stare was too much to bear, and my eyes were getting teary.

"Man! Didn't you hear what I said?" I could sense Jacob was losing control. When Edward took another step forward, Jacob used both hands to push him back.

"Jake… Wait." I didn't want them to start a fight.

"Dude, stop touching me," Edward said, taking Jacob's hands off of his chest again. Edward backed off and took a deep breath, trying to stay calm it seemed, but his eyes never left mine. "Bella, please."

_How could I deny him the chance to explain?_

"Jake," I said hesitantly, but it was too late. Jacob pushed Edward more aggressively this time, and Edward pushed him back. I rushed behind Jacob, but before I could stop him, his fist connected with Edward, first at his stomach and then right at his face. Edward fell on the ground on his hands and knees.

"Jake! Stop it!" I said, clutching Jacob's shirt and pulling him back. I kneeled beside Edward who was trying to stand up. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," he groaned through his teeth with a hand holding his stomach as he stood up. He wiped the blood from his lip with his other hand.

"What the fuck, Bella?" Jacob cursed in frustration, grabbing my elbow and pulling me up.

"Jake…" I turned to face him. "I'm going to talk to him. Stay out of it." Jacob's eyes widened with fury, and he let go of my arm. Edward was standing on the side, trying to catch his breath, after Jacob had knocked the air out of him.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Jacob yelled, grabbing his hand. "I'm out of here." He kicked the chair on my porch and left.

_Geez, he could be so dramatic…_

My attention went back to Edward, who was still grabbing his stomach and breathing hard next to me. I sighed and walked to my door, holding it open and waiting for him to come in. The look on his eyes was devastating and was painful to watch. There was regret, pain and defeat like before. All and all, he looked resigned. I stared at him expectantly, crossing my arms over my chest.

He ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath. "Thank you for letting me explain," he started, and I nodded. "I'm so sorry, Bella. There are no words to describe how sorry I am for hurting you." He was going to have to look for some words, because this just wasn't good enough.

He looked at me and realized I wasn't going to interrupt him, so he continued. "I never meant to hurt you. I've never met anyone more caring or sweeter than you, Bella, and I will hate myself forever for lying to you. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness so I won't ask you for it, and I will never forgive myself." He rubbed a hand on his chest.

"Just tell me the truth, Edward." My voice came out in a whisper as I walked past him and sat on the couch. He looked at me and sat on the chair next to the couch.

"Okay, um… well, yes I am married. I've been married for five years, and I have a five-year-old daughter." He sighed and sunk on the chair, apparently relieved to have told me.

"I figured that one out," I said sarcastically under my breath.

"Right," he said, looking down. I stayed quiet and let him speak. "We were together in high school. We were so young when she got pregnant, but I needed to do the right thing, Bella. I couldn't- I…" He paused to clear his throat. "We've been through a lot, but um…We have been growing apart for a long time now, and everything between you and me was real— _is_ real. I tried to stop it. I tried to hide it— to hold back— but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I wanted to tell you, that day after we kissed, but everything happened so fast, I just… I didn't know what to do," he said and kept looking down.

"You are a coward. How could you hide this from me?" I couldn't mask the pain in my voice.

His eyes sought mine before speaking again. "I know. I'm sorry. I thought I could keep things friendly between us, but you took me by surprise, Bella. I never expected any of this to happen. Then that night, I got fired and I went home early, for the first time in so long, only to find her sleeping with someone else— in my bed." Edward stopped to take a deep breath and shook his head, as if to get rid of the mental image.

I looked at him with eyes wide open. He was still looking down.

_She cheated on him too?_

"I know- I know it's a pathetic excuse, but I lost it that night, I drank way too much, and I just couldn't hold back on what I was feeling for you any longer."

How was I supposed to feel about that? On one hand, I was angry and hurt— I felt lied to and betrayed. But on the other hand, hearing him admit that he has or had feelings for me had me confused as hell.

"So, basically, you screwed me to get over being screwed?"

"No! It wasn't like that at all!" he retorted, standing up and running a hand through his hair. "I started having feelings for you long before I knew she was cheating on me. I just didn't act on them." He was pacing back and forth in front of the couch. One hand was on his neck, the other a fist on his chest.

I stood up before asking, "Do you love her?" My question stopped him dead in his tracks, and he turned and looked at me.

"I- I don't know," he whispered, sounding honest. "I feel like I should try, you know? For Amanda, my daughter." His voice cracked when he mentioned his daughter, and my stomach dropped. The agonized look on his face was too much to take, and I had to turn around and look at the window. Tears were threatening at the corner of my eyes.

"Then fine, I don't understand what you are here for though," I said, wrapping my arms around me, still facing the window, torn. A part of me wanted to comfort him and wipe that devastated look off his face, but the other part of me needed his comfort just as much.

"I- I am here because I owed you an explanation. One I should have given you a long time ago. It's complicated, you know? You weren't like an affair or anything like that…" He trailed off and I could hear him getting closer. "I- I care about you. This is not being easy. I-" I could feel he was right behind me, his heat radiating through me, his breath on my neck. "I miss you," he whispered in my ear, and it took everything in me not to turn around to hug him or kiss him or slap him or hit him or something.

Tears were now falling freely from my face, and a small sob escaped my lips. I hung my head forward and saw, out the corner of my eye, how he had his fists clenched at his sides in a tense pose. "I'm so sorry, Bella," he whispered. "I can't…" With my eyes closed and full of tears, I only heard him take a couple steps back, and then the door opened and shut.

…

_Edward is married._

I have been staring at the ceiling of my bedroom for what seemed like a long time.

_He has a daughter, for God's sake!_

Yes, I felt hurt and betrayed, but I couldn't deny I still had a soft spot for Edward in my heart. His wife had cheated on him, but he was giving her a chance for the sake of his daughter's childhood. And as much as it sucked for me, I respected that in him. I know I was probably not the best judge of character, given how I often misinterpreted how someone felt about me, but I was pretty sure Edward had feelings for me. He had said so. And he was giving up on those feelings for his marriage— for his daughter. Edward was a good person— he just wasn't for me.

…

When Mike called to say they were going out to Earl's, I first declined — I was clearly in no mood to go out. However, after staring at my ceiling for a couple more hours, I changed my mind and decided to go. I grabbed the first thing I found in my closet and went with it, covered the puffiness and redness around my eyes with some makeup, and walked to Earl's by myself.

Mike, Jessica and Jacob were already at the bar when I arrived. "Hey guys!" Mike and Jessica greeted me back with smiles. Jacob turned around, asked for a drink and walked away.

_Great…_

"What happened? He hasn't said a word," Mike asked, gesturing to Jacob with his head.

"Nothing," I said and ordered a drink too. I looked at Jacob; he was sitting at a table with some random girls. I just sighed and took a sip from my drink.

…

Okay, so this had been a bad idea.

Jacob was ignoring me, and I was sitting with Mike and Jessica, with a big third wheel sign on my face, pretending to care what Jessica was yapping about. Half an hour later, I was bored of the conversation— I was bored of everything. Today had been an emotional tiring day, and I was ready to call it a night.

Jacob came back to get some drinks at the bar. "Hi…" I smiled shyly at Jake, but he ignored me. "Hey, Jake. C'mon." I grabbed him by his arm.

"They are waiting for these," he said, referring to the four drinks he was carrying.

"Can we talk?" I looked at him with pleading eyes.

"It's cool, Bella. Do whatever you want," he said dismissively.

"Jake, please. I don't want you to be mad at me."

"I'm going to take these drinks to the table."

"And then can we talk?"

"Yes," Jake groaned. He walked to the table, left the drinks, and came back.

"Let's go outside." I got off from the barstool, and he followed me outside. He sat down on the bench and took a sip from his drink. "I should be the one who is mad, Jake." I dropped down beside him.

"I'll stay out of it! Fine!" he said, exasperated, standing up, about to leave.

"Jake, wait." I grabbed his arm again. "Please, sit down."

Jacob huffed as he sat back down. "What?"

"I know you mean well, but… I mean… why do you have to fight? You've hit James. You've hit Edward— twice now. I know you were trying to protect me, and that's good. I appreciate it, but I just wish you wouldn't get physical. I just don't like fights, that's all." He kept on drinking. "Do you know what I mean?"

"Yes. It's just that I don't get why you fall for these losers. I mean, the fucking coyote? Are you serious? I can't believe you are defending him!"

"I just don't think it was necessary to hit him," I tried to explain.

"And the waiter? C'mon! You said you never wanted to see that fucker again, and then he shows up and wants to talk to you, I kick him out, and you get mad at me?" He pointed at his chest.

"She cheated on him, you know? He is giving her another chance."

"What-the fuck-ever, Bella! Like that justifies screwing you up?"

"No, but-"

"Never mind, Bella. I'll stay out of it." Jacob finished his drink. "Was that all?" He stood up.

"Jake, please. Stop with the attitude. Come here," I said, extending my arms.

"What?"

"Hug it out," I said, smiling. He looked uncomfortable, but he hugged me back. "I love you, Jake." I sighed on his chest. "So, how are the prospects tonight?" I looked at the five girls waiting for him at a table.

"They're okay," Jake said and shrugged. "One-nights, most of them," guessing how long it would probably take him to get them in bed.

…

Surprisingly, when Jacob and I came back inside, I actually started having a decent time with my friends.

Of course, my life being my life, it didn't last for long.

About an hour later, I saw Edward come in the bar with another guy. I couldn't stop staring at him because he was not being his composed and cryptically collected self. He was being loud and clumsy, laughing while hanging on the shoulder of this other guy.

As if he could feel me staring, his eyes looked up and connected with mine. In that moment, his arm dropped from the guy's shoulder and the smile disappeared from his face.

_Shit…_

I turned around on my stool as fast as I could, hunching over the counter trying to appear invisible, facing the back of the bar. A couple of seconds later, I had an arm over my shoulder and a wet kiss on my cheek.

"Bella…" His voice sounded all wrong as he slurred my name. His face lingered close to mine, his nose touching my cheek.

I shook my shoulder, dropping his arm, and with a hand on his chest, gently pushed him back. Looking at him was painful. Even though his eyes were only a little bigger than slits, I could see they were red and his pupils were out of focus. He stood there, swaying in front of me, with a smile that didn't touch the devastating look in his eyes.

Jacob, who was sitting next to me, finished his drink in one gulp and slammed the glass on the bar. It made me jump a little as he walked away.

"Sorry," Edward slurred, smiling, with his eyes almost shut. He was holding himself on the counter for support, still leaning over me.

"Are you okay?" I asked worriedly.

"Please, excuse my brother," the guy that came with Edward said, taking him off of me. "Edward, let's go. You're bothering the lady."

"You are his brother?" I asked him, and I don't know how I didn't notice the resemblance before. The guy that was holding Edward— his brother— was a thinner, older version of Edward. They had similar hair color except Edward's brother's hair was lighter, longer and wavy.

"You know him?"

Edward smacked a friendly hand on his brother chest. "Bella, this is Masen. Bro, this is Bella," Edward started, his eyes on me the whole time. "She's my friend. She's amazing, but she's only my friend." The smile was slowly leaving his face as he rambled. "And that's all she'll ever be, just my fend." He snorted. "Fiend," he tried again, frowning. "Holy fucking shit, friend!" Edward banged his hand on the counter in anger. "Forever and always, my fucking friend."

Edward's face contorted as if in pain when his hand moved to the side of my face, and he brushed some stray hairs behind my ear. His touch left my ear tingling as he removed his hand with a huff.

"That's enough tequila for you, man," Masen said then, pulling Edward away from me again. "I'm sorry," Masen held Edward up and started to walk him away.

I stayed there troubled by the whole situation. My heart clenched, and my stomach was in knots.

"Are you okay?" Mike came closer.

"I didn't know he had a brother," I said, confused, without looking at Mike. Masen was carrying Edward to a nearby table.

"I'm going to take Jessica home. You want a ride?" Mike offered.

"Is Jake staying?" I turned to look at Mike and he nodded. "I'll stay."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I… yes, I'll be fine."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I just want to make sure he is okay. Is that so wrong?" I asked, rubbing my hands on my jeans.

"Well, I don't know what's going on." Mike looked at me uncertainly. I waved a hand at him dismissively and turned my gaze to Edward. He was now sitting at the table with his brother and an empty look on his face. He was gazing in my direction but not at me.

After Mike and Jessica left, I turned around and glanced at Jacob, who was sitting outside. Then I turned back to Edward— his brother had left him alone at the table while he looked for some drinks but got distracted by a girl and was now talking to her at the bar. Edward had his head between his arms on top of the table, obviously not feeling well.

With a sigh, I walked to Edward's table. "Hey," I said timidly, but he didn't move. "Edward?" I touched his arm, and he lifted his head up and looked at me, barely able to keep his eyes open. "Are you okay?" I sat down beside him.

"Hello, Bella," he said and flashed me my favorite crooked smile; it made me all soft inside. The cut on his lip from earlier was red and swollen. "How are you?"

"I'm okay." I grinned, looking at him. "You don't look too good though."

"You asked me something earlier, remember?" He frowned, hunched over the table holding his head up with his right hand.

"I'm not sure." I kept my hands between my legs to try to resist touching him.

"I don't. I don't love her," he said, taking a deep breath.

"Edward," I whispered, looking down.

"I'm so confused." He groaned, rubbing his fingers over his eyes.

"I know. Listen, it's okay. I know you are trying-" My hand betrayed me and rubbed his arm over his jacket.

"No. Don't do this, shit!" He banged his fist on the table.

I dropped my hand from his arm, taken aback.

"Don't be all nice and understanding and great… so pretty and shit. Goddammit!" He covered his face with his hand. "I don't feel good."

"I'm sorry." I didn't know what else to say.

Edward took a deep breath a turned to look at me, one hand holding his head up and the other running through his hair. "Can I ask you for something?"

"Yes." I was lost in the green of his eyes.

Edward sat up straight and rubbed a fist on his chest. "Can I kiss you one last time?"

As soon as the words escaped his mouth, all I could do was stare at his lips. My tongue twitched in my mouth, aching to wet my lips, and I had to bite my lip just to keep my mouth shut.

"I should go, Edward. This is not helping either of us," I managed to say after a couple seconds. I needed to go. I couldn't do this.

"I'm… I- I'm," he stuttered, struggling for words.

With shaky hands, I stood up. "Goodbye, Edward."

Edward stood up behind me, stumbling with the table. He grasped my elbow and turned me around. He held me close to him. He was breathing hard. His hand lingered on my cheek as he brushed some hairs behind my ear again.

I couldn't move. I felt like I had turned into putty. He was looking at me, and I struggled to look away. I closed my eyes to regain my strength and hung my head. He grabbed my chin with his hand and tilted my head up. His thumb pulled at my lower lip, releasing it from my teeth, and he swallowed hard.

"Edward," I begged, placing a hand on his chest where his heart pounded harshly.

He leaned over slowly, tentatively, waiting to see if I would stop him. He was going to kiss me, and I was once again torn, hoping he wouldn't but wishing he would. His hand was still holding my chin up when his lips touched mine softly. My knees felt weaker as the seconds ticked by. He inhaled audibly as he broke the kiss way too soon. Our noses touched and he was breathing heavily. He grabbed my face with both his hands and opened his eyes, pulling away a bit.

My eyes teared up as I saw his, red surrounding green.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. You- you don't deserve this. I- I don't deserve you." He looked down, letting go of me.

I sighed, gazing down as well. This was never going to work. We couldn't be friends. I couldn't offer him any comfort, and he couldn't reciprocate. "I should go. I- I need to go," I said, taking a step back. I glanced up at him, and he was staring at me, with that devastated look on his face again and one hand over his chest, on that spot he rubbed whenever he was anxious. "Goodbye, Edward," I said again, turned around and left.

…

I walked outside to where Jacob was sitting and dropped next to him, defeated. I took the drink from his hand and took a big gulp. I looked at him and tried to smile, but it probably looked more like a grimace.

"I'm okay, but, can we just go home?" Tears were slipping freely from my eyes now.

"Damn it, Bella. You shouldn't put yourself through this shit," Jacob said and hugged me. I buried my face in his chest and cried some more. He kept on holding me until we left.

It was obvious by now— I had to leave Edward behind. It hurt too much to see him like this. I couldn't be with him, not while he was with her. I deserved something better.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

A/N: Thank you for reading! I promise it'll get better.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything _Twilight_. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to the lovelies mcc101180 & thir13enth from PTB for their beta skills!

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

EPOV

"Goodbye, Edward," Bella said, turning around, and leaving.

I had to sit back down because my head was spinning.

To say that the past two weeks had been a struggle would have been an understatement. I'd been too close to losing it and giving myself away. Without my job at Earl's, I had found myself with extra time on my hands, which— for me — was never a good thing.

In addition, trying to stay away from Bella had been nearly impossible. I figured it would be easier if I didn't see her, so I only allowed myself to think of her— especially because thinking of her distracted me from other thoughts of more addictive things I could be doing in my free time.

_Shit…_

I wasn't about to throw away my only true accomplishment for years, but it still didn't make it any less of a torture. The pressure on my chest was getting worse, to the point where it was painful to breathe. Like here was an alien, clawing its way out of my sternum. I rubbed my fist on it constantly, but that didn't seem to work anymore.

That morning Bella had showed up at the field, the _one_ time that Tanya decided to bring Amanda to my game.

_Talk about bad timing._

Tanya had never gone to a game of mine, _ever_. She would always say it was a waste of time, and that I should focus on something more profitable. However, after what had happened, Tanya had been all supportive of whatever it was I wanted to do. Honestly, it felt so fake.

Bella had looked so pretty that morning, with her blue skirt and her white tank top. That blue beaded necklace that fell right between her tits— her heavenly beautiful tits. I had to swallow hard to push aside the thoughts of me kissing the space between said tits. That morning she seemed surprised to see me, even happy or maybe excited. I expected her to be angry at me, disappointed, maybe slap me or hit me or something. But no, there she was, acting like nothing was wrong in the world, with that beautiful smile on her face.

It took me a while to realize she didn't know— her friend had not told her. For a second, the monster inside of me considered being able to get away with it… until I saw Tanya and Mandy running to me, that is. The look on Bella's face as she slowly realized who they were was heartbreaking. Shock, hurt and realization all flashed across her features in an instant. Her eyes were on me the whole time, and I was wishing I could ask her friend to beat me up again. And when I showed up at her place later that morning, he delivered. I tried to explain, but really there was nothing I could say to make it right. I had hurt her, and she had looked so sad. Her eyes were puffy and red as if she had been crying.

_I caused that._

She asked me if I loved Tanya, and her question broke me in two. I didn't love Tanya. I really didn't, and I hadn't for a while too, way before I met Bella.

I had left Bella's house and stopped at a bar on my way home. It was early to start drinking, but I was at my lowest, which was probably why I called my brother, Masen. I needed someone to talk to —to not go insane— and although Masen had never been good news, he had been clean for a while. He agreed instantly to meet me for drinks, and I didn't know how or why we ended up at Earl's. But of course Bella was there, to remind me exactly what it was I couldn't have.

I glanced up, searching for Bella, and found her sitting outside with her friend— the same one with the killer right hook that broke my nose and busted my lip open. I couldn't say I hadn't deserved it though. I saw him hug her, and my stomach churned.

I covered my eyes with my hand and rubbed my temple.

I hated him, even if he was a good friend to her. I hated him, even if he was there for her, to console her when I couldn't. I still hated him, even if he was a thousand times better for her than I was. Yeah, I hated him. I was a heartless piece of shit.

When I opened my eyes, I saw Bella walk by with her friend, on their way out, her shoulders hunched and her eyes looking down.

I sighed. _I caused that, too._

"I have something that might cheer you up." My brother came to the table and sat in front of me, distracting me from my inner ramblings and setting two more shots on the table.

My stomach turned— I couldn't possibly drink anymore. "I think I should go home," I said, pushing the shots in his direction. I really wasn't feeling well.

"Listen, what would you say if I told you I have the perfect job for you?" Masen said, looking at me and arching his pierced eyebrow.

"That's the last thing on my mind right now, Masen."

"Isn't Amanda the reason you're giving your life up?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" I rubbed my hands on my face trying to keep up with Masen.

"Well, with these shitty jobs you're looking for, you need at least two to keep your head above water. And then you wouldn't get to spend much time with her, right? So what's the point anyway?"

"Do _you_ have a point?" I said, annoyed.

"Yes… what if I told you that… um…" He started lowering his voice. "You know… I know guys, and they… they need things to be delivered… and they would pay you, probably more than you have ever earned in your whole life."

"What would I be delivering?" I said, marginally interested.

"You don't really need to know… you know… let's say it's just a box… you take the box from someone to another someone and that's it. You could earn a couple grand a week."

"Why do I have the feeling this might be something illegal?"

"Hey… c'mon, what kind of job isn't really a little bit illegal?"

He had a point, but unfortunately, with my brother, it always was.

"Forget it, Masen."

"Think about it, wouldn't you like to be able to provide for your family without having to kill yourself at shitty jobs? Don't you want to be able to spend time with your daughter? To have time to play soccer the way you should? And not to be a fucking zombie because you are so tired all the time?" Masen continued, but I decided to ignore him.

…

Days continued to pass, and I kept on looking for a job, but all I could find were part-time, low-wage, shitty jobs. I would need at least two of those to keep my family afloat. Frankly, I was desperate. It had been almost a month since my last check at Earl's, and we were struggling to make ends meet.

Against my better judgment, I got together with Masen and agreed to the other job he'd offered. I figured I could do it just once, and then I'd have a cushion to try to look for a better job. Masen drove me where I had to pick up the _package_ that needed to be delivered at night the next day. It had trouble written all over it, and I was already regretting my decision when I got home.

We had dinner, and while Tanya was doing the dishes, I put Amanda to bed. I tucked her in and went outside to smoke a cigarette. I might have just been being paranoid, but I could've sworn I was being watched. I looked around the yard, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I finished my smoke and turned around to walk in the house. When I was about to come inside, something knocked me hard on the neck, and everything went black before I hit the ground.

…

I opened my eyes and found myself with my hands tied behind my back, lying against the wall in our living room. I looked around and saw Tanya kneeling across the room in front of me. She had her mouth duck-taped, and she was crying. I tried to stand up, but my feet were tied too. I scanned the room searching for Amanda, but she wasn't there. My head was swimming, and my vision was blurry. There were three men, dressed in black, wearing face masks. They were searching the apartment.

"Where is it?" One of the guys came closer to me and ripped the duct tape off my face.

"Where's what?" I said through my teeth.

"Don't play stupid with me, asshole. Tell me where it is," he said, pulling a gun from his back.

They were armed.

_Shit…_

"I don't know what you are talking about, man."

"So, is that the part you want to play? Fine." He hit me on the left side of my head with the butt of his gun. I fell to one side, and warm blood started running into my eye from where he'd hit me.

As Tanya moaned, horrified, the other guy approached her. "Hey, gorgeous. Do you know where it is?" She shook her head, sniffling while he kneeled in front of her. "Nice necklace," he said, caressing her chest.

"Hey," I said from the floor. "Please, leave her out of it." I tried to get up but couldn't. There was a throbbing pain on the back of my head combined with the new pounding on the side of my face. My head felt like it was, at least, twice its size.

"Oh so _now_ you are willing to talk?" one of the guys said. I could hear another one ransacking my bedroom. I was outnumbered— there was no way we were coming out of it unharmed. Since my hands were still tied behind me, I tried pushing myself up on my knees.

"Found it! Let's go." The third guy came out the room just as I managed to stand up. "Thanks for nothing, asshole," the guy said, hitting me in the stomach— knocking the air out of me. I fell to my knees as I heard them leave. I stayed down, heaving with my face pressed on the carpet, trying to get my breathing back under control. It took me a few minutes to calm down, and several more to untie my feet. I walked to Tanya who was still kneeling across the room, sobbing in despair.

"Hey, they're gone. Calm down. It's okay." My hands where still tied so I had to kneel backward behind her and untie her so that then she could undo my restrains. I carefully removed the duck-tape from her mouth.

"What was that all about?" she cried as I ran to Mandy's room. She was there, miraculously, still sleeping and unaware of what went on outside. I breathed hard in relief.

"I don't know," I lied to Tanya and went to our bedroom. I looked in the closet's drawer. The _package_ was gone. "Dammit!" I yelled, hitting the door.

"What is it?" she said, following me around as I paced through the house.

"Nothing. I… I gotta go," I said, grabbing my head in vain to stop the pounding.

"What? Are you insane? What if they come back?" Tanya said, getting in front of me.

"They won't come back, trust me. I need to go to Masen's."

"Does Masen have something to do with this? Are you doing business with him? You know he is using again," she said in one breath, looking at me.

"He is clean," I said, ignoring her and walking outside.

"Don't be naïve, Edward. He is not clean. Please, tell me what's going on." She grabbed my arm.

"I… I gotta go."

"You are bleeding." She touched the side of my face, and even the slight pressure made me wince. I went to the bathroom, grabbed a towel, and dried some of the blood. I hoped it wasn't still bleeding, but I really didn't have time for that now. Tanya begged me to stay, but I left anyway. I needed to find Masen.

_I fucking knew something like this was going to happen! _

I called Masen on his cellphone, but there was no answer. I went to his house, but he wasn't there. I was getting desperate— I didn't know what to do. I ended up in the bar across the street from Earl's and started drinking. About an hour later, I tried calling Masen a couple more times, but he was nowhere to be found. I thought maybe he went back home, so I stopped by again. The door was unlocked, so I went in. I found my brother on the couch, with a tourniquet around his arm and his chest covered in vomit.

"Shit…" I came closer to him. "Masen, Masen!" I shook him and checked his pulse. It was faint, but he wasn't breathing. I started doing CPR on him, and thankfully, after only a couple of minutes, I was able to bring him back.

Masen sat up and started coughing before he fell on the floor on his knees and started throwing up. I had to take a minute and lay back— my head felt like it wanted to explode, everything hitting me at once.

Masen was using again.

The white powder that remained on the table was making the pressure in my chest nearly unbearable. As if the alien was tearing up my sternum with his claws. I rubbed a hand on my chest as a habit, but with little hope that it might actually help. I knew what would ease that pressure— it was right there in front of me. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, trying to attain some willpower.

_Don't do it._

_Think of Mandy, please._

_It's not worth it._

When I opened my eyes, I focused my sight on my brother and avoided looking at his coffee table. Masen was still on all fours, heaving in front of me. He kneeled and rested his hands on his thighs when I saw it— an eagle tattoo I didn't know my brother had on his back.

Flashbacks from the night I found Tanya in bed with someone else attacked me full force and knocked the air out of me. "It can't be," I think I said as I stood up.

"Hey," Masen said from the floor, wiping his mouth with his hand.

"It was you," I said in disbelief.

"I'm sorry, man," he said, sitting down. He used the t-shirt that was on the couch to clean the vomit from his chest.

"I… I don't believe this." I closed my eyes and grabbed my head. The pounding got worse every fucking minute.

"Look, I…" Masen crawled to the couch. "I have a plan, don't worry."

"What?"

"Listen, man. They… um… They were going to kill me, man," Masen mumbled from the couch.

"What the hell are you talking about? Are you still high?" Nothing made any sense.

_Him and Tanya?_ It was fucking unbelievable.

"No, listen… I have the dope. I'll give it back to them, and then I am out. I swear. I have a car. You'll give it to them. It's a pretty good deal, man." Masen rubbed his eyes with one hand and pulled at his hair with the other. "I know it sounds messed up. I told them not to hurt you though."

It took me a while to realize what he was talking about.

"Oh… oh! You sent those guys to get the dope from my house?"

_Seriously, with a brother like Masen, who needs enemies?_

"I'm so sorry, man. They were going to kill me. I know you wouldn't have helped me if I told you what it was really about."

"Damn it, Masen… I…" I tried to get my thoughts together. The room started to feel crowded, and I was having trouble breathing. "I need to sit down… this… this is so fucked up," I said, breathing hard.

"Listen, I got it all figured out. I'll split the dope you had in two, and fill the rest with regular quality shit. Now I'll give them back one of the packages, and I'm off the hook. We'll tell them you got robbed, and you'll give them the car instead of the dope. Then I'll sell the other half of the package, and it's a couple grand each, easy!"

"It was you. You were sleeping with Tanya." I tried to stay calm by pinching the bridge of my nose and taking deeper breaths. I didn't have my inhaler with me— I couldn't deal with an asthma attack now.

"Um… oh… what? How did you-?"

"With all the shit I'm going through, now you put this on me too."

"Edward, it's not what you think. I am in love with her, and she is in love with me too."

"Well, fuck you, Masen." I stood up. I couldn't take any more of his shit. "I need to get out of here," I said, walking to the door.

"Listen, Edward. Wait!" he called, catching up with me. "Listen!" He grabbed my arm. "This isn't a game, man. They will find you. They're probably watching your every step."

"Let go of me." I jerked my arm out of his grip and left.

…

I went back to the bar again— the one across the street from Earl's. I drank and tried to make sense of this whole situation. I came out of the bar, lit a smoke and sat outside. A couple of minutes later, I saw Bella and her friends coming out of Earl's. Part of me was hoping she wouldn't see me, but the monster inside of me wanted her, needed her touch— her comforting presence. I stared at her, and just as if she could sense me, she turned around and looked back at me. She said something to her friend who automatically turned to glare at me, and then she was walking, across the street, to me.

"Hey," she said, coming closer. "Are you okay?" She sounded worried, and I wondered what I looked like.

"I… um… well…" _What could I say really?_ I was fucked.

"What happened?" She stepped closer to me. I was still sitting down on the bench, and she was standing in front of me. "Edward?" She tentatively raised her hand to the side of my head, where I wasn't bleeding. The feeling of her touch had me closing my eyes and leaning into her hand. I felt like I could cry. She moved closer to me, and I rested my head on her stomach. She stroked my hair. "Edward," she whispered.

"I'm so fucked up, Bella." I stood up and lit another cigarette. I paced nervously around the bench, smoking the cigarette.

_I shouldn't be here with her. What if they were really following me?_

I looked around in paranoia.

"Hey, what's going on? I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong."

"You just can't help me. It's… it's complicated."

"Okay, so… I'm just going to go then."

"Could you stay with me for a couple of minutes?"

_What a selfish bastard…_

"And then what?"

"I'll… I'll walk you home or something."

"And then? You'll go back to your house, and sleep with your wife, right?"

"I... um… we are not sleeping together… um… I've been sleeping on the couch. But you're right. I'm being selfish. I'm sorry. If you want, you can go."

"That's the whole point, Edward! I don't _want_ to go. You know what? Divorced parents raise their kids successfully! You don't have to stay with her."

"Bella, I- I have a lot going on my mind right now. I… um… I don't even know what to tell you. I thought you might… I don't know… keep me company for a little bit. That's all," I said, looking at her. I reached for another cigarette in my pocket.

"Your vulnerability is making this really hard for me, you know?"

"I'm sorry," I said. "Can I walk you home?" I looked at her. She seemed confused but nodded. We walked in silence for a while.

"So how is everything?" I tried small talk to try to distract her. She glanced at me with an arched eyebrow.

"We can walk in silence if you like, Edward," she said. "I understand if you just want company." She looked down and kept walking. "Whenever you are ready to tell me what's going on, we'll talk." She left me speechless. We arrived at her home, and she got her keys out.

"So…"

"Thanks for walking with me, Bella. Have a good night," I said, and she sighed.

"Okay, good night." She turned around and went inside.

I was clearly not at my finest these days. Yet again, I had proven to be unable to stay away from Bella. This time, however, I had possibly jeopardized her safety. I could have brought on her all this shit that Masen dropped on me. If Bella got hurt, or anyway involved in this, I would hate myself forever — even more.

Despite the fact that I couldn't even dream of deserving it, Bella knew, she simply knew, I needed her. She had stayed with me, let me walk her home. Bella was simply amazing. She understood me so well already. She knew I didn't want to talk. She knew I wouldn't know what to say or how to explain. She just knew. And I loved her for it.

_Holy fucking shit!_

I couldn't love Bella. My life was so fucked up. She was right though— I didn't have to stay with Tanya. I couldn't. Not with knowing that she was sleeping with my brother. I would get my shit together, get this mess sorted out, and then get my life back on track. I would take care of Mandy and provide for her. I would arrange something with Tanya. They could stay in the house, and I could find someplace else. I didn't have to be like my father. I couldn't leave Mandy, but I couldn't stay with Tanya either.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

A/N: Thanks for reading!


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything _Twilight_. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to the lovelies mcc101180 & thir13enth from PTB for their beta skills!

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

I shook my head to try to get some sense in me and started walking back from Bella's place. I was almost at the corner of her block, when someone pushed me from behind.

"Hey, Eddie-boy!" the fucker behind me said.

I turned around to see I was being cornered by two guys. "What the hell?" I said, taking a step back.

"Hey! Hey! What do you think you're doing, man?" one of the guys said as he grabbed me by my shirt and slammed me against the wall on the side of Bella's building. I suppressed a groan as my head hit the brick.

"Where's our stuff?" the other guy yelled in my face.

"Listen, there's been a delay. I'll have it by tomorrow." I tried to sound as calmly as possible.

"Oh no… You fucked up, dude. Big Rick is not going to like that."

"I'll pay him. Just give me one day."

"Just keep in mind, it's worth twenty grand."

"Twenty grand?" I was completely fucked.

"I think Eddie-boy needs a preview of what would happen if he doesn't pay us back." The two guys exchanged a look.

"I agree," said the one still pressing me against the wall.

A third guy— Big Rick, I assumed— was coming behind them. Big Rick was… well… big. No, scratch that, he was huge, bigger-than-Bella's-huge-ass-friend, huge. They both looked at him and grinned. One look at his face, and I knew— I just knew— what was coming.

The two guys held my arms and kept me pressed on the wall, while Big Rick beat the shit out of me. At first, I tried to keep my abs flexed, to absorb some of the blows, but after a while, I just couldn't anymore. When the two guys let go of my arms, I fell on all fours and they started kicking me. I tried covering my head, so they mostly hit me in my midsection.

"Edward?" I heard Bella's horrified scream. "Stop it!" It sounded like she was getting closer.

_No, Bella! Stay away, please… _

It took me a while to realize I wasn't being hit anymore. I tried to open my eyes so I could look at Bella but I couldn't see anything out of my left eye, and I was barely able to peek up at her through a slit in my right eye. One of the guys started walking in her direction. I tried to push myself up with jelly arms but kept landing on my chest. Everything was spinning.

_If they touch her… if they…_

I heard a police car siren and tried to open my eyes again. I saw the guys running away, and I tried to get up again but barely managed to get on my knees and grabbed my stomach with my arm.

"Edward?" Bella was kneeling beside me. "Oh my God! Are you okay?" Her voice sounded frantic as she helped me to sit up.

"You called the police?" I groaned, grabbing my stomach.

"Of course! I saw them from my window. I thought you were going to get mugged or something!"

"Bella," I said, trying to breathe through the pain in my side. "You shouldn't have come outside." I tried to stand up, keeping pressure on my stomach with my hand. It hurt like fucking hell.

"Are you kidding me? What did they want?" Her hands hovered over my face and my body.

"Go back, Bella. Go back home, please." Blood was trickling from my mouth, and I cleaned it with my hand.

"What's going on, Edward? Please, talk to me." Her eyes were filled with tears as she stared at me. I tried to take deeper breaths.

"Bella, listen to me." I paused to regain my breath. I had to lean on the wall to steady myself. Everything was spinning. "I don't want to get you involved. Please, just go back home." I grabbed her hand and implored her. "Please, I have to go. Okay?"

"Are you going to be all right?" Her voice broke at the question. Nothing on my battered body hurt more than my heart for making Bella cry. I rubbed my thumb on her cheek, cupping the side of her face, and catching one of her tears.

"Yes." I didn't think I sounded convincing, but she let me go anyway.

…

Luckily, I was able to take one of the early morning buses home. I didn't think I would be able to walk all the way. I was drained and in so much pain. My head was pounding, I couldn't see well through one eye, and everything hurt inside of me. I wished the night had just been a nightmare that I would wake up from soon.

I opened the door of my house to find Tanya making coffee in the kitchen and Masen half asleep on the couch. As soon as they saw me, they dropped everything they were doing and were at my side at once.

"Are you okay?" Masen asked, concerned.

"Thank God you're back!" Tanya cried, wrapping her arms around me. I stood there until she released me. I dragged my feet to Mandy's room and peeked at her from the door. My baby was there, still peacefully sleeping, the sheets in their usual mess around her legs.

_At least one thing is right with the world._

I dragged myself back to the couch where I collapsed, grabbing my side in pain.

"I see they got to you. You need to listen to me and stick to my plan." Masen was pacing in front of me, running a hand through his hair.

_How did I not recognize him that night he was fucking Tanya?_

"Is it true, Edward? What's going on? You have to tell me! Do we really have to go?" Tanya sat next to me, with a frantic look on her face, and biting her fingernails. She eyed me expectantly, like I had all the answers in the world.

"I- I don't know." I really didn't fucking know. I was still trying to get my head around all of this shit.

"God, you're all battered up! Let me go get something to clean those wounds." Tanya said, rushing to the bathroom. As she left, Masen inched closer.

"Edward, we need to get them out of here. They already know where you live. This is the first place they'd come," Masen said, sitting next to me. "I know it's a lot to deal with, but I need you to snap out of it and trust me."

"Are you fucking kidding me? Do you really think I can trust you?"

"You don't have any other options, bro."

…

Masen was right. I didn't have any options, or any idea on how to get out of this, other than to follow his plan. So we took Tanya and Mandy to her friend's house and left to Masen's place where we took the car I was supposed to trade. We drove to the place he thought we could find the guys we owed, and waited in the car for hours in complete and utter silence.

"C'mon, Edward!" Masen finally broke the ice. "You are going to have to forgive me, man. I'm the only family left you got. Let me just try to explain."

"I don't want to hear it." I had my eyes closed, trying to focus on my breathing. The pain on my side had been increasing exponentially.

"It's not what you think. I love her, man. I am _in love_ with her. And I've been in love with her for a long time."

"Great, congratulations."

_Who the fuck cared anyway?_

I sure as hell did not love Tanya. They could be together for all I care. I would find a new place and take Mandy with me. I could try to be good for Bella, try to earn her respect back. I could start over without any of this shit.

"Remember when you got injured, five years ago?" Masen ran a hand through his hair as he spoke. "Remember how I helped you back then?"

"If by helping you mean getting me addicted to morphine and heroine, then yes, I remember."

"It started back then, man. I didn't plan it."

I stared at him. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"I was sixteen, Masen! I was going to try out for the Sounders for fuck's sake!" Raising my voice did not help with the ache on my side, so I tried to take a deep breath through the blinding pain. "Just shut up, okay?" I couldn't do this shit today. I closed my eyes and tried resting my head back. I really needed to lie down. My head was swimming.

"She didn't plan it either, man. It just happened." Masen kept going as if he didn't hear what I said. "Then you and I got busted… then rehab and jail. I told her to pick one of us when I came out. You stayed clean, but I never could, so she picked you, but I never stopped loving her, dude. I even told her she should pick you. She was pregnant, so… I went away," Masen confessed. I just stayed quiet. I couldn't deal with this shit.

I opened my eyes and looked through the window again, hoping to see some kind of movement inside the house we'd been waiting outside of for what seemed to be an eternity..

"Dude, it's okay. Don't be nervous," Masen said, looking at me.

"It's not okay, Masen. And I'm not nervous. Something's wrong. I don't feel fine." I grabbed my stomach and closed my eyes in pain.

"Let me see," Masen said, lifting up my shirt. My left side was bruised and swollen. "Okay… we need to get you to the doctor… quickly… right after we finish this."

I groaned, pulling my shirt down.

"I think I saw someone!" Masen jumped on his seat. "Okay. I'll go inside, give them their shit, and I'll leave. Then you'll go inside and trade them the car."

"What if they don't want the car?" I asked Masen, worried.

"They're going to."

"Why can't we both go in together? I really don't feel good, Masen." I was trying not to be a pussy, but I wasn't even sure I could walk. Everything inside me felt like it had become loose.

"Just do as I say. It will be all right."

"But what if-"

"I'm going in, okay?" Masen snapped. "When you see me come out, you wait a little bit and go in. Got it?" I just nodded.

Masen got out of the car and walked to the house. I looked at him though my eyes were almost closing. I was exhausted and in pain. I felt like I was about to pass out. I watched Masen go inside the house, so I let my eyes close for a couple seconds.

…

I woke up to Masen screaming as he was running toward the car. "Edward, start the car!" I did as he said and Masen got in. "Go! Go!"

"What happened?" I asked, disconcerted, but I drove away as I saw about eight guys coming out of the house carrying all kinds of guns. They started shooting at the car. They hit the tires, and the car spun.

"Damn it!" Masen was frantic, cursing under his breath. We were surrounded by them, and they were pointing guns at us. I didn't have anything left in me to react.

"Get the hell out of the car!" one of them said, hitting the glass on my window with a gun. I turned off the engine. I had to grab on to the door with one hand and hold my stomach with the other. We both got out of the car.

"Oh, so you were trying to get away, huh?" The guy grabbed me by my shirt and slammed me against the car. When he let me go, my knees gave way, and I just fell to the ground on all fours.

"Where is the other half, Cullen?" I heard another one of them ask Masen. "You better give it to me, unless you want your little brother to die. He also owes us, you know? I guess for you guys it's like a family business."

"Listen, here's the other half." I heard Masen try to reason with them. "And you can take the car as his payment."

"This shitty car? It's not worth twenty grand," I think someone said. I was still on all fours, heaving, trying to find the strength to get up.

"C'mon, you guys. You know the shit he got wasn't worth twenty grand. Ten grand, tops." I heard Masen coming closer, and then he was kneeling next to me, helping me up. "Hang on, okay?" he whispered in my ear as he propped me up. "It was his first deal. Cut him some slack."

"Okay. We'll take the car. You can leave."

"Thank you, I won't mess up anymore." Masen turned around and helped me walk. "See, bro? Everything went fine. I just need you to hang in there a little bit longer, and we'll be at the hospital, okay?" I couldn't answer. I could barely walk.

"Hey, Cullen!" one of the guys called. Masen turned us around, and I stumbled behind him. They were all inside the car. "We are done doing business with you, asshole." the guy driving said as he pointed his gun at Masen and fired.

…

My ears were still ringing when I opened my eyes. The sky was cloudy, but it was still light out. My right shoulder and chest were throbbing. I tried to sit up, but the pain in my midsection was overwhelming, so I just rolled on my side. Masen was lying next to me, not moving.

_Shit…_

I reached out to him with my hand and shook him. "Masen?" He was covered in blood.

I looked around— there was a lot of blood on the ground. Masen had lost a lot of blood, or maybe I had. I used whatever strength I had left and pushed myself up on my hands and knees.

Once I was kneeling, I tried shaking Masen again. "Masen!"

I grabbed my arm— it fucking hurt. There was still blood coming out of what I assumed was a bullet wound on my right shoulder. "Shit!"

I groaned and screamed and tried to get Masen up, but I couldn't. He was too heavy, or I was too weak, or a combination of both. I looked around for help, but there was no one around. Once I saw an ambulance coming, I felt relief and then collapsed on the ground.

…

The room I was in was bright, way too bright. At first, all I could see was white, but then my eyes were able to recognize shapes and forms. Apparently, I was in a hospital handcuffed to the bed.

_Great…_

To say that I was in pain would have been an understatement. I felt like I had been run over by a bus, numerous times. I looked around the room, but there was no one around. Almost immediately, the door opened, and Bella came in. She walked closer to the bed with a small smile on her face. She looked sad and as if she had been crying. I tried to breathe through the truck of guilt pressing on my chest. I opened my mouth, but no sounds came out.

"Don't try to speak. They had to intubate you during surgery." Bella's sweet voice was like music to my ears. Her hand covered mine, and her touch released its full calming force on me. My eyes closed as I breathed in deeply.

_She's here… She's here…_

"It's okay. You are going to be all right," she crooned, running her other hand through my hair behind my ear.

…

Bella was still holding my hand when I woke up. She had her head resting on the edge of the bed, and I could feel her breathing on my arm. I tried to caress her hair, but I was still handcuffed to the bed.

"Shit," I whispered, and she lifted her head. She looked at me with sleepy eyes and smiled. She looked tired. I wondered how long had she been here and if she had gotten any rest.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" She rubbed her thumb on the back of my hand.

"I'm okay," I lied, my eyes fixed on hers. I felt like shit, truly and utterly like shit. "I can't believe you are here." I tried to sit up, but the pain on my side was too much, and I groaned and flopped back down.

Bella ran her fingers on my forearm. "Besides the anesthesia, they have not used any pain killers."

"I can tell," I said through clenched teeth.

"The anesthesia must be wearing off. I explained your situation to them, but they said that when the anesthesia wears off you'll be in a lot of pain, Edward. I don't know." Her voice quavered as she looked worriedly at me.

"Bella, it's okay." Part of me wanted to tell her I'd endure it and I'd be okay, but in reality, I was about ready to give up.

"You had me as your emergency contact. You know, from that time with your knee."

"Yes, um… I'm sorry. You don't really have to be here."

"It's okay."

"How did they find you? I didn't have your number, and you are not listed."

"They recognized the name. Remember I told you my dad works here."

"Oh…"

"Yeah, actually he was the one who performed your surgery. They beat you up so bad they damaged part of your kidney and your liver. You were bleeding internally. He fixed that and also took the bullet out of your shoulder. It didn't hit any bones or major vessels or anything like that. You were lucky."

"Did I get you in trouble? I mean, with your dad?"

"Well, he just wonders how did I get involved with someone who did not only have a bullet in his shoulder, and was nearly beaten up to death, but who is also being prosecuted for possession of heroin and involvement in a public shooting."

I wondered what Bella's father thought of me. I would never be good enough for Bella.

"How's Masen?"

Her eyes started to fill with tears, and I knew— I just knew…

"I'm so sorry, Edward."

"Shit!" I felt helpless. I tried to move, but I was in too much pain. "Goddammit!" I shook in the bed. I was so frustrated. Everything was going to shit. Masen was dead. I was going to jail.

"Edward." Bella wiped her tears and caressed my arm. "Listen, I know it's a lot to deal with, but you don't get to break down, okay? Not right now, not when the police are waiting to talk to you." She grabbed my hand and squeezed it in support.

As much as her touch calmed me, and as much as I wanted her with me, I couldn't take her down this road. I looked at her, and she gave me one of her prettiest, earnest smiles, trying to stay supportive.

I struggled for words, torn between what I wanted— what I needed so badly— and what I knew I had to do. "I- I just can't… I mean, God, Bella! You are amazing. I can't believe you are still here. After everything… I don't know what I ever did to deserve you."

"Edward," she whispered, looking down.

"Do you know what it is to finally know what you want, and have it, right in front of you, knowing that you can't have it."

"What are you talking about? Of course you can have me. You already got me, Edward. I'm here for you."

"I'm not good for you, Bella. I'll never be good enough for you."

"I don't believe that."

"You don't get it, do you? I'm probably going to jail. I'm fucked, Bella. You should stay away from me. I won't make you happy."

"Excuse me." The nurse came in. Bella's eyes were filled with tears, staring at me. "They need to talk to him," the nurse said, pointing to the two policemen who were waiting outside.

"Go home, Bella. Please, just leave. I don't want you here," I said, closing my eyes in pain and also avoiding looking at her. I could feel myself shutting down. Bella left the room, and nothing mattered anymore. The nurse came closer to me and checked my chart and the screen. She was about to open the door and let the policemen in.

"Nurse!" I called.

_Fuck this shit…_

"Yes?" she asked from the door.

"How about those pain killers?"

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

A/N: Thanks for reading!


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything _Twilight_. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to the lovelies mcc101180 & thir13enth from PTB for their beta skills!

A/N: I apologize in advance for any inconsistences with the legal stuff. I tried to make it as true as possible, but do tell me if something doesn't make sense and I will try to fix it.

For the record, I do not condone cheating on your spouse (hey, I am married and all), nor do I support drug dealing or any kind of illegal actions for that matter. This was just a messed up idea for a story that I had in my brain, and it is all fiction.

Also, there is a Fiona Apple's song that describes exactly what I think is going through Bella's mind. I listened to it the whole time writing this chapter. If you haven't heard it, you should, it's awesome! www (.) youtube (.) com/watch?v=HxMUzv5erBc&feature=related

Of course, I don't own any of the lyrics. No infringement intended.

"_So be it, I'm your crowbar, if that's what I am so far_

_Until you get out of this mess,_

_And I will pretend, that I don't know of your sins_

_Until you are ready to confess_

_But all the time, all the time__, __I'll know, I'll know__  
><em>_And you can use my skin, to bury secrets in_

_And I will settle you down_

_And at my own suggestion, I will ask no questions__  
><em>_While I do my thing in the background__  
><em>_But all the time, all the time__, __I'll know, I'll know_

_Baby-I can't help you out, while she's still around_

_So for the time being, I'm being patient_

_And amidst this bitterness_

_If you'll just consider this-even if it don't make sense_

_All the time-give it time_

_And when the crowd becomes your burden_

_And you've early closed your curtains,_

_I'll wait by the backstage door__  
><em>_While you try to find the lines to speak your mind__  
><em>_And pry it open, hoping for an encore__  
><em>_And if it gets too late, for me to wait__  
><em>_For you to find you love me, and tell me so__  
><em>_It's ok, don't need to say it…"_

"_I Know" by Fiona Apple_

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

BPOV

"_Please, just leave. I don't want you here"_ were the last words Edward said to me. And I couldn't lie and say that it didn't hurt. When my dad called me that morning, asking who Edward Cullen was and why was I his emergency contact, I almost lost it. I knew he was in bad shape after those guys beat him up. I was so worried, but he wouldn't let me help him.

At first, my dad would not let me see Edward— another flimsy attempt of appearing to be a protective father figure. But after I reminded him what an absentee father he had been lately, he let it go.

Watching Edward on that hospital bed was heartbreaking. He had been through so much. After his surgery, he started talking in his sleep. He kept saying my name, saying that he would leave Tanya, that he would be good for me. I didn't know if he knew I was there or not, but I never let his hand go anyway. But then, when he finally woke up and learned what had happened, he shut me out again. I cried my heart out when Jacob came to the hospital to pick me up.

I learned from my dad that Edward faced up to five years in prison. He remained in the hospital for a couple days and then was transferred to the local prison until the trial. I didn't know how I would justify this, but I had to go see him. I had to see if he was well. I knew he needed me. Which it was why Jacob drove me to the prison that morning.

"Thanks for driving me here. I know how you feel about him, so I appreciate you doing this for me," I said to Jacob. He had been quiet the whole way.

"There was no way I was letting you come here by yourself." I could see he wasn't happy. He was grabbing the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles were white.

"Thanks."

"I still don't get it, you know?" Jacob started, and I knew very well where he was going.

"Jake, please."

"Seriously, Bella. What do you see in that guy? There's absolutely nothing he could offer you. Bella, he has a kid for fuck's sake! I mean, there's a bond between him and his soon to be ex-wife, or whatever, that's always going to be there."

I knew Jacob was only worried, and truthfully, I hadn't really thought things through. I didn't know what I would do if Edward got a five-year sentence, or if he would stay with his wife if he didn't go to jail. I just knew I didn't want to leave him alone.

"You promised you weren't going to do this," I said, looking down.

"He specifically told you he wants nothing to do with you," Jacob said, rubbing salt into my wounds.

"He was trying to protect me! I think he could use a friend right now. You know? That's all."

"Bullshit, Bella!" Jacob banged his fist on the steering wheel as he stopped the car. "You have fallen for that loser, and he is going to hurt you because you are going to let him."

"You know what? I can take a cab on the way back. I don't have to put up with this. Thanks." I got out of the car, slammed the door, and walked away without looking back.

…

I entered the visiting room and saw Edward sitting at a table. He looked tired. His hair was an exquisite mess as usual. He was wearing an orange jumpsuit, and he was smoking a cigarette. _Was there anything that didn't look good on this man?_ I thought as I approached his table, biting my bottom lip. He hadn't seen me yet.

I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw that a woman was already sitting in front of him. Her hair was blond and long. I couldn't see her face, but I was pretty sure it was his wife— or ex-wife— or whatever. At first he didn't seem happy to see her. I watched them talk for a couple of minutes. She lowered her head, and it looked as if she was crying—she kept wiping her face.

Edward was staying mostly quiet and looking uncomfortable. He started rubbing his hand on his chest, as he usually did when he was anxious or nervous. She grabbed his hand and stood up. He stood up too. Then she got close to him and kissed him. My blood boiled as I turned around and sprinted out of the room. Of course I tripped on a chair which made a horrible noise. I hoped he didn't see me, but I didn't look back to check.

…

"Come on, Bella, say something," Jacob said as we were riding back in his car.

"What do you want me to say, Jacob?" I said tearfully.

"What happened there?"

"She happened! His wife! She was there and they kissed."

"I'm sorry, Bella."

"No, you're not!"

"Damn it, Bella. I am. I am sorry that you are sad," he said, choosing his words carefully.

"I am such an idiot!" I covered my face with my hands.

"Bella, please." He grabbed my shoulder with one hand. "Please, stop crying." His voice sounded strained.

"I'm tired of always being the friend. You're the only person I can trust."

Jacob turned to look at me in surprise. Then he suddenly turned the steering wheel and pulled us over.

"What are you doing?"

He turned the engine off, looking very unsure and nervous. I stared at him confused. "All right, what did you mean by that?" he asked.

"By what?" I said, looking at him in confusion.

"About me being the only one you can trust."

"I think it was self-explanatory."

"You can't keep on doing this to me, Bella." He pressed his fingers to his forehead.

"Doing what?" I was getting annoyed. I just wanted to go home.

"Why did you call me to pick you up?"

"You were the first person that I thought of, Jake."

"What does that mean, Bella?"

"It doesn't mean anything, Jake."

"I can't do this anymore." He breathed deep into his hands which were still palming his face.

"Jake, what are you talking about?" I touched his shoulder softly, not understanding what all of this was about.

"Well, I…" He looked at me again. Without warning, his lips were on mine. It took me by surprise. I could feel his breath coming hard through his nose. As soon as I realized what was happening, I slammed my hands against his chest and pushed him back.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Jacob?" I yelled and pushed him again. "How could you do that? Jacob?" I was fuming. I slammed my hands on his chest again. "Answer me! What were you thinking? What?"

"Wha-uh? I don't know. God, I mean, I—"

"You what?" I shouted in anger.

"Okay, Bella. Calm down. I'm sorry," he said softly, his hands running over the steering wheel.

I ran a hand over my face. What the hell is going on?

Jacob sighed and turned the car on again.

"I didn't even mean it. Okay? I take it back."

"You can't take it back, Jacob!" I said, spitting my words. "It's there. It happened. And it's going to ruin everything!"

"Bella, please, don't be dramatic. It was nothing, okay?"

Jacob started driving again, and I ignored him the rest of the way.

…

A couple of weeks passed, and I had never felt so alone in my life. I avoided everyone at school and only went to the absolutely required classes. The rest of the time I spent home, wallowing. I worked on homework and studied, and at night I watched sappy movies. I didn't have anyone. Mike had Jessica, Angela had Eric, and now I didn't even have Jacob. Jacob, who had been my friend for as long I could remember. And Edward, well, I never really had Edward. I felt so alone.

I thought about him constantly. I couldn't even process how horrible it must be for Edward, and how he could possibly be coping with everything. One night it just clicked. I was able to think straight through the pain. Edward's brother had died. Edward himself had being severely hurt and was going to have to go through recovery without any pain medication. And yes, he had unfinished business with his wife, but he was trying to do the right thing.

I was being silly. I had friends. I was not alone. And even though things weren't going my way, it could definitely be worse.

I was a liar. I always told Edward I would be his friend. But what kind of friend was I being? I decided it that night. I would stop my wallowing and be friends to my friends as I should be. That was the first night I wrote a letter to Edward Cullen.

…

A week later, it was Angela's birthday and we were going to celebrate it at her apartment. I was nervous about Jacob coming to the party, since we hadn't talked since the kiss, but I was determined to get rid of the awkward tension between us. I was the one who opened the door when he arrived.

"Hey, you." I smiled at him.

"Hey," Jacob said coldly and came in.

"Wait a second." I grabbed his arm and pulled him outside. I closed the door behind me and faced him. "I'm not going to let this go on any longer."

"It's okay, Bella." He stared at his feet. He looked hurt and uncomfortable. My heart sank.

"No, it's _not_ okay. Look at us! I hate feeling like this. I don't like this weirdness between us."

"I know. Me either."

"So?"

"What do you want me to say, Bella?" He glanced up from his feet to my eyes.

"Okay, then I'll say it." I took a minute to get my thoughts together. "Well…" I didn't quite know how to say this. "I can't deny there's something— a special vibe— between us. And, although I know it can get confusing, we shouldn't let it get confusing. You know?" He just stared at me.

"Listen, Jake." I came closer to him. "I don't know what that kiss meant. I don't know what your feelings for me are. I don't even know if I want to know! I'm not prepared for something like this. I mean, I wouldn't forgive myself if I hurt you. I care about you so much. These past months you've been my rock, my friend… but…" I trailed off, starting to get teary. I really didn't want to hurt Jacob, but the truth was, I wasn't attracted to him, and it scared me to think that he was to me.

"Bella, I'm sorry, okay? We don't have to do this. It was nothing. Let's not blow this out of proportion by trying to figure everything out." He grabbed my face with both his hands and wiped my tears with his thumbs. "It's okay. It was a mistake. You know I love you, like a sister." His statement was relieving, but somehow it still didn't feel right— he still looked hurt.

"I missed you," I cried, and he hugged me.

"I missed you too, Bella." I had my head on his chest while I controlled my sobs. He took a deep breath and pulled away. Once I had it together, we went back inside.

…

I was standing by the balcony, looking outside. "Hey," Mike said, coming closer.

"Hey, Mike. What's up?"

"What are you doing here by yourself?"

"Nothing, just enjoying the view."

"I know I haven't been around much."

"Mike, don't worry. I'm fine."

"Have you heard anything from the convicted waiter?"

"Hey…"

"I'm sorry," he said with a chuckle.

"I guess he is fine. I don't know really. I've been writing to him." I looked down and ran my finger on the balcony rail.

"You have?"

"Yeah." I peeked at Mike. He was looking at me, surprised.

"Why?"

"I don't know." I shrugged.

"To say goodbye?"

"No, I don't know." I sighed. "I really liked him. I had never been so forward with anyone, and it all backfired. I guess I wanted him to know I'm here for him." I stopped and glanced at Mike. I didn't just like Edward, but I doubted Mike would understand. "I'm sorry. You probably don't want to listen to any of this. I sounded like such a girly girl, right?" Mike just smiled. "It's just that… Angela is kind of starting this new relationship, and so are you, I miss having someone to talk to about things like this."

"What about Jacob?"

"What about him?" I said, turning my back to the balcony and facing the living room.

"You used to talk to him too, right?"

"Well, things are kind of weird between us." I looked at Jacob, who was sitting on the couch talking to a girl.

"Did something happen?"

"No." I looked at Mike. "Did he say something happened?"

"No. Bella, what's going on?"

"Nothing, I'm getting a refill." I walked away before I could continue to put my foot in my mouth. I hoped things with Jacob would get back to normal soon. I really missed my friend.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

EPOV

I was sitting at the table in the visiting room. Several inmates were meeting with their visitors. When the guard came to get me to say I had a visitor, I couldn't help but get my hopes up that it would be Bella. I looked around waiting for her as I smoked a cigarette. When I saw Tanya coming in to ruin my life a little more, I got tense at once and was about to look for the guard to get me out of there.

"Hello, Edward." Tanya looked like shit. Her eyes were puffy and red, probably grieving about Masen. She sat in front of me and clasped her hands over the table.

"What are you doing here, Tanya?" I was probably being too hard on her, but I didn't care anymore.

"I'm so sorry, Edward. I am, for everything." She attempted to grab my hand, but I pulled both my hands under the table.

"How's Mandy?"

"She's doing well, considering. She misses you."

I swallowed hard through the lump in my throat. I missed Mandy so much.

_My baby girl_.

Except she wasn't _my_ baby girl.

Before I was released from the hospital, Tanya had come to see me. She was a crying, blubbering mess while she confessed how Mandy was most likely Masen's daughter and not mine. She said she wasn't sure, because she was sleeping with both of us at the time, like someone out of _The Maury Show_, but through some calculation I didn't care enough to understand, he was most likely her father.

"Edward, I'm leaving. I just wanted you to know the truth, from me." I stayed quiet as she spoke. "I loved him, Edward. I'm sorry but I did. I couldn't help it. I never stopped loving him," she said with tears in her eyes. "But he didn't get better. He wouldn't stop using. What kind of father would that be for my daughter? Huh? Tell me." She wiped her tears from her face. Amanda wasn't even my daughter. I had no one. "I was only thinking of Amanda when I chose you. And I was right, you have done so much for us, baby, really. I don't know how to thank you."

"I'm no better than Masen," I said, lowering my head.

"I'm so sorry, Edward," she sobbed. "I'm moving in with my mom and my sister in California. I can't stay here. I testified on your behalf, and they are reopening your case." She stood up, wiping more tears off her face. I stood up as well, and she came closer and gave me a soft kiss on the lips. She backed off before I could push her away. "We will be fine, okay? My mom will be able to help with Mandy. Don't you worry, okay? Just focus on staying sane and in one piece in here." I wasn't in shock anymore. I didn't care anymore. "Goodbye, Edward."

Tanya left and I sat down again and lit up a cigarette. I was waiting for the guard to come take me away, when a loud sound distracted me. I looked up and saw Bella getting up, from having just run into a chair. She stormed out of the room without looking back.

Bella was here. Bella had come. Bella had seen me with Tanya. I stood up to follow her, when the guard grabbed me by both arms. I was about to struggle with the guy, to beg to let me go after her, but then desisted. Who was I kidding? I was better on my own.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

A/N: I know! I'm sorry! I'm horrible!


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything _Twilight_. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to the lovelies mcc101180 & thir13enth from PTB for their beta skills!

A/N: This is NOT a Bella/Jacob story, but if you dislike Jacob you might want to skip the next chapter or two… just sayin'

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

JPOV

I don't know when exactly my feelings for Bella changed. I mean, I'd always disliked the assholes she dated, but they were all douche bags, so I didn't think much of it. I truly never thought I was jealous. She had always been just my friend. I would tell her about the girls I fucked— all the time.

I think what did it was when she told me she had slept with the fucking waiter. Something inside of me clicked that morning, and I had never been so angry in my life. Watching her fall for that loser was slowly killing me. Even Mike noticed, but I just denied it. Watching her cry for him was like pouring acid on my eyes.

That day after I drove her to the prison, to visit the asshole in question, I lost it and kissed her. She was so pissed. I had never seen her like that. And then everything went to hell, because clearly she only sees me as a friend. So I did what I should have done since the beginning: buried everything inside of me and pretended it never happened.

So even though she was sitting next to me, in the backseat of Mike's car—wearing a short blue skirt that showed half of her thighs—I was deeply focused on the headrest of the front seat. We were driving up to spend the weekend at Bella's dad's beach apartment.

When we finally arrived, we started getting everything out of the car. The apartment was on the second floor of the building, and as there was no elevator, Mike, Eric and I were carrying most of the stuff inside. Of course Bella, being Bella, wanted none of that, and she insisted on carrying her own bag, but she was clearly struggling.

"Need any help with that?" I wasn't as successful at not looking at her legs as she was going up the stairs in front of me.

"No, thanks." She helped herself with her knee to get a better grip of the bag.

"Bella—" Eric attempted to help her too, but I didn't let him finish.

"Don't even bother; she's blinded by the feminist ego."

"Shut up. You're so sexist." She kept walking upstairs, and I chuckled quietly.

…

Once Bella and I had made it up the stairs with our stuff, my cell buzzed (with a text) in my pants. I took it out and saw that it was Leah, a girl I'd met at Angela's birthday party. I typed out a reply, a smile plastered on my face, and put my cell back in my pocket

"Who was it?" Bella asked curiously.

"No one."

"_No one_'s been bothering you all day," she said, referring to the few messages I'd received on the way here.

"Actually, it was Leah. Remember the girl we met at Angela's party?"

"So, are you guys besties now or what?" Bella said, looking at me.

"She's OK, Bella." I smiled.

"Okay, cool."

"Actually, she's pretty nice and fun to hang out with." _And she is hot_, I felt like saying but didn't.

"I said okay," Bella said, leaving the room in a huff.

…

That night we decided to barbecue outside.

"You're going to get sick if you keep eating like that," Bella said, looking at me.

"It's just too good." I took a sip from my beer and dried my mouth with my hand; I was being gross on purpose. "Plus, I'm big. I need food." I continued to eat.

"If you say so…" She received a text message then and smiled at the screen. My eyes were on her as I took another bite. After firing off a quick reply, she turned around and walked across the street, to the fucking coyote who was standing there like the loser he is.

"I'm done," I said, dropping the fork on my plate.

"I'll be right back, guys," Bella yelled from the sidewalk and left with James.

The chair made an awful noise as I stood up harshly. I made my way to the cooler, where I filled my glass with ice and topped it off with a hefty amount of rum. There was no way I wasn't getting wasted tonight; I needed to.

"Are you okay?" Jessica, who was sitting next to the cooler, asked me.

"Yeah," I said, grabbing my cell phone and walking away. I called Leah, and we talked for almost an hour, distracting me from the fact that Bella was out there with the coyote.

A couple of hours later, when Bella came back, Mike and I had already taken pretty much everything back to the apartment. All that was left were a couple of chairs, the table and the cooler. Everyone else had already gone up, so I sat there alone, listening to the music, with the almost empty bottle of rum clutched in one hand.

"Hey," Bella said, coming closer. "Did everybody leave?"

"Um…" I tried to sit back up. "Mike and Jessica went to bed, and I don't know where Eric is." I stood up and stumbled my way to the cooler to refill my glass with ice. When did I get so dizzy?

"I saw him. He's at the pool. He ran into a friend of his."

"Were you at the pool too?" I stumbled my way back to the chair and lowered myself on it.

"Yeah." She sat down beside me.

"Are you staying here?"

"I thought I'd keep you company." She looked at me. "Unless you want me to go."

"No. You're okay."

"I'm okay, huh?" She stood up, grabbed a glass, filled it with ice, and took the bottle of rum from my hand.

"Hey," I complained.

We stayed outside drinking and talking for hours.

"I gotta pee," she said and stood up. My eyes followed her as she went inside.

"We should take all of this inside before we get drunker and lazier," Bella said as she came back outside.

I was trying to stand up, but my knees buckled and I had to hold on to the car. My head was spinning, and my stomach was turning; I might have had too much to drink.

"Are you okay?" Bella came closer and took the glass from me. I was breathing heavily, trying to keep the vomit from coming. "Want to go to bed?" She caressed my back. "I'll take this inside, and we'll go to bed, okay?" she said. "Jake?"

_Jesus Fucking Christ, give me a fucking minute!_

I didn't think I could speak without hurling.

She moved away from me and started picking up the mess.

"Wait. I'll help you… just wait a second," I managed to say between deep breaths as I rubbed my eyes with my fingers.

Of course Bella, being Bella, would do the exact opposite and drive me insane. "Don't worry about it." She picked up the cooler. It was heavy, so she was struggling with it and dragging it to the apartment.

"Bella, wait, please." She kept going. "Damn it!" I managed to follow her, grab the cooler from her, and take it to the apartment. She went back and started cleaning the table. When I made it back down, I had to sit with my head in my hands because everything was spinning.

"Jake?" I didn't answer, so she kept cleaning.

"Bella, stop. Please. I said I'll do it, but in a little bit, please?"

"Jake, relax." She folded the table and carried it to the apartment.

I stood up to follow her again, but I moved too fast, and all the contents of my stomach threatened to shoot out of my mouth. I barely made it to the back of the car, and I held onto the trunk as I heaved. After a couple minutes, I was still holding on to the car, and I felt Bella's hand on my back. "Feel better?" She handed me some paper towels so I could clean myself.

After taking the rest of the furniture upstairs, we finally went to the bedroom. I landed on the bed, exhausted and still not feeling well. One look at Bella on the other bed was enough to know she was not going to fall sleep anytime soon— she was bouncing her leg and wiggling her toes, driving me crazy.

I closed my eyes and tried to get some rest, but before I could fall asleep, I heard Bella get up from her bed.

"Where are you going?" I opened my eyes as she was sneaking out of the room.

"I'm not sleepy. I'm gonna take a walk. Go back to sleep." She waved a hand at me dismissively from the door.

I wanted to go with her, but I just couldn't get up. I was tired and not feeling good, plus she was probably going to hang out with the fucking coyote, so I decided to just stay in bed.

…

When I opened my eyes, the bedroom was still dark. I could make out Bella's silhouette arranging a sleeping bag on the floor.

"What are you doing?" I was cranky as hell, so my voice came out in a harsh whisper.

"Shhh… they're sleeping," she whispered.

"Who is that?" I said, sitting up, pointing to the half-naked guy sleeping on her bed.

"I guess Eric's friend who crashed here."

"On your bed?" I stood up, still dizzy.

"I guess…" Bella shrugged.

"While you sleep on the floor? C'mon!" I started to get angry. "Eric? Eric!" I shook Eric who was sleeping on top of the bunk bed. Eric just babbled something without moving. "Eric!"

"Jake…" Bella grabbed my arm as I was still shaking Eric. "It's almost five in the morning. Let them sleep. I don't care."

I sighed in frustration, dropping my hand from Eric's shoulder. "Take my bed. I'll sleep on the floor."

"Are you kidding me?" She smiled, looking up at me. "You won't fit in my sleeping bag. It's too small." She grabbed my arm and pulled me away from Eric. "Just go back to sleep. It's okay. I don't mind."

"Why do you have to make everything so difficult?"

"What?"

"Just get in the bed!" I snatched the sleeping bag from her hand, and she sat on the bed with a sigh. I could feel her eyes on me as I struggled to fit in the sleeping bag. I gave up and just zipped it closed and lay on top of it.

"Jake?"

"What?" I snapped, frustrated.

"We could just share this bed. Really, the floor must be uncomfortable."

"Are you sure?" I propped myself up on my elbows and looked at her.

"Sure! Come here." She scooted over, making room for me. I lay down beside her, and she covered me with the blanket. "Much better, huh?" She lay on her side, facing me.

I stared at the ceiling as she put her arm around my chest and closed her eyes. In a few minutes, she was sound asleep, and I could feel her breathing on my shoulder. It was killing me. I knew I wouldn't get any sleep with her there, but I stayed anyway. There was nowhere else I'd rather be.

…

When the sun started to come in through the window, Bella started squirming. Soon after that, she opened her eyes and looked at me. "Good morning," she said, smiling. "You're awake already."

"Yeah," I said, turning around. "Good morning." I stood up and left.

I needed to get some space. I had spent the whole night looking at Bella, feeling her breathing on my shoulder, her warmth on my side. Seeing her smile like that, like she was happy I was lying next to here, was too much, when I knew that in reality it was only a smile a friend gives to another.

…

We all went to the beach later that day. Mike, Eric and I were going to surf, Bella wanted to learn, and Jessica was going to watch.

"Do you need help with that?" I asked Bella. She was having trouble trying to reach the end of the board with her hand to carry it under her arm.

"You know what I think?" she groaned in frustration, dropping the board to the ground. "I think you've got issues with women carrying their own stuff."

"Forget it, Bella. I was just trying to help you."

"Do you consider all women to be incapacitated?"

"Yes, Bella. That's exactly it."

"I can carry my own damn board." She dragged the board through the sand.

"You're going to ruin it!" I walked past her and got in the water. Once I was inside, I looked over to see how she was doing and saw that James had intercepted her and was now carrying her board. "I can't believe this!" I said as I saw how James was teaching her how to surf.

I tried my best not to glare at them and just focused on surfing.

A couple hours later, I was still in the water. Eric and Mike had gotten out of the water to eat something and take a break. But since the asshole coyote was still with Bella, I decided to stay in the water. Eric got back in the water as I was sitting on top of my board, staring at Bella and James taking a walk.

Eric paddled on his board closer to me. "Dude, are you okay?"

"I'm great."

"You look terrible."

"I'm just tired, that's all. I didn't get much sleep last night."

"Yeah, I bet that's it," Eric said sarcastically.

"I hate feeling like this! I hate it. I really do," I finally said. "I hate him, and I hate her for making me feel like this."

"Man, but you're not doing anything to make it happen. It was about time somebody did."

I looked at Eric and lay on my stomach on top of the board. "It's never gonna happen."

"Does she even know how you feel?" Eric asked, but I paddled away.

It was almost four in the afternoon, and I was still in the water. My legs and arms were sore from swimming. I saw the fucking coyote finally leave with his friends, and Mike and Jessica went for a walk, so Bella was left alone, lying on her towel on the sand. I came out of the water and sat next to her.

"Hey!" She gazed at me, shading her eyes from the sun with her hand. "Look who decided to finally come out of the water."

"What were you trying to do?" I stared at the sea, seething.

"You must be starving." She reached for the sandwiches and handed one to me.

"Bella, I'm serious." I turned to look at her.

"What?" She seemed confused, the sandwich still in her hand.

"I just… I don't understand why you do it. Why do you put yourself through this shit?"

"What shit?"

"His shit!"

"Oh, Jake, c'mon! Are we really going to fight about him again? Who'd you expect me to hang out with? You were in the water the whole time! What's wrong with trying to be friends with him?"

"Friends? Yeah right."

"Well, try to understand it because that's all it is."

"The only reason I stayed in the water was so I didn't get into a fight with him. I know how you feel about me fighting. I just hate that guy! I hate him. I really do. I fucking hate him." I made emphasis with my fingers on my chest.

"Well, he's a part of me, so you sort of hate me too." I glanced back at her again and stood up.

"I can't believe you just said that."

"I'm sorry, Jake. But it's true." She stood up too and faced me with her arms crossed.

"I… um… I don't know how you do it. Really… you have this ability to push all the right buttons to drive me crazy." I rubbed my temple with my fingers, struggling for words.

"Jake…"

"I'm sorry. I just… I need to go break something." I grabbed my board and headed back to the water.

"Jake," I heard her call behind me. "Jake, please wait." She grabbed my arm. "Please, don't go."

"Bella, I…" I trailed off and had to clear my throat, looking down. "I can't deal with this. I'm sorry. I just can't."

"I don't like fighting like this with you," she started. "I mean, I love our regular everyday fights. Those are fun. I have to admit it— I like them." My eyes were glued on hers. "But these kinds of fights, the ones that make you put that face…" She pointed. "And make me feel like I'm hurting you, I don't like these ones at all."

"Bella…"

"No, Jake. It's true. I care about you, so much! I don't even know what to do with it."

"I…" I started, but she interrupted me again.

"I need you. I need you to be my friend, and try to put up with me, even when I say stuff that hurts you…"

"Bella, I…"

"Or when I like someone you don't."

"I'm trying, you have no idea."

"Okay, good." She smiled and grabbed my hand. "Now, let's go back to the towel so you can eat something."

I complied with her request, but I couldn't hide my frustration. My feelings for her were getting harder and harder to keep bottled up. I wanted to tell her how I felt, so bad, but I just gave up and lay on the towel next to her. I was so tired, and not just physically. I was tired of being angry. Tired of not being able to tell her how I felt. Tired of feeling like this.

"Jake?"

"Hmmmm?"

"We should go cliff-diving like that other time. Since we're here."

I opened my eyes and looked at her. "Bella, I'm tired. Let me rest for a bit."

"Aww… c'mon!"

"I didn't get much sleep last night." I sat up when it became obvious she wasn't going to let me sleep.

"Why not?"

"Because you snore," I teased her.

"I DO NOT!" she snapped back, offended.

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't. Many people say I am awesome to sleep with! I hardly ever move, I don't take up much space, and I _do not_ snore!"

"Okay." I kept smiling. "If you say so."

"Can we please go?" She stood up and grabbed my hand, looking at me with puppy dog eyes.

"No." I refused to stand up.

"Jake, pleeeeeeease," she whined.

"Bella, it's late. We should get going."

"It's not late, grandpa. We never do fun stuff together anymore."

"That's not true." I gave up and stood up.

…

Bella and I walked to the cliff on the other side of the beach. It was a bit far away, but we had done it plenty of times, and we knew the way there.

"I love this place," Bella said, jumping in first. I looked at her, feeling good about pleasing her, and jumped in after.

"I think this is one of my favorite places." She smiled at me as we swam to hold onto a rock. When she turned to look at me, her smile disappeared, replaced with a concerned look. "You do look tired. Did I really keep you up with my snoring?" she asked, embarrassed.

"I was kidding, you silly." She gasped and splashed me. "Hey… so what do you want to do now?"

"Let's jump again, and then we can go back if you want to."

"Go ahead. I'll wait for you here."

"Okay."

I'd been trying—really trying, the whole fucking day—not to look at her, and the way her body looked in that green bikini. But my eyes just wouldn't obey anymore, and as she pulled herself out of the water, my traitor eyes traced the way the water ran down her body outlining her figure. I was glad I stayed in the water, so I could rearrange myself in my shorts.

Bella jumped a couple more times before we headed back. The whole night without sleeping, plus the whole day surfing, was starting to gain up on me, and by the time we made it back to the apartment, I was shattered.

It seemed like Bella was tired too since she agreed to go to sleep soon after we had dinner. Eric's friend was crashing with us again, so when I got back from the bathroom, Bella was already on my bed. I sat on the edge of the bed and grabbed my neck. My neck and back were screaming at me to lie down.

"Come here and get some sleep." Bella scooted over, and I got in next to her. "I promise I won't snore," she said, making me smile. As soon as my head touched the pillow, I fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning cuddling Bella. I was pretty sure she was asleep, so I allowed myself a moment to smell her hair and caress her shoulder softly. I stood up, looked at her and decided it right there. This needed to stop. I needed to back off a bit. It was too painful to be such close friends with her when I wanted to be so much more. Nothing would ever happen between us so I might as well move on.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

A/N: I know… no news on Edward yet, but don't worry, he will be back!

How much do you hate that Bella wants to stay friends with James? Do you try to stay friends with exes?


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything _Twilight_. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to the lovelies mcc101180 & thir13enth from PTB for their beta skills!

A/N: As I said last chapter, this is NOT a Bella/Jacob story, but if you dislike Jacob you might want to skip this one too.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

BPOV

I woke up with Jacob holding me from behind, and I didn't want to get up. Jacob's breathing on my neck, his arms around me, felt… good— safe. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and pressed my back closer to his chest. My eyes shot open as I felt more of Jacob than I wanted to. His breathing changed, and I felt him lift his head. I closed my eyes, hoping he wouldn't know I was awake. And then it happened, Jake deliberately smelled the hair behind my neck and caressed my shoulder. He sighed and, with a grunt, moved his wood away from me, getting up from the bed. When he left the room, the bed suddenly felt cold and not as comfy anymore.

_What the hell is wrong with me? This is Jacob! Jake! _

I tried to clear my head.

_Guys get morning wood all the time, right? Right? _

I had been avoiding thinking about how Jacob felt about me. Mainly because I only saw him as a friend. Did he feel something for me? Could I feel different about him? I wanted him to stay in bed and hold me longer. Does that mean I want something more? This was the first time I even considered thinking of him as anything more than my friend.

Ever since he kissed me, I remembered feeling pissed, like he took advantage of our friendship, like it ruined everything. But I never stopped to think how I could possibly feel about him. I knew I wanted Jake in my life, as a friend. I couldn't really feel anything different for him. I was hopelessly in love with Edward. Were Edward's feelings for completely platonic? Was he ever going to be able to be with me? Edward hadn't answered any of my letters. Should I try to get over him? Was he over me? Scratch that… was he ever even into me?

The weekend ended in a blur. I was caught up in my head with all these thoughts about Edward and Jacob. I kept writing to Edward but still received no response. Two weeks went by and I barely saw Jacob. Whenever I saw him at school, he was distant and avoided me. It was pissing me off.

On Saturday, Mike said he talked to Jacob and agreed to hang out at Earl's. I couldn't deny I was excited to see him. I missed my friends. Mike, Jessica, Angela, Eric and I were sitting at a table at Earl's when Jacob arrived, holding hands with a girl. She was tall and tan, with short dark hair.

"Hi, guys. Remember Leah?" Jacob said. Leah waved at us with a shy smile as Jacob got chairs for them. I remembered Leah; she was that girl from Angela's birthday party. Jacob acknowledged me with the tiniest of grins and a slight nod.

A couple hours later, we were at Mike's place. Jacob was by himself on the balcony so I walked to him.

"Hey, stranger." I smiled, standing beside him and looking outside.

"What's up, Bella?" He straightened his back, looking at me.

"Not much. I see you brought your new friend," I said, cutting to the chase.

"Yeah, I'll introduce you guys when she comes back from the bathroom."

"So, what's she like?"

"She's cool."

"Cool? How many nights, J?" I taunted. He always referred to girls as the number of nights it would take him to sleep with.

"Actually, I don't know… she's not like that."

"You haven't slept with her?" I said in shock. That was not Jacob-like.

"Nope," he said, and he seemed proud of it. I looked at him, realizing he felt different about this girl. And I might just be the most selfish bitch in the world, but it was bothering me.

"Oh… well, um…" I was speechless.

"It's okay, Bella. You always said I'd get tired of meaningless sex. I guess that day has come."

"Oh, really?" _Great…_

"Yeah," he said, smiling as he looked at Leah who was coming to us.

"Well, that's great, Jake." I faked a smile, patting him on the shoulder. "I'll talk to you later." I nervously walked away before he could introduced me to her.

I got hammered that night, but thanks to Mike, I stayed out of trouble. I was behaving pretty well, unusually well. I was sitting on one of the couches, without talking to anyone, or actually doing anything —just sitting there.

"Hey, are you okay?" Mike asked, sitting beside me.

"Hi!" I smiled.

"Do you want me to take you home?"

"What do you think about her?"

"About whom?" He pretended he didn't know who I was talking about.

"Do you think she'll be good for him?"

"Bella, let me take you home."

"I don't like her." I crossed my arms over my chest and I think I pouted. "She's too tall."

"Okay now, I'll get you some water." Mike left, so I closed my eyes and laid my head back.

…

"I'm going that way anyway," I heard Jacob say. I either had my eyes closed or everything was very dark. I wasn't sure.

"Are you sure?" Mike asked, and it sounded like he was still sitting next to me.

"Yes, it's fine," Jake said. "Bella?" I felt someone touch my shoulder. My eyes fluttered opened and I tried to focus my vision on his face. "C'mon, I'm taking you home." Jacob didn't smile when I looked at him.

I stood up to follow him, trying not to stumble on anything. I walked quietly to the car, behind Jacob and Leah, a bit out of it. Once in the backseat, I noticed how Jacob was holding Leah's hand— it made me want to throw up.

"I'm going to take you home first. I might have to get her inside and everything, and I don't want you to be waiting in the car," I heard Jacob say.

"Oh, okay," Leah said. I think I fell asleep after that.

…

A cold gust of wind woke me up.

"Bella?" Jake's voice came from outside the car. "C'mon, we're here." He sounded… annoyed?

"Just leave me here, please." I was afraid to get up— everything was spinning.

"Bella, you are in my car."

"I'm not moving."

"Fine," Jacob said and then I felt his hands come under my arms as he pulled me out of the car and picked me up.

"Hey!" I complained but couldn't refuse too much. I clasped my lips shut, afraid I might hurl all over him. He carried me inside and to my bedroom. Then he put me down on my bed and took my shoes off. After covering me with the quilt, he brushed my hair back behind my ear. I closed my eyes and heard him walk to the door.

"Jake?" I called, peeking at him.

"Yes?" He turned around and stayed by the door. I sat up on my bed too fast and everything spun. "Are you okay?" Jake was suddenly sitting on the edge of the bed. I nodded at him and smiled. "I got to go, Bella." He looked down.

"Why?"

"Because…"

"Why don't you want to hang out with me anymore?"

"Bella—"

"I haven't seen you in a while. Did I do something wrong?"

"No, Bella. You haven't done anything wrong. It's just that I've been busy." Jake caressed the side of my face.

"Well, I've been missing you." He looked at me with a troubled expression and dropped his hand.

"Bella…"

"Can you stay for a bit?" I scooted over, making room for him.

"I can't," Jacob said, looking down.

"Why not?"

"Because, Bella, I don't think my girlfriend would like that."

"Your girlfriend?"

"Yes."

"She's your girlfriend?" I couldn't hide the questioning tone in my voice. Jacob had never had a serious girlfriend.

"Yeah." He turned his gaze back at me. "And you thought I wasn't going to change."

"That's good." I wanted to tell him I was happy for him, but somehow I felt like crying.

"I better let you get some sleep."

"Okay," I said as he stood up from the bed. "Bye."

"Bye," he said and with a sigh, turned around, and left.

I covered my face with my pillow and started crying.

_Why the hell am I crying?_

I couldn't really understand what I was feeling. I was both angry and sad. I knew this would change things between Jacob and me. Could I really be jealous of Leah? Was I such a bad friend? Why couldn't I be happy that Jacob found someone?

_I am the most selfish bitch on this planet!_

…

The weeks passed and I focused on school. I really had nothing else to focus on. Everyone had their own things going on, and I was tired of always being the third wheel. I wrote to Edward twice a week. I told him about school and some of the classes I loved. I asked him how he was doing, but I never received any answers from him. I even checked with the post office to make sure the letters were delivered.

There was no doubt in my mind that I loved Edward. If life was easier, we would be together. But life was not easier, not his at least. He was married, and his wife and daughter were very much part of his life. Maybe he didn't answer my letters out of respect for them…

I really hadn't thought about Jacob much, at least nothing else but that I missed him. I didn't understand why it had to be either confusingly close or distantly far with him. He was in a relationship now, and I needed to be happy for him. After that trip to the beach apartment, I decided not to think about Jacob that way. It was just too weird.

I was doing well until the day Jessica came by my house. I was surprised to see her there— it wasn't like we were friends. In my eyes, she was just Mike's girlfriend.

"C'mon, Bella. This needs to stop," Jessica said, sitting on my couch. "Why haven't you been hanging out with us?"

"I've been busy with school, all right?" I said defensively. She had a point though— it was seven at night on a Friday and I was already in my pajamas.

"I know that's not it. Everyone misses you." I decided not to comment on that. I knew it wasn't true, but saying it wouldn't help my case. "Did something happen between you and Jacob?" Jessica arched one eyebrow as she spoke.

"What?" Her question took me by surprise.

"Listen, I'm just going to say what everyone knows already." She crossed her legs. "Jacob is in love with you. Leah was out of town, and when he came to Eric's party last week, all he did was ask about you and give Mike shit for not hanging out with you anymore," she said.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because, Bella, if you are smart, you would stop fantasizing about that felon and realize what you've had in front of you all this time."

"Listen, Jessica, I don't appreciate you coming here and—" I started to get upset. In one sentence, Jessica managed to insult my intellect and my Edward.

_My Edward?_

_Jesus, I am screwed._

"I know…" she interrupted me. "But no one else will, so… there. We are going to Earl's tonight." Jessica stood up and grabbed her purse. "Maybe you can make it?"

Jacob was in love with me? Was he not happy with Leah then?

I stared at the door after Jessica left. Was I being an idiot pining after Edward who clearly didn't give a shit about me? I turned around and realized my life was pretty pathetic. I looked at the Bridget Jones DVD which was my plan for the evening and sighed. This needed to stop. I had to get over Edward.

…

I decided, against my better judgment, to go to Earl's and meet my friends. I'd had spent every night for the past month in my pajamas, so I figured it would be nice to dress up for a change. I ended up wearing a black skirt, a green tank top, and my black Chucks, with my hair down.

No one was at the bar when I arrived, so I ended up sitting there by myself, which was clearly not a good idea. The bartender came, and I ordered a drink, and immediately thought of Edward. This new bartender didn't look half as good as Edward did with his vest and skinny tie.

I started drinking, and by the time Jacob showed up, I had already had two vodkas.

"Where's everybody?" Jacob asked as soon as he saw me.

"Hi, Jake."

"Sorry. Hi," he said and looked at me. "Where's everybody?" he asked again, looking around. I just shrugged my shoulders. This had "set up" written all over it. I was pretty sure no one else was going to show up tonight.

_Damn Jessica._

I turned around and ordered another vodka while Jacob stood beside me, looking around uncomfortably, probably considering leaving me here. I sipped from my drink and eyed him carefully; he really did look like he didn't want to be here. What happened to us? We used to be so comfortable together. We used to go everywhere together, just the two of us.

"I want to dance," I said, getting off my chair. I was tipsy already and tripped, but Jacob caught me by my arm. I couldn't help but notice how Jake's touch on my arm did not spark with electricity like Edward's had. I closed my eyes and tried to push all thoughts of Edward away.

Jacob humored me by dancing, even though I knew he didn't like to. I remembered the time Edward danced with me while he was working. _Shit…_ The vodka was clearly not helping. I closed my eyes but couldn't help the images and feelings from that night. How Edward had his hand on the small of my back as we swayed to the music. How I rested my head on his chest and felt how fast he was breathing. Next thing I knew, when I opened my eyes, I was really close to Jacob, resting my head on _his_ chest. I freaked out and stopped moving. I looked up to Jacob and he seemed confused too, like he was caught up in the moment.

"Bella," he started, but I just walked away.

I stopped at a corner, away from the dance floor. He followed me and stood in front on me.

"I'm sorry," I said, getting teary. I was a nutcase.

"What's going on?" he said, grabbing my face.

His touch did not ignite sparks on my cheek, but he was my friend. He had always been there for me. Jessica had said he was in love with me. Could I fall in love with Jacob? It would be easy to be with him. He was great. And I did get jealous about Leah. Would that be enough?

"I think… I might have feelings for you, Jake," I blurted out, and he just froze and his hand dropped my face.

_Now why did I go and say that?_

A couple of seconds went by and we just stood there. "Jake?" I said, tentatively touching his hand.

"Want to get another drink?" he asked nervously, pretending nothing happened.

We walked back to the bar, and after he ordered he drank his drink in one gulp. Seeing that I didn't take mine, he chugged that one too.

When Jacob looked at me, I couldn't read the expression on his face. He took my hand and dragged me back to the dance floor. We kept on dancing without saying anything else.

_This is so wrong._

I had to close my eyes again, fighting hard the need to cry. But every time I closed my eyes, I saw Edward. Edward and his green eyes. Edward wearing his soccer uniform. Edward kissing me in the elevator at the hospital. And then it happened. I felt Jacob's lips on mine, and I was kissing him back.

"I'm sorry," he said, panting, once he broke the kiss.

He took my hand and dragged me outside. But you see, outside also reminded me of Edward, and the many times I sat out there with him while he smoked. I felt sick.

"Bella, I can't do this," Jacob started. "I… I'm with someone!"

"I know…"

"I like being with her…"

I didn't know what to say. My eyes were getting teary again.

"Bella, I'm sorry." He sat beside me and grabbed my hand. I should be the one apologizing. I looked at him. "I… um… I… um—" He cleared his throat. "We need to go. I— I need to go. You're driving me crazy. Please."

"Okay," I said and let go of his hand.

He took me home and neither of us said anything else on the way there. When we arrived to my place, I opened the door and looked at him. He was staring at the window, avoiding me. "Jake, don't you want to talk?" I said, without getting out of the car. He didn't answer, so I got out, closed the door, and walked quickly to my front door, trying to avoid getting drenched by the rain pelting from the dark sky.

"Why now?" he yelled from the car.

"What?" I turned around and saw him walk around his car.

"Why now?" He came closer. "Now that I'm with someone, you finally decide you have feelings for me?"

"I don't know, Jake… I…"

"Do you think that's fair?" He was clearly upset.

"No, it's not. I'm sorry." I was such a screw-up.

"Damn it, Bella!" He sat on my front steps and I dropped next to him.

"Jake, I'm so sorry." I grabbed his hand, feeling so confused.

"Bella, I can't do this."

"Okay…" I rubbed my thumb on his hand. "It's okay."

"No, it's not." He let go of my hand and put his head between his.

"Maybe I shouldn't have said anything." This was clearly a mistake.

"Maybe I should have said something before."

"Before what?"

"Before…" He lifted his head. "I should go, Bella." He looked into my eyes. "You need to go inside; you're getting all wet."

"I don't care." I needed to do this. I needed to see if we had a chance.

"I really can't do this."

"Fine." I stood up. He stood up after me and walked to his car. He turned around and looked at me. I had my arms crossed as I was crying, still standing under the rain.

"You are not going to make this easy for me, are you?"

"I don't want you to go, Jake." I missed him so much. Was it so wrong to want him near and just that?

"Bella, c'mon!"

"What?" I raised my voice but he looked down without answering. "Why don't you tell me how you feel?" The words left my mouth before I could stop them. God, I was such a bitch.

"I can't, okay?"

"Why not?"

"I just can't! I'm going to go, Bella. I've got a lot to think about. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Okay, fine!" I turned around and went inside.

I peeked through the window and saw that Jacob got in his car but didn't leave. With a sigh, I went out again and walked to the car. After I tapped on the window, he looked up to me and rolled it down.

"Hey," I said with a weak smile and tears still in my eyes.

He remained quiet, looking at me. "Jake, it's cold. Why don't we go inside?" I hugged my arms around my waist, trying to keep from trembling.

"I love you," Jake said, turning his gaze away from me. "I've been in love with you for a long time, Bella." He cleared his throat. "Which is exactly why we can't do this." He took a deep breath before speaking again. "I need to go. Please, just let me go."

"But I don't want you to go," I cried.

Jacob was in love with me. Jessica had been right.

"Bella, please, don't make this harder."

"I'm sorry," I said, letting go of the car door. He started the car and left without saying anything else.

I stared at Jake's taillights until he disappeared down the street.

I sank into the sidewalk and cried my heart out, letting the rain wash away my tears.

Why couldn't I stop thinking about Edward? Why did I have to do this to Jacob? Why couldn't I love Jacob back? I had no excuse! I didn't need to confuse Jacob like I was. I didn't know why I felt like I needed to know he loved me. So what? It didn't change anything. And of course I loved him, as a friend, but I think tonight was proof I couldn't see him in any other way. It was wrong to try to force it out of me. I had to apologize to Jacob.

_What have I done?_

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

A/N: Do you get why Bella gets jealous? Have you ever been jealous of a friend who you are not romantically involved with?

This chapter was a tough one to write. I hope Bella's inner ramblings made sense.

I pinky swear we will hear from Edward next chapter!


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything _Twilight_. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to the lovelies mcc101180 & thir13enth from PTB for their beta skills!

A/N: Who is ready for some Edward?

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

BPOV

I was walking through the park, heading back home from the library. I liked to walk and use the time to think. I had seriously messed up last night. I called Jacob a couple of times this morning, but he never answered. I needed to apologize to him, to let him know I did wrong, but it seemed like he wasn't going to even give me the chance.

My attention shifted as I walked next to the soccer field. My thoughts traveled to Edward, and I wondered how he was doing.

I thought I recognized the green and black striped jerseys the guys playing were wearing. That was the same color Edward's team wore. I had to get closer. I didn't really recognize any of Edward's teammates except for the one guy who also worked at Earl's. I was watching the game from outside the fence, when a head of golden-brown, deliciously disheveled hair caught my attention.

_It couldn't be_.

I gasped and stepped back. Either Edward was out of prison, or he had an identical twin who was watching the game from the bench. Suddenly, a pair of deep green eyes were staring right back at me.

He was out. Edward was here. Edward was walking closer to me.

He was wearing dark pants and a light grey V-neck t-shirt with a dark grey unbuttoned shirt on top. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows.

_Holy shit!_ He looked magnificent.

"Bella." My name on his lips sounded divine. His voice was every bit as husky and sexy as I remembered.

_It was him!_

"Oh my God. Edward! I didn't think it was you." My voice came out high-pitched in my surprise. He stunned me with a crooked, beautiful smile. "You… um…"

"Yeah, I'm out," he said and kept smiling. I still couldn't process it. He was out? How? When?

"Since when?" I asked him, and I couldn't really contain my smile.

"About a week ago. They reopened my case and dropped the charges. Tanya testified on my behalf." Edward's eyes never left mine as he stuck his hands in his pockets.

"And how are you? I mean—" I tried to organize my thoughts, but then I just hugged him.

His hands immediately wrapped around my lower back while mine were around his neck. He hugged me back earnestly, hunched over me with his face buried in the crook of my neck. He took a deep breath, and when he exhaled, it left me with goose bumps all over.

"I'm so happy for you," I whispered in his ear. I loosened my grip on his neck, suddenly feeling embarrassed for jumping him.

"Thank you, Bella," he said without letting me go.

He took another breath, still cuddling in my neck. Then, he probably realized I had let him go, because he let go of me, stepped back, and hid his hands in his pockets again.

"Well…" I started getting uncomfortable. I didn't know what else to say. I was truly happy for him, but he was out. He was here and he never looked for me. He said his wife testified on his behalf. Were they still together?

"I got your letters," he started. "They… um… they were incredible. I mean, they kept me going, you know?" He stared at his feet as he kicked some of the dirt around.

"Oh," I mumbled not knowing what else to say.

"I didn't write back because… well, I wanted to, but—"

"It's okay," I said, even though it really wasn't. I'd waited and waited for his answer.

"I wanted to write back, but I thought it was better to let you move on, you know? Leave you alone, but well, now that I see you… I wish I had." He turned his gaze from his feet to my eyes.

He wanted me to move on. I tried to move on! The thought of Jacob had me backing down quickly. I needed to talk to Jacob soon.

"You did well," I said. "I mean, I have moved on." I stared at my hands. I needed to fix things with Jacob first. I couldn't let Edward have this much power over me. He had been here for a week and never looked for me. Was I just going to jump into his arms at the first sight of him? The fact that I had just done exactly that didn't go unnoticed by me, but still, I needed to get a grip on myself.

"Oh, good. I mean, good." When I looked up at him, his eyes were still on me. "We can be friends now," he said and smiled, but his smile didn't reach his eyes.

I was slowly melting for him. That spark, that pull I felt toward him was still there, still strong. I needed to go.

"I have to go, Edward."

"Oh, okay. It was really nice to see you, Bella." I gave him a little nod and walked away.

My palms were sweaty. My neck was still tingling from feeling Edward's breath on my neck. I couldn't deny the effect he had on my body. What I was forcing myself to feel with Jacob came so easily with Edward.

On my way home, I tried calling Jacob a couple more times. I left him messages saying that I needed to talk to him, and that I would be home tonight if he wanted to talk.

…

I waited for Jacob until my lids grew heavy. I changed into my pajamas and turned off the lights when I heard someone knock at my door.

_Jacob…_

I braced myself for my conversation with him. I'd had time to think about what I wanted to tell him, but it wasn't going to make it any easier. I hated myself for treating him like that, and I was ready to grovel and beg him to keep being my friend.

When I opened the door, Jacob wasn't there. Instead, Edward was sitting on my front steps with his back to me.

"Edward?"

"I wish I hadn't seen you today," he started to say without looking at me. "I… um… you smelled so good this morning." He looked down and grabbed his head with his hands.

I sat next to him. "Edward…"

"I'm sorry, but it's true. Your hair… your hair smells like fruits, like strawberries… it does things to me." He ran a hand through his hair with his eyes closed. I was slowly turning into a big pile of goo. His own smell was doing things to me too. Underneath the cigarette smell, he still smelled deliciously like him.

"I was doing fine," he continued. "I didn't look for you, or write to you or anything. I'm not saying it was easy, but you know, I could do it. But now, now I see you… and… um… and when I saw you this morning, man… it's too hard. I can't, I mean, I want to hug you, want to kiss you, want to thank you for writing to me. And I know I can't, and I won't, but it's killing me, Bella." He kept his head down as he made his confession.

I had to swallow hard at his words. He had never been so blunt.

"Edward, are you drunk?" I asked him. Even though he didn't smell like alcohol, there just didn't seem to be any other plausible explanation.

"Bella…" He took a deep breath. "I'm being one hundred percent honest with you." He turned to gaze at me, and I noticed his eyes were red around the irises, and he looked so tired. He was staring at me with such intensity— I was glad I was sitting down, because my knees felt weak.

"Edward," I whispered, and he turned around and faced the street again.

"Can you just hear me out? There are a couple of things I want to say to you." He rubbed his hands on his knees. He looked so anxious it almost made me want to ask him to smoke a cigarette already. Almost…

"Okay," I conceded, folding my hands between my knees.

"I'm so sorry, about everything."

"Edward, it's fi—"

"Do not say it's fine." He stood up. "No, Bella. That just won't do it." He paced in frustration in front of me. "I'm sorry about not being honest with you from the start. I should have told you I was married. That was very shitty of me. And to come here and— That night we… well…" He struggled for words as I looked down. "I should have told you before we did _that_, and it shouldn't have been in reaction to all the shit that was going on. That was pretty shitty of me too."

I was going to tell him that night was pretty amazing for me but decided not to interrupt him this time.

"I was a coward for not facing you, for not being honest with you." He sat down beside me again. "Bella, I despise myself." He put a hand on his chest, staring at me.

My eyes were watering and I had to stop him.

"Edward, please." I grabbed his hand. "Don't say that."

"I'm so sorry that I hurt you. You are the kindest, sweetest person I know, Bella, and you didn't deserve to be treated like that." He locked his fingers fiercely around mine. "I tried to stay away from you, but I wasn't able to do it, at least not for long." He looked at our intertwined hands. "And apparently, I am still unable to do it." He released my hand with a sigh.

I was out of words. I was just looking at him, biting my bottom lip. We stayed quiet for a while. I could see him getting more and more fidgety, but he didn't turn to look at me.

"I saw you when you came to visit me," he said then. His fingers were tapping nervously on his knees.

"Oh…"

"You saw me with Tanya."

"Yes."

"I know I don't deserve it, but I would like to explain anyway. If you'd let me." He looked at me and I nodded. "She came to tell me that she would testify in my favor, and that she was moving to California with her mother. She did, both. We are divorced now, officially."

I could see how sad he was. I knew at once.

"She took your daughter away?" How could she leave him like that?

Edward turned to look at me, and I swear there was moisture in his eyes. It broke my heart. I raised my hand and touched him on his shoulder and he sighed. He took his cigarettes out of his pocket and started tapping the top of the pack.

"She's not even my daughter. Tanya had been sleeping with Masen all this time. She's _his_ daughter." Edward's voice sounded strained.

"Wait, with your brother?" Edward looked down and ran a hand down his face in obvious despair. I couldn't help the next words that escaped my lips. "That bitch!"

His eyes shot up at me, and he gave me a humorless chuckle. He put his cigarettes back in his pocket.

"I'm sorry, that's not what I came here to say. I just wanted to apologize."

"Thank you," I whispered.

"I know I said I would stay away from you, but I've been so weak lately. I never wanted to be this selfish."

Edward was out, divorced and free. We could do this. We could try this. But I needed to talk to Jacob first. "Edward, I need time to think about this."

"Of course. I'll go." He stood up. I got up behind him on the front step on my door. When he turned around, we were face to face. "I could quit smoking, you know?" he said with a smirk, but I wasn't sure what he was offering.

"Edward…"

"I'm sorry, okay…" It sounded like he was convincing himself.

He inched closer and kissed me on the cheek. Testing me, he didn't pull back. He stayed close, and I was just melting for him. His nose ran over my cheek gently, and it seemed as if he was holding his breath. When his lips almost touched mine, he froze, waiting for me to stop him.

I couldn't find it in me to do so. His lips brushed mine softly, and he breathed out hard through his nose. His hands flew to the small of my back and pulled me closer to him. Without a warning, my hands were around his neck, fisting his hair. I was getting dizzy and my knees felt like jelly. I needed to stop before I lost all control. I pressed my hand on his chest minutely, but he got the hint at once and released me.

"Edward," I said, looking down. He didn't speak. "You said you weren't going to kiss me."

"I'm so sorry. I told you, I've been weak lately."

I kept my eyes down. I couldn't look at him, not if I really expected him to leave.

"No, I'm sorry. I let you do it. Please, I need you to go." I needed to clear my head.

"Do you really want me to go?" I could feel his eyes on me.

"Yes, please," I begged.

"All right. I'm sorry, Bella. Goodbye." I felt his fingers gently run down my arm and then he was gone.

I kept my head down until I couldn't hear his steps anymore.

I felt like another person when I was with Edward. I didn't know exactly what he had that made me go crazy like that. Truthfully, I wanted to follow him, hug him, kiss him again and ask him to come inside.

When I looked up, the first thing I saw was Edward walking fast, away from my house almost at the end of the street, with his hands in his pockets and his head down. The second thing I saw was Jacob's car across the street.

...

"Jake, please!" I was banging my fist on his car window. "Stop for a second. Please, let me explain," I cried.

He rolled down his window. "Bella, I can't deal with this right now. I really need to hit something, please," Jake growled, looking troubled.

"Jake." I grabbed his hand from the steering wheel. "Please, I need you to listen, to understand. I need you to be my friend."

"Your friend?" Jake yelled, getting out of the car and slamming the door. "Your friend? Bella, come on! I don't want to be your fucking friend, dammit! I broke up with her for you!"

"You broke up with Leah?"

_Shit, shit, shit, shit!_

"Yes!" He was fuming. "That's what I came here to tell you!" I've never seen Jacob so angry before.

"Jake, let's calm down." I touched his arm tentatively, and he laid his back against the car.

"Bella, don't do this to me." He looked down and closed his eyes. He seemed as if he was about to cry but was holding it back.

I was breaking him. I was breaking my best friend.

"Jake, I'm so, so sorry. I'm confused. I don't know what to do." Tears were streaming from my eyes. He lifted his hand, as if he was going to wipe my tears, but then he dropped his hand.

"I can't do this shit anymore." He opened his car door.

"Jacob, don't leave, please." I was sobbing inconsolably, gasping for air.

"Are you fucking serious right now?"

"I… I—"

"Bella," he seethed, coming closer to me. "Do you have any idea of how I'm feeling right now, or do you even care?"

"Of course I care, Jacob! Please talk to me!"

"Then how can you expect me to comfort you when I'm dying inside." His eyes watered and my stomach sunk.

"Jake," I sobbed.

"I have to go." He got in the car and drove away.

I dropped on the sidewalk and cried into my hands until I was able to go back inside.

…

I stared at the ceiling of my bedroom, trying to make sense of things.

I couldn't believe how this day had turned out. Edward was out; he was divorced and free. He had finally been honest with me. He had said he had trouble staying away from me. I couldn't deny how my body reacted to Edward. My body simply melted in his hands. I had never felt that way for anyone before. I owed myself the opportunity to be with him. That is, if he wanted to be with me. We could get to know each other, become friends like he said.

But then, there was Jacob. My smile disappeared at the thought. I needed to talk to him first, make things right. He had looked so broken! I had to be the worst friend in the world.

…

I thought it was better to let things cool off and talk to Jacob in the morning. At ten in the morning, I found myself standing at his door. I still wasn't sure exactly what I was going to say, but I planned on just being honest with him. In my nervousness, I had been frozen at his door for about ten minutes. Even though I knew I was going to hurt him, I needed to talk to him; waiting was just going to make everything worse. Gathering my courage, I finally knocked on the door.

When Jacob opened the door, one look at him had my stomach in knots. The expression on his face told me everything— he knew what was coming. He probably had done a lot of thinking on his own.

"Can we talk?" I asked, and he let me in without saying anything.

"Um, hey, how are you?" I tried to hug him, but he stopped me with one hand. Still he didn't say anything.

He sat down on the couch and I sat beside him. He just looked at me. "Jake, I don't even know where to start." I paused. My eyes started to fill with tears. I waited to see if he would say anything, but he kept quiet.

"Everything that has happened between us has been… um… I mean… I care about you so much, Jake. You don't even know. I— I love you, but…" I paused again. Tears stared to come out of my eyes, but I needed to keep talking. He still did not say anything.

I glanced at him and wiped the tears off my face. "I'm so confused, Jake. And I don't think it'd be fair to be with you like this. I mean, you deserve so much better, so much more than this, and I don't really know if I'd be able to give it you. There are some things I need to figure out first. I think I owe myself at least that much." I kept wiping my tears, and he looked down. I knew this was killing him.

"It's not you, Jake. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true. You've been nothing but good to me, and not just right now, but always, and um…" I was now using the sleeve of my hoodie to clean my tears. "I'd hate myself if I lost you, Jake. This was exactly what I didn't want, what I was scared of. Your friendship is one of the best things that has happened to me. I am so, so fucking sorry." I broke down and covered my face with my hands.

Jacob took a deep breath and put his arms around me, letting me cry on his chest.

"What do you want from me, Bella?" When Jacob finally spoke, his voice was controlled.

"I need you to keep being my best friend, no matter what."

With a sigh, he let me go. He wrapped his hands around my shoulders and pushed me off his chest. When I opened my eyes, he was glancing at me carefully, with a stoic expression on his face. His hands moved to my face, and he dried my tears with his thumbs.

He stood up quietly and walked to the window. My eyes followed him from the couch, waiting to see what he had to say. He kept looking through the window, holding on to it— his knuckles were white with the force he was grabbing onto the sill. I could see his shoulders and back muscles tense under his t-shirt.

"So, he's back?" Jake asked from the window, still looking outside.

"Yes."

"Are you guys together now?"

"No! Of course not!"

"But you will be." He turned around and walked closer to the couch where I was kneeling. He stood behind it, his face still hard and expressionless.

"I-I don't know, Jake."

"But you want to."

"I want to get to know him better. Maybe be his friend."

"His friend?" Jake laughed humorlessly. "You want to be his friend. You want to be my friend. You want to stay friends with the fucking coyote. You're so full of shit, Bella," he hissed and I cringed. "Just be honest with me."

"Okay…" I took a deep breath. "I want to be with him. I want to be with Edward."

"I knew this was going to happen." He grabbed onto the back of the couch. I looked at him but couldn't tell what was going through his mind.

"I'm so sorry, Jake."

He took a long breath and groaned into his hands.

I jumped from the couch and walked closer to him. "Can you forgive me?"

"Do I really have a choice?" Jacob said through a tight jaw. "Because the way I see it, I either do or cut you out of my life."

I wrapped my arms around him, but his hands remained at his sides. "Jake, please," I begged. "Don't cut me out," I sobbed into his chest.

I felt him take a deep breath and then his hand was over my hair.

"Okay, Bella." He let go of my head and unhooked my arms from around him, taking a step back. "It's okay."

I sighed in relief before whispering "thank you."

He scratched his neck as we awkwardly stood in front of each other.

"I'm tired, Bella. I'd like to catch some sleep."

"Oh, okay. Sure. Will I see you tomorrow?" I asked, hopeful. I still wasn't sure if things would be okay between Jacob and me, but I sure as hell hoped so.

"Yeah, probably." He shrugged.

"I love you, Jake." I hugged him once more before leaving.

…

The week went by and I found myself busy with school. I realized I didn't have any way to contact Edward even though I had decided to give it a chance with him.

Friday night, I decided to go to Earl's. I was supposed to meet Mike and the guys there, but I secretly hoped to run into Edward too. Now that he knew I knew he was out, maybe he'd come out of hiding.

Excited about the possibility of seeing him, I wanted to do something different with my hair. I curled it and wore it down with a clip on one side. I wore skinny jeans, a black top and my ever awesome black Chucks. I usually never wore makeup, but tonight I went for some eyeliner and mascara.

…

"Looking good, Bella." Eric commented when I walked in. I said hello to everyone and sat next to Jacob.

"Hey, you." I gave him a friendly nudge with my elbow on his side.

"Hi, Bella." Jake didn't look at me when he spoke.

"How are you? Where have you been all week?"

"I've been busy."

"I see a couple of one-nights staring at you." I smiled, referring to some girls across the room, who were checking Jacob out. He turned to face me and sipped from his drink. He kept staring at me intensely. "What? Come on, Jake. I want it to be like before."

"Okay, okay." He turned around, asked for another drink, and left.

"What happened between you two?" Mike came closer and sat beside me. I was looking at Jacob who sat at those girls' table.

"Nothing." I twirled the straw in my drink.

"Why are you dressed like that?" Mike pointed at my cleavage.

"Like what?" I pulled my top up.

"Bella, you're torturing him."

"Has he said something?" I looked at Jacob. He was talking to the girls.

"No, but—"

"It's complicated. We are trying to just be friends."

"Okay… If you say so." Mike shrugged.

"Everything is going to be fine."

"What happens when he goes back with Leah? Or when you start dating some asshole again?"

"We will work it out when that time comes."

"Well, start working it out." Mike gestured to the door with his head as Edward walked in the bar.

My eyes followed Edward as he talked to one of the bartenders.

I glanced at Jacob —he was still with the girls at the other table.

I walked to Edward.

"Edward..." I smiled as he turned around and faced at me. His eyes were very red — it seemed as if he hadn't gotten much sleep for a few nights.

"Oh, Bella." He looked confused.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm sorry. Do you want me to leave? Are you here with your friends?" He ran a hand through his hair.

"No. Actually, I was wondering if I could talk to you."

"Oh…" he said, seeming even more confused now.

"Want to go outside?" I was determined to talk to him. He nodded and followed me.

As soon as we were outside, Edward lit a cigarette.

"I'm sorry," he said before he started smoking.

I sat on the bench. "Okay… here's the thing… um… so…" I said, trying to get the courage to say what I really wanted to say. I started rubbing my hands together. My palms were so sweaty.

"Is everything all right, Bella?" He frowned, looking at me, as he sank down next to me.

"Yeah, everything is fine." I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "I was really taken by surprise with everything you told me the other day." I peeked at him through my lashes, and he was still looking at me in confusion. "And here's the thing, I think you are amazing," I started. He looked down and kept smoking, blowing the smoke away from me. "I think you've had incredibly bad luck so far, but you've tried to do the best with what you've been given. I have faith you are going to do great things with your life."

I was being honest with him. I had never been so forward with a guy— I couldn't back down now. He kept quiet, looking down. "I would really like to get to know you better and spend time with you." He looked at me and tossed his cigarette. "I'm not saying like we should be together or anything, just, hang out some times and have long talks like before… and just see where it goes." I was so nervous I kept touching my hands.

He grabbed my hand in his. His hands were so big and his fingers were so long that my hand was completely wrapped in his.

"I'm still not good for you, Bella," he whispered, looking at me.

"And I still would like to be the judge of that."

"I don't get it really. Why do you like me?"

"Listen, I want to give us a chance at been friends, and see how it goes."

His eyes never left mine. "I thought you were with a guy. I mean, you said you had moved on."

"He wasn't just a guy. He was my best friend— is — but, um… there's nothing going on. He understands."

"Is he going to beat me up again?" Edward asked with a smile. I was surprised that he knew it was Jacob, but then again, maybe it wasn't so hard to guess.

"No…" I giggled. This guy made me giggle like I was a five-year-old. He leaned over and gave me a soft peck on the lips. I gently pushed him away. "Um, I don't want to rush into things, okay? I want a clean start over."

"Clean start over. You got it." He extended his hand to me for a shake. "I'm Edward Cullen. It is a pleasure to meet you, Bella..." He trailed off, still holding my hand, waiting for my last name.

I smiled. "Swan."

"Well, Bella Swan, I have to go and take care of a few things, but can I call you tomorrow?"

Hearing him say my name like that had my insides tingling.

"Yes," I agreed wholeheartedly, unable to keep the smile off my face. I gave him my phone number and then he left.

Even though I was disappointed that he had to leave, I was excited to start over with him from scratch. No more lies, no more secrets. Clean start over.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything _Twilight_. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to the lovelies mcc101180 & thir13enth from PTB for their beta skills!

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

EPOV

I would be lying if I said I hadn't been struggling with getting my life back on track. I had so many responsibilities before, with Tanya and Mandy, but now, I had nothing— no one — I was all alone.

I had gone to Earl's to talk to my old boss, since Ian had said that they still needed a bartender. Of course, I had secretly hoped to see Bella there, and boy, she didn't disappoint. She was there, looking gorgeous, wanting to talk to me, wanting to give me a chance.

I walked home from Earl's, smoking a cigarette and trying to figure out how on Earth I was deserving of Bella's second chance. Once I got home, I was still coming up blank.

God, I was so tired. Tired of been in pain, tired of always having to work extra hard. Nothing ever came easy for me —nothing. I sat on the couch and rubbed my eyes. I was already having trouble sleeping, but I didn't want to start taking any more pills to try to remain in control.

_Who was I kidding? I didn't have any control over this shit. _

It had been four hours since my last painkiller and I was already hurting. The orange prescription bottle in my pocket felt like it weighted a ton when I set it on the coffee table. I rubbed my eyes once more and ran a hand through my hair before I lit another cigarette and stared at the offensive orange bottle on the table.

Why the hell were prescription bottles orange?

_Orange is such an annoying color._

I took a deep breath and stared at the ceiling as I kept on smoking. I usually didn't smoke inside the apartment. Not only because Tanya didn't like it, but also because I didn't want my Mandy to develop some secondhand smoke related shit, like I had. But no one else lived here anymore, so I didn't really give a fuck.

I was on my own now.

But I didn't have to be on my own though. I could have Bella in my life. Even though she was too good for me, she wanted to give me a chance. Bella was so beautiful and kind, so understanding, and she read me so well. She knew at once, without me having to say anything, that I missed Mandy and that it broke my heart that Tanya had taken her away.

Bella said she wanted to have a clean start. _Clean start,_ I thought with a snort as I finished my cigarette. Bella had faith in me. I couldn't disappoint her again. I wouldn't. I had tried to stay away from her before, for her own good, but I didn't think I could do it anymore— I wasn't strong enough.

I decided it then. I would try to be good for Bella. I would try my best to deserve the chance she was giving me. I was not going to disappoint her again. Looking at the coffee table and the offensive little orange bottle, I stood up and took a deep breath.

I didn't need this shit anymore. I had been fooling myself thinking that by not injecting I could remain in control. But I had to be honest with myself. Since the surgery, I had kept morphine in my system, and it was definitely going to hurt to come off of it. But I had to.

_Clean start._

I grabbed the bottle at once and headed for the kitchen. I was clenching the bottle so tightly my knuckles hurt. Once I dumped it in the trash can beneath the sink, I slammed the cabinet door shut. I had to grab on to the sink for support.

_I can do this_. _I have it under control_.

The pressure on my chest was back and in full force. I rubbed my hand on it.

_Not good enough_.

I opened the cabinet again and got the trash out. I walked outside to the big trash can out back and dumped everything in it, closing the lid and stepping back. I sat on the back steps to smoke a cigarette while I stared at the trash can. That little orange bottle was still in there, mocking me.

_Not good enough._

I got up, lit a match, and set the insides of the trash can on fire. I sat back on the steps and watched the trash can burn.

…

My head was swimming and my body was achy, so after I let the fire from the trash can extinguish, I headed to bed. I looked at my cell phone and scrolled down the contacts for the newly acquired number. _Bella Swan_. God, she looked so pretty tonight. She had her hair down and had a little clip thing holding the front to one side. She didn't look pretty— she looked breathtakingly beautiful. I wanted to call her, to hear her voice, but it was two in the morning already.

After turning again and again in my bed, it became clear I was not going to be able to sleep— no matter how exhausted I was. The smell of cigarettes made my stomach turn when I walked to the living room, and suddenly, I couldn't stand the smell of smoke inside of my house.

I decided to vacuum, hoping that cleaning would not only keep me distracted, but also get rid of the god-awful smell. After vacuuming, I decided to clean the kitchen and the floors. I emptied the fridge and cleaned it as well— none of the food in there looked appetizing anyway. The bathroom and my bedroom were next.

Mandy's room was the only place in the house that didn't smell like smoke. I sat on her little bed and looked around. Tanya had taken all of Mandy's things, except for the stuffed soccer ball that remained on the bed. I brought it close to my nose, basking in the sweet scent that still remained on it. Mandy loved this thing and Tanya made her leave it behind. _God, Tanya was such a bitch._ With a sigh, I left the soccer ball on Mandy's bed and locked her room closed.

I stood in my living room and looked around my quiet home. Didn't really feel like a home anymore. I took a deep breath and rubbed my tense neck. _God, everything still smelled like fucking cigarettes. _

I decided to do the laundry then. I washed the sheets, the towels, the curtains, the comforter… everything. I opened the windows to try to get rid of the smell but then realized the windows were filthy too, so I cleaned them as well.

When the sun started to come out around six in the morning, I mowed the lawn.

My stomach still turned when I came back, and I vowed never to smoke inside again. I should quit anyway, but… maybe inside I should try to kick one vice at a time.

I couldn't think of anything else that needed cleaning, so I just took a shower and changed. I dragged my feet exhaustedly to the couch, where I sunk and tried to take deeper breaths. It didn't take long for me to realize I was not going to be able to relax. I needed to get out of here. I eyed the clock— it was seven-thirty. I grabbed my keys and left the house.

…

"Hello?" Bella croaked when she answered the phone.

_Shit…_ I had woken her up.

"Bella?_"_

"Yes?" She took a deep breath.

"Hi, um, it's Edward." I ran a hand down my face.

"Oh… hey… um…"

"Are you awake?" I asked sheepishly.

"I am now…"

"Um… I'm sorry… go back to sleep," I said, ready to hang up.

"No, wait. Um…" I heard some movement on the other side of the line. Then I heard a bang noise. "Shit! Ow…" I heard her complain. "What time is it?"

"It's eight in the morning. I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just hit my knee. I'm fine. What's up?"

"I'm at your door," I said hesitantly. Then, I guessed she put the phone down without hanging up because I heard her running around. She hit herself again and cursed. I couldn't help my smile. I heard a door close, heard the toilet flush and then water running. Once I could hear steps coming closer to the door, I hung up.

The door flew open and there she was. "Hey," she said, smiling, still looking a bit sleepy —her eyes a little swollen. She had gray sweats on and a light blue tank top, with her hair up in a messy ponytail. I couldn't help but smile again— she was so adorable.

"I'm sorry I woke you," I said, looking down.

"It's okay… come in… let's have some coffee," she said and we went inside. She set the coffee machine, and I couldn't stop looking at her. I still couldn't believe she was giving me a chance.

"Um… I was wondering… do you like hiking?" I asked her.

"Hiking?" She turned around and smiled at me. I nodded. "Yeah… I do like hiking."

"Want to go… today?"

"Hiking?" she asked again, pouring coffee in two mugs.

"Yeah… Mount David." I grabbed one cup.

I needed to keep my mind and my body busy. I had thought about training, but I also really wanted to see Bella, which is why hiking seemed like a better idea.

"Sure." She drank from her coffee, looking at me.

"Great!" I drank my coffee way too fast, burning my tongue on the process.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah…" I said.

"I'll be ready in a minute," she said and went to her room.

I grabbed more coffee and started tapping nervously the tabletop with my fingers. A bad headache was already starting; I grabbed my head between my hands. "Get it together you wuss," I said under my breath.

Minutes later Bella came out of her bedroom with her whole hiking ensemble. She packed two backpacks with water bottles, fruit and granola bars. She was pretty excited about going. She said she had read about it and always wanted to go. She also said it took the average hiker around six hours to get to the top and she was thrilled to try to make it up and back in one day. I just looked at her as she packed and went on and on about hiking and I don't know what else. I just kept looking at her hands, her lips, and her hair bouncing from that ponytail… completely enraptured by her beauty and her eagerness to spend time with me.

…

It was a little past nine in the morning, and we were already going uphill on the expert trail up Mount David. After some discussion, we had decided on the advanced trail since it looked like the most interesting.

"I got my job back at Earl's," I said as we walked.

"That's great, Edward!" She smiled at me wholeheartedly.

"Yeah… I start Tuesday."

"Great… what about soccer?"

She wanted to know about soccer. She cared about me and about the things I liked.

"Well, I've restarted training. I'm going to focus on that now. I might even get to play next week."

"So you start everything next week."

"Yes. Clean start, right?" I looked at her and she smiled at me.

"Sounds like you'll be full with work again." Her lip got trapped under her teeth.

"Don't worry, I'll find time for you." I smirked at her. She smiled then, effectively releasing her lip.

…

Pain.

Stabbing pain under my arm on the left side of my chest. I opened my eyes and realized we had fallen down and apparently I had passed out after hitting the floor. To be able to sit, I had to make pressure with my hand under my arm and take a deep breath. It hurt to breathe. It really fucking hurt. Once I managed to stand up, I walked to Bella. She was sitting down, sobbing, and grabbing her left ankle.

"Are you okay?" I tried to bend over and help her but my left side hurt too much. I tried to recover by taking longer breaths. I realized I might be in worse shape than I thought.

_Would I ever catch a fucking break!_

We needed to find the way back to the trail. I looked up. I could barely recognize the spot where we fell from. We had been walking for about four hours already, so we were pretty high up when Bella tripped on a tree root and we both fell down. We needed to get back on that trail. Grabbing my side, I managed to kneel in front of her.

"My ankle," she sniffled. I tightened her boot so her ankle wouldn't swell up.

"Is that the only thing that hurts?" Some of her hair had come out of her ponytail and I placed some strands behind her ears. I noticed she was bleeding on the side of her head. I cleaned it with my sweater. The cut wasn't deep, but she was still crying. I wiped her tears and caressed her cheek.

"I'm okay," she sobbed. I felt relief—she seemed fine. She was just scared. I took most of the hit from the fall.

"Can you walk or do you need me to carry you?" I questioned, even though I was pretty sure I was not going to be able to carry her, not in this condition.

"No… um… I think I can walk," she said and looked at me. Her eyes shifted to my hand which was still grabbing my side. "Are _you_ okay?"

"Yes…" I didn't want her to get worried, so I helped her up, trying my best not to show her I was in pain. "Give me your backpack. See if everything fits in mine," I said, sitting down on a trunk. I had to hold my breath and keep a hand on my side

Bella had clearly over-packed for our hiking trip, and I struggled to get all the stuff into one bag. If she was going to be limping on her foot, she didn't need to be carrying a backpack.

"We need to find a way back on the trail. Don't worry. We are going to be fine." I tried to reassure her.

"Hey." She brought a hand to my arm. "I can do this. I'm fine."

I looked at her and stood up, but the stabbing pain on my side caught me off guard and made me moan in agony. Every time I moved it hurt more.

"You are not okay," she said worriedly.

"Yes I am, let's go." I rolled up her backpack, frustrated, and put it inside of mine.

We started going downhill. About an hour and a half later, we still hadn't found the way back on the trail. I looked at her climbing down, helping herself on any branch she could find so she wouldn't put her twisted ankle down. I just looked at her and kept going. I was trying not to acknowledge the pain, trying not to think about it. I focused on my breathing and just kept going.

Bella kept turning around to check on me. "We should stop and rest… five minutes?"

"Bella, we need to keep going. It's getting late." I looked at my cell phone, still no signal.

About an hour later, we were still walking. I could barely stay up. The pain on my side grew stronger with every step I took, and now I had trouble breathing too, but I didn't have my inhaler with me.

"Wait," I finally said, unable to go on. After taking the backpack off, I sat on a rock, grabbing my side with my hand. I was panting and couldn't contain my moans anymore. Sweat was pouring down my forehead.

Bella limped to me and got a bottle of water out of the backpack. I could tell she was tired too.

"Edward, please, tell me what's wrong," she begged, sitting next to me.

"It's nothing…"

"Why don't we put my stuff back into my backpack so I can help you carry that?" She grabbed the bag.

"Stop… You can manage going down on one foot. I can manage the backpack. Okay? I just need a minute. Please." I tried to breathe through the pain. She sat down next to me and caressed my back. "Can I have one smoke?" As soon as I asked, she looked over at me, frowning.

"Edward, you can barely breathe and you want to smoke?"

"I just need one, please." It would help me relax and regain some control. I was so frustrated— I needed to get her out of there, but we were clearly lost.

What I really needed was something else, but a smoke would have to do for now. _No, not for now_... I thought, _forever_. I got a cigarette out of the pack on my pocket and lit it. As soon as the smoke was in my lungs, I felt an insignificant ounce of relief.

I really didn't want to spend the night out there. I looked at my cellphone again, still no signal. Spending the night here would be bad, really bad. "How's your foot?" I asked while I smoked.

"Um… it's kind of numb," she said, taking her boot off and looking at it. "I twisted this same ankle before."

Her ankle was swollen and the skin was already turning purple. "Tighten your boot and let's go." I stood up urgently, finishing the cigarette.

"Please, take five more minutes." She grabbed my arm. I went to pick up the backpack but couldn't lift it. I was almost crying from the pain, grabbing my side.

_Shit, shit, shit, shit!_

"What's going on? It can't be nothing! What's wrong?" Bella cried, coming closer to me and helping me stay up. "You always do this to me! Please, don't shut me out! What is it?" She grabbed the hem of my sweater. "Let me see."

"No. Please… We need to keep going, Bella." I clutched her hand in mine. I was trying so hard to think it was nothing, that if I saw my side bruised or swollen or worse, I might not be able to continue.

"Let me see!" she ordered in anger, and I gave up.

"Please," I mumbled but she was already lifting off my sweater.

"Oh God, you are bleeding," Bella said in alarm. I didn't look but I let her examine me. "You have a cut, but I don't think it's bleeding anymore, Edward." She continued to check me as I focused on my breathing. "The whole thing is red and bruised. Is it sor—" She tentatively and carefully brushed a finger on my side, but it still hurt like hell and I couldn't keep my growl down. "Sorry!" She lowered my shirt. "Damn it!"

"I'm fine… I'm…" I tried to say but I had to sit down again. My head was pounding and I was dizzy. I checked my cell phone again, breathing heavily, willing it to have a signal.

"What should we do, Edward?" She sat next to me.

I could sense she was starting to get scared. And who wouldn't. We were in a pretty shitty situation. I was obviously badly hurt, and her foot didn't look good either.

"I don't know," I whispered, although I didn't mean to say it out loud. With my head between my hands, I closed my eyes tightly and tried to control my breathing. Focus escaped me as all I could think about was the excruciating pain I was in.

Could I be possibly having withdrawal symptoms already? Or was it just that I was hurt?

_This is not good…_

I calculated how long ago I took my last morphine pill. It was about sixteen hours— well enough to be having symptoms. I shouldn't be having them though… I thought I had it under control!

"Edward?" Bella asked, rubbing my forearm. "Okay… I think we should maybe prepare to spend the night here," she started. "I think my foot is broken and probably one of your ribs is as well."

I focused on my breathing to try to take deeper breaths.

"What do you think is better, to walk around like this in the dark, or wait until tomorrow morning?" She kept talking and she was now caressing my back. "Edward?" Her voice cracked.

_Focus, focus, focus…_ This definitely felt like detox. Severe headache, check. Restlessness, check. Irritability, check. Body aches, check, check, check!

_C'mon! She's with you… she's here… she's here…_

I felt her hand on my back, still caressing me. It felt good. "So good," I think I said out loud.

When I opened my eyes, I saw that she was crying. I needed to get it together.

I grabbed my side with my hand as I stood up and looked around. It was getting dark already— we needed to spend the night there.

_This isn't going to be fun…_

The sky was getting cloudy and it looked like it might rain. I spotted a good tree. With some branches and our jackets, we could stay sort of dry if it did. I looked around for some loose branches.

"Edward?" Bella asked again, and I turned to face her.

"Okay. We'll have to spend the night here. I'm sorry," I said and she nodded. "I think I could build some kind of shelter with our jackets and some branches to try to stay dry tonight. I think it might rain." I was in control of myself now, despite my hammering heart and the pounding in my head. "We can try to bandage your ankle, and you should try to move it as little as possible. We have some food and water, so I think we should be fine." I went through everything I thought we needed to do, keeping my mind busy and trying not to think about anything else.

"What about you?" Bella asked, walking closer to me.

"Turn off your cell phone so we can save the battery," I said without looking at her as I turned mine off. I took off my shirt and sweater and sat down on a trunk, holding my side in pain. "Give me your ankle," I said through my teeth and she obeyed. She took her boot off and placed her ankle on my knee. I ripped part of my shirt and started bandaging her ankle.

"How do you know how to do this?"

"Ankles are easy to hurt when you play soccer, Bella. Yours is not the first I've bandaged." It was tight, but it shouldn't be too uncomfortable. She put her boot back on.

"Is there anything I can do for you?"

There was nothing she could do. I started collecting long branches, groaning in pain every time I bent down. Once I had a few, I arranged them on the tree and laid our raincoats, waterproof side up, on top of them. I checked the bag and took one granola bar out of it and handed it to her.

"You should eat something," I said without looking at her. I wrapped the blanket around her shoulders, thankful that she had over-packed. I started arranging her hair behind her ears and wiping her tears, but still avoided her eyes.

"Hey, Edward." She grabbed my chin between her fingers. "Look at me," she said and finally my eyes laid on hers. I couldn't keep my eyes focused on her though. She placed her other hand on top of my bare chest. "I'm fine…" she said, looking into my eyes. I could feel my heart pounding against her hand. "Are you?"

"I'm trying…" I said, but then everything went black.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything _Twilight_. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to the lovelies mcc101180 & thir13enth from PTB for their beta skills!

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

EPOV

When I opened my eyes, my head felt heavy— my brain still pounding. I tried to sit up, but my side still hurt. I was dizzy and nauseated— I needed to get up to throw up. Turning over on my right side, I managed to get on all fours.

It was still dark, but the moonlight was enough for me to see Bella sleeping against the trunk of the tree. She didn't have the blanket on, and she was shaking.

My stomach revolted, and I managed to get up and stumble my way a little farther away until I threw up. The pain on my side intensified each time I heaved, and tears were falling freely from my eyes.

Once the heaving stopped, I dropped on my ass, exhausted and in pain. My nose was runny as shit, and I wiped it on my sleeve, realizing somehow I had my sweater back on. It was still raining, so I looked up to get some water on my face, enjoying the coolness on my skin.

When I was able to gather enough strength, I stumbled back to the shelter, finding my ripped t-shirt and using it to dry my face.

"Edward?" Bella asked, opening her eyes.

"Yes," I said through my teeth, trying to sit back down. Back rested against the trunk of the tree, I checked my pocket. "Shit!" My cigarettes were soaked. "Damn it!"

"Are you okay?" Bella asked, touching my arm.

"Well, I've been better." I took the blanket and wrapped it around her again. "Please don't take it off."

"But you were shaking. I thought…"

"Just keep it, please." I tried to lie back down as I grabbed my side. I exhaled in relief once I was flat on the ground.

"You want to tell me what's wrong?" Bella stared at me quizzically.

"Well…" I breathed hard. "Besides the fact that we are lost, you are hurt, I don't have my asthma meds or a single dry smoke, and two or three of my ribs may be broken?"

"You passed out. You were mumbling incoherently. Your heart was beating really fast. I thought you might have had a heart attack!" Her eyes started to fill with tears. "Is that normal? Is it asthma related or due to the pain in your ribs? Or is it something else? I want to be able to help you. But you have to tell me what is wrong! Where does it hurt?"

"Bella, it… hurts… everywhere," I said through my teeth, closing my eyes and covering them with my hands. My head was pounding again. "I'm sorry, Bella. I won't be the best company tonight. I'm a little on edge." I tried again to control my breathing. The worst thing that could happen now would be to have an asthma attack.

_It was a bad idea bringing her here… _

My head felt like it was going to explode.

_I need a fucking smoke._

She was saying something, but I couldn't pick up the words.

_This is bad… this is real bad._

I tried not to scream, but I wasn't sure if I succeeded or not.

_Focus… focus…_ I told myself._ Screaming won't help._

…

I squinted my eyes at the brightness, trying to lift my head up unsuccessfully. The sun was blinding, and it was hurting my eyes. It was so hot that sweat was dripping from my forehead. I realized I was covered with the blanket again and took it off. Turning on my side, I managed to sit up. I looked around and it took me a minute to realize where I was.

"Bella?" I called, but she wasn't anywhere around.

I tried to get up against the pain on my side.

_Was it possible that it hurts more than it did yesterday?_

I had to rest on my knees before I could finally stand upright.

As soon as I lifted my head, my stomach turned, and I struggled to take a couple steps away from the tree, before I landed on my knees and threw up again. There was nothing left in my stomach, and the bile burned in my throat.

Once I stumbled back to the tree, I found a bottle of water and drank from it slowly, not wanting to throw up again.

"Bella?" I called again, a little louder, but there was no response. I saw the pack of smokes on the ground, the sun shining on them. "Oh, thank fuck!" They were dry.

I sat back down, grabbing my side, and rested my head on the trunk. I smoked and looked around for any sign of Bella. Did she leave me here? That didn't seem likely. I searched my surroundings and saw a white piece of fabric on one of the trees a couple yards away.

_What the..._

The sun and the heat ended up being too much, so I closed my eyes and let the blackness swallow me.

…

I was shaking, or the ground was… I wasn't sure. My fingers dug into dirt as I tried to hold on.

"Edward? Edward, please…" I heard her voice then.

Glistening chocolate eyes met mine as I was brought back to reality.

"Why are you crying?" My voice cracked when I tried to speak — my throat felt so dry.

I propped myself up on my elbows, looking around. It was dark again.

"Oh, Edward!" Her arms enveloped me, and I winced as she pulled me close. In spite of the pain on my side, I wrapped one arm around her waist and returned the hug. My face buried in her neck, as I basked in the smell of her hair.

_How could it still smell like fruits?_

"Are you okay? Can you hear me?" She helped me sit up against the tree.

"Yes, I'm fine."

"You haven't eaten anything. I saved one of the granola bars for you. We still have some water left, and I found some berries around." She handed me the granola bar and the water bottle. My lips stung as I drank some water and looked at her.

"How much water is left?" I asked her.

"That's the last bottle, but I think it might rain again tonight," she said, and thunder backed her up.

"What about the food?"

"That's the last granola bar."

"Do you expect any granola showers soon?" I said and smiled.

"Are you seriously joking right now?" she said, smiling at me. "I tried to look for a signal on the cell phone. I went that way," she pointed, "then right and came back, and then left and came back," she explained. "I marked the trees with pieces of your shirt," she said proudly. "No signal though." Her disappointment was obvious in her voice. "I could try a different way tomorrow."

"How's your foot?" I said and drank some more water.

"The same. I made myself a walking stick to help me around," she said, pointing to the crooked piece of wood. I looked at her again.

"You are amazing, do you know that?" I said, staring in her eyes.

"You've said that before." She smiled. "C'mon, eat something."

"I don't know if I should eat," I said, looking at the granola bar. I didn't think I could keep it down.

"But you haven't eaten anything, and you've thrown up at least twice," she said, worried. I took the water bottle and drank some more. My lips still stung but only on one side. I brought my finger to touch it. "Don't." Bella stopped me, grabbing my hand. "You burned your lips. I think you fell asleep smoking." She brought her hand to my cheek. "At least you are not burning up like before." Her touch felt so good on my cheek, I almost wanted to just cuddle up against her hand.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," I whispered, closing my eyes.

I tried to move, but my side hurt. I winced and looked down at my left side as I lifted my sweater. The cut was healed and it didn't look infected, but the bruise was bigger now, covering most of my left side and reaching to my abs. I touched the edge with my fingers and winced again. I tried to take longer breaths, but it hurt to breathe deeply which didn't help.

"Don't be silly. None of it was your fault," she said and kept caressing my cheek and the hair behind my ear. Her touch helped, but my head never stopped pounding. I looked at her; she looked tired.

"We should try to sleep. I probably wasn't very quiet last night, was I?" I asked her, and she shook her head. "I'll try to be quiet tonight. Tomorrow we can look for signal again," I told her. I lay down, grabbing my side and holding my breath. Once down, I exhaled painfully. She cuddled next to me and kept caressing my hair.

…

The sun was starting to come out when I opened my eyes. Bella was still sleeping next to me. I brushed some of her hair behind her ears. She looked so pretty, sleeping on her side with her hands folded beneath her head like an angel. The light was enough for me to appreciate the tone of her skin and the scattered freckles over her nose and cheeks. I took a deep breath and tried to sit up. My stomach revolted and saliva accumulated in my mouth. I got up quickly and moved away from the shelter to throw up again, glad I didn't eat the granola bar or it would have been wasted.

I looked around for a water bottle to rinse my mouth. I was surprised by the setup next to the shelter. There were three sets of rocks arranged with big leaves on top of them with their tips into a water bottle. All three bottles were filled with water from the rain of the night before.

My eyes shifted to Bella, who was still sleeping.

_This woman is amazing…_ I thought and smiled. _And here she is going through detox with me… nice…_

All humor gone from my thoughts, I examined myself. My side still hurt — my ribs must definitely be broken. Keeping pressure on them with my hand seemed to help. My head was still pounding, but it was bearable, though barely. My stomach seemed to be under control, although I was sure I shouldn't try to eat anything yet.

I drank some water and collected the other bottles. I was still in pain and my heart was still going fast, but I could walk with her today and try to find a signal. As long as I kept my breathing under control, I should be fine. Even though breathing deeply was painful, I was sure an asthma attack would be much worse. As I started filling the backpack with everything, Bella opened her eyes.

"Good morning," she said. "You're better." Her face lit up with a brilliant grin.

"Yes," I said, smiling back at her. "We should get on our way."

She got some water and washed her face. Then she helped me get the jackets, and we folded them into the backpack. I tried to zip the backpack but couldn't grab the zipper. That was when I noticed my hands were shaking violently.

"Edward?" Bella said, grabbing my hand. "What is it?" She looked me in the eyes. I looked back at her, feeling my pockets. I found my pack of cigarettes. I'd had only two cigarettes in the last… what two days? Had it been two days? My mind was a little foggy. I didn't even remember the last time I smoked less than a pack a day.

I placed the cigarette between my lips on the side that didn't hurt, letting go of Bella's hand and taking some steps back. I sat on a stump and smoked slowly — first, because I didn't want to lose control over my breathing, and second, to enjoy my last smoke. My last smoke. The thought of it made me uncomfortable. But the pain on my side and my incessant headache balanced everything out. Bella finished packing everything while I smoked.

"Okay… I think we've got everything." She zipped the backpack closed.

I finished my cigarette and stood up, grabbing my side. I put on my jacket carefully, lifting my left arm, holding my breath and trying not to moan too much.

_Stop being such a pussy! _I was angry with myself. _What a useless piece of shit I am!_ I needed to try to be of more use today. _I should be the one taking care of her._

"Let's go," I told Bella and turned on my cell phone.

…

Bella and I had been walking for a couple of hours, keeping a good pace. I kept pressure with my hand on my side and tried to only focus on my breathing and not to think about the pain too much. _Wuss, wuss, wuss,_ I kept telling myself every time I thought about stopping.

Once in a while, I would look at my cell phone, but there was still no signal. Bella had gotten better at using her walking stick. She was able to keep up without using her right foot at all. We kept walking quietly.

…

I looked at Bella limping in front of me— we had been walking for almost four hours. I should be carrying her or helping her in some other way. I didn't think I could carry her though, _'cause I'm fucking useless…_

I kept getting angrier with myself and lost some control on my breathing.

"Let's take five," I said, panting.

She was panting too, but she never complained. _She is so brave…_I thought._ And I am a fucking pussy…_ "Have some water and eat the berries," I instructed her, while sitting down on a rock and trying again to control my breathing. Bella drank some water and handed me the bottle. I shook my head.

"C'mon, you should have some too." She sat next to me and ate some berries. I ignored her. "Listen, stop punishing yourself. This was not your fault! I know you want to be more helpful, but you can't help me if you don't help yourself, even air stewards know that." She smiled, still holding the bottle in front of me. I looked up at her. _How does she see through me so easily? _It didn't matter. She was right. I took the bottle and drank some water. It felt good going down my dry throat.

"More helpful? You mean helpful at all," I said, angry with myself. "We have water because of you. We have food because of you. I haven't been helpful to you at all." I looked at her and she smiled at me, touching my cheek.

"That is not true, you know? You are refusing to eat to leave the food for me. My foot is better thanks to your bandaging. You made sure we were safe before you collapsed the first night, and throughout the whole night, you kept mumbling something about taking care of me and that I was here."

"That's nothing," I said, still angry and looking down.

"It meant a lot to me. And more importantly, the reason why you are badly hurt and I am not is because you took most of the hit from the fall… because you were trying to protect me." She caressed my back. "So stop punishing yourself, get your breathing back in control, and let's go."

"You never cease to amaze me." I looked at her and drank some more water. "How did you think about collecting the water like that?"

"Oh, I used to go out with my dad on the boat a lot. Sometimes we would camp at different beaches. He showed me how to collect water like that," she said with melancholy. She probably missed her father.

"That was smart. I owe him. That's twice now." I stood up, grabbing my side, and we started walking again. After a few more hours, we were both exhausted. Bella started walking slower, and she would wince once in a while.

"You okay?" I asked, out of breath. As much as I tried, I was in too much pain to control my breathing anymore. She looked at me, with tears in her eyes. "Please, stop being brave. Tell me," I said between breaths.

"It's my hand — it hurts, from the friction with the wood." She extended her hand to me. I took her hand in mine and looked at it. Her hand was red, and a blister was clearly forming on her palm.

"Shit…" I sighed, trying to think. I needed to help her. I looked at the cell phone… still no signal.

_Damn it!_

I tried to breathe deeply without thinking about the pain on my side. I could help her. I could hold her on my right side and help her walk. I could do it. I had to.

"Okay, hold on to me." I grabbed her with my right arm, taking longer breaths now.

"Are you sure?" she asked, uncertain.

"Yes." I grabbed her more securely now, barely wincing. I didn't plan to show her how much it hurt me or she would refuse my help. "I think we should have about three more hours of light. Let's try, okay?" I pleaded with her. I needed to get her out of here. We did not have any more food, and my ribs were never going to get better this way. She nodded and wiped her tears from her face.

We kept walking, Bella holding on to me, the both of us exhausted and panting.

"Okay, please, let's stop," she said after some time. She couldn't continue. "I think… we should consider… building a new shelter here." She slumped on the ground. I grabbed my side and tried to breathe deeper, looking at her. I was in so much pain that I didn't think I could speak without screaming. I locked my teeth and sat next to her, grabbing my side and breathing hard. I rested my head on my knees and tried to focus on my breathing again. "Hey," Bella said, rubbing my arm. "You okay?"

I was about to answer, but I was interrupted by a beep. I looked at my cell phone — it had a signal! _One bar, that should be enough to call 911_. I tried calling, but the call wouldn't go through. _Maybe from higher up?_ I thought, looking around. I grabbed Bella's jacket from the backpack and managed to start climbing a tree, mostly using my right hand. I got the strength out of nowhere; this might be the last chance to get out of there.

"What are you doing?" I heard her say, but I kept on going. Once on top of the tree, I was able to call 911. I also left the orange jacket on top of the tree so it could be seen. Then I climbed down.

"They're… coming… for us," I panted as I sat down. She sat next to me and caressed my back.

"Are you okay? How can I help?"

"I'm fine. Don't worry. We just… need to wait." I tried focusing on my breathing. Her touch already helped me so much.

About an hour later, we heard a helicopter coming closer, and a few moments later, a man hanging from a rope came down.

"Are you guys hurt?"

"We are fine… just lost. She twisted her ankle," I said to the rescuer.

"I'll take you up one at a time. Can you hang on to this rope, miss?" the rescuer asked Bella. She nodded and let him put the harness around her.

"It's going to be okay," I said, grabbing her face and kissing her forehead.

"What about you?" Her eyes watered.

"I'll catch the next one. Don't worry about it." I half smiled at her.

"I'll come right back for you, sir," the rescuer said to me.

As they started going up, I noticed how the harness held Bella from her waist and armpits. It was not going to be a pleasant ride up for me.

When the rescuer came down again, he started to get the harness on me. As he tried to lift my left arm to place the harness under it, I couldn't contain my groan.

"Are you okay, sir?" he asked, but I didn't answer. I tried to get the harness in place, but it was hurting too much. "You should have told me you were hurt. I would have brought down the stretcher."

"I'm fine!" My voice was louder in frustration, as we finally were able to get the harness under my arm.

"Sir, it's going to hold you up from your waist and your armpits, are you sure?"

"Can we make it so it only holds me from the waist?"

"That's not possible, I'm sorry."

"Okay… Okay… let's go," I said and the rescuer signaled the chopper so they lifted us up from the ground. I hanged from the rope with my right hand, trying to take some weight off my left side. It helped, marginally, so I held on tight.

Once I was inside the helicopter, I took the harness off and sat next to Bella. I rested my head against the back of the seat, panting and grabbing my side in pain.

"Baby, you're not fine," Bella said. "We need to go to the hospital." She grabbed my hand. I nodded and focused on my breathing, holding on to her hand.

"Baby?" I repeated and smiled, relaxing into her touch. With that one word I knew we were going to be fine.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything _Twilight_. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to the lovelies mcc101180 & thir13enth from PTB for their beta skills!

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

BPOV

The nurse wheeled me into Edward's room, my ankle in an annoying cast. I didn't complain much about it, as long as they didn't call my dad.

Edward was lying on the bed, shirtless, with his chest bandaged. I caressed his arm, and he opened his eyes. "Hey," I said softly, smiling at him. "How are you feeling?"

"Are you okay?" As soon as he saw me, his expression contorted in worry. He propped himself up on his elbows, wincing, and looked at the wheelchair.

"I'm fine. This," I said, waving to the wheelchair, "is just hospital policy. I fractured my ankle."

"I'm such an idiot!" He sunk back down. "I'm so sorry. What a great idea for our first date, huh?" He exhaled painfully and looked at his chest.

"Two broken ribs," I explained. The doctor had said he was fine. He just needed to take it easy so his ribs would recover. He had been dehydrated too, so they had him on IV fluids.

"I'm so glad you're okay. I wouldn't forgive myself if something happened to you." He stared at the ceiling as he spoke.

"Hey, relax. It was an accident. It wasn't your fault." I caressed his hair, and he closed his eyes, seeming to enjoy it.

…

Edward and I were both released from the hospital that night. Unfortunately, one of the nurses had gone behind my back and told my dad. He was distant and out of it. After clearing me, he insisted on driving me home, but I kindly declined with the only way I knew he would accept.

"Are you sure you're going to be fine?" Edward asked, helping me up from the wheelchair. He handed me the crutches with one hand while grabbing his side with the other.

"Yes, I called my friend and he is picking me up." I had debated whether to call Jacob or not. I would have rather left with Edward, but calling Jacob helped me get rid of my dad.

"Right," Edward said, looking down. He opened his mouth to say something else, but I interrupted him.

"Listen, I want to keep this light. I want to go slowly."

"I know. Me too." He sounded sincere, but his eyes showed longing that did not match his words.

"I'm sorry I called you 'baby' today," I said, looking down and blushing.

"Don't be sorry."

"It was inappropriate." There was nothing else I wanted more than to kiss and comfort him. He remained quiet, eyes down at his hands. I wanted to invite him over home, but I was determined — clean start. My hands twitched at my sides, as I debated with myself.

Once I saw Jacob's car approaching, I offered, "Do you need a ride home?"

"No, thank you. I'm all right," Edward said, looking up at Jacob's car, as his jaw twitched and his whole body tensed.

"Are you sure?" I asked seeing how he was still grabbing his side in pain.

"Yes, Bella. Go home. It's okay."

"Have a good night, then." I gave him a little peck on his cheek.

"You too," he said and sighed. He was looking at Jacob who was getting out of his car. I limped to Jacob, who took the crutches from me and helped me into the car. Gazing back at Edward, I smiled and waved goodbye.

"Thanks for picking me up," I said to Jacob, when he got in the car after helping me get in. He just nodded without saying a thing. "Don't you want to know what happened?" He just shook his head at my question. "Jake," I touched his arm and noticed how hard he was gripping the steering wheel. It looked as though he was going to rip it right out. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, Bella, I'm perfectly fine," he said, but I knew that was a lie. "Are _you _okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine. We got lost and fell down. We lost signal on our cell phones and spent two nights there," I started.

"Nice," he said sarcastically.

"Jake, please. Edward took most of the fall — he broke two ribs. I was really scared, Jake. He was in bad shape."

Jacob turned and looked at me as my eyes watered.

"Then he got worse…" I continued, freely crying now, everything coming out in a rush. "He collapsed on the ground, and his heart was beating so fast, I thought he would have a heart attack! He was mumbling stuff incoherently, and he was shaking so badly." I stared at my hands as the weight of everything that had happened hit me. Truthfully, it had been one of the scariest things I'd gone through in my life. I had felt so hopeless not knowing how to help him.

"Wait, from the pain on his ribs?" Jake asked.

"I guess… I don't know, Jake. He was not okay. He kept throwing up, even though he didn't eat anything, and he was burning up! He kept on saying his brain was pounding and that everything hurt."

"Are you sure he was not on something?"

"What? Jacob, please!"

"I'm serious, Bella. That sounds like detox to me."

"Detox?"

"Like withdrawal syndrome from drugs or something," Jacob explained.

Oh God, I'd been so naïve.

_Had Edward using again?_

_No way… it couldn't be._

"Bella?" Jacob pressed, and I looked at him without knowing what to say. "Bella? Does this guy do drugs?" he pressed.

"No, Jacob." I tried to sound convincing.

"Are you sure?"

"Jake, I'm tired. Give it a rest."

"Okay… okay…" he said, letting the issue go and focusing back on driving.

"I didn't even get to tell you about the fun part yet," I said, deciding to save the drug issue for later and continuing on about

I told Jacob about going by myself to look for signal and taking care of Edward. I told him about collecting water with the leaves and finding a walking stick. Jacob just kept listening to me without saying anything else.

…

When I got home, I went straight to bed. I couldn't fall sleep though. Jacob had gotten me thinking about Edward possibly being on pain meds again. I was so worried about him, I didn't know how or if to confront him about it.

If Edward was using again, he had clearly decided to stop by himself. That took a lot of courage, right? That meant he was making an effort to stay clean again. _A clean start_. It made sense. It broke my heart that he would have to go through that while having two broken ribs.

I decided I would not confront him about the drugs. As it had been proven in the past, Edward did not deal well with sharing about his life, but I was hoping that eventually he would open up to me.

My stomach was in knots, just thinking about him at home by himself in pain. I looked at my cell and scrolled for his name I had saved the morning before we went hiking. I didn't want to wake him, and if he was exhausted and in pain, he was probably sleeping, so I went for a text instead.

"**Hey. Thanks for taking me hiking. I hope you are feeling better. B."** I typed and sent him the text before I could chicken out.

When the phone vibrated a few seconds later, it made me jump in excitement. I was already smiling before I even read his answer.

"**Thank you, Bella****."**

I groaned. It's not like he left that open for continuing texting.

_Should I say you're welcome?_ It felt so lame.

"**Are you okay?" **I texted him back, and again his answer took less than a minute.

"**Can I call you?"**

"**Y" **In my excitement, I sent him the text without finishing typing the whole word.

"**Why?"** One text followed immediately by another. **"I wanted to hear your voice."**

"**I meant Yes. Sorry."**

My phone was ringing a few seconds later.

"Hello?"

"Bella…"

"Hey."

"I'm okay. I don't want you worrying about me," he said. "Is your ankle hurting?"

"My ankle is fine, Edward. I don't want you worrying about me," I said, mocking his voice.

"Funny…" He breathed into the phone.

"What are you doing?"

"Um… I am sitting on my porch."

"The doctor said you should take it easy, Edward. You should be lying down."

"I know. I just… I needed a smoke." He breathed into the phone again. "Okay, I'm heading back inside now."

"Okay. Good night, Edward."

"Bella?"

"Yes?"

"Do you mind talking to me a bit longer?" he asked, but he didn't let me answer. "I'm sorry. You are tired. Good night."

"I don't mind talking to you a bit longer," I said, and he breathed deeply. I could hear him walking around. I've never been at his place, so I wasn't sure, but I suspected he was heading to bed. I was pretty sure I heard his mattress squeak and then he grunted. Then I heard him hold his breath, more squeaking, and then exhale in relief. "Are you okay?"

"Ummhum." He breathed through his nose. "So…" he said, more in control now. "Do you have a busy week ahead of you?" I realized I was tense just hearing him struggle to, I thought, get in bed. His more relaxed tone, and his inane question, had me relaxing into my pillow as well.

"Um… It's study week, so mostly studying in the library."

"Did you finish your Faulkner essay?" he asked then, and I couldn't contain my smile. He had read my letters after all.

"I did… and I got an A."

"Smarty pants."

"Shut up," I said, chuckling and I could hear him chuckling on the other side too. Edward's laugh had my insides tingling. We continued like this: he would ask me questions about school and I would prattle for minutes. I heard him yawn twice, but when I pointed it out he would ask me another question about school.

…

I woke up and the sun was already shining through my windows. I looked at the clock; it was eight in the morning. I noticed my cell on my pillow. I must have fallen asleep talking to Edward. I felt embarrassed that I probably left him speaking by himself. I was going to text him to apologize, when I noticed I already had four texts from him.

6:01 am. **I think I fell asleep talking to you, Bella.**

6:02 am. **I won't even say I'm sorry. I had the best night's sleep in years.**

6:03 am. **Thank you.**

6:05 am. **I will stop after this one. Have a good day today and don't study too hard, smarty pants.**

Edward's texts had me giggling like a five year old. I answered him quickly before getting ready for my day.

"**I fell asleep too. It's my turn to ask the questions tonight."**

Most of my week was spent in the library during the day and on the phone talking to Edward at night. He would call me after leaving work, and talk to me as he walked home. The one night he let me ask the questions, I mostly asked him about soccer. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable talking about other, more delicate, subjects. He mostly asked me about school. He seemed interested in literature and we would discuss books for hours. I noticed he would not smoke while he talked to me, instead he would go straight to bed. I took comfort in the fact that maybe he wasn't as anxious anymore, or at least not when he talked to me. He kept the talking topics lighthearted, until last night, when he asked me about Jacob.

"I know it's not any of my business, and it's okay if you rather not tell me."

"It's okay," I said, and it really was. The whole point of taking things slow with Edward was to get to know each other. So I told him everything. I told him how Jacob had kissed me the day I went to visit him in prison. I told him how I forced myself to like him afterward.

I heard Edward get out of bed and walk around. "Where are you going?" I asked him.

"Um…" I heard him open and close a door. "Just outside," he said, and I heard him light a match. I sighed. "Yeah, I needed a smoke," he said, breathing deeply. He changed the subject then and didn't ask about Jacob again.

…

"This is a good change for a Friday night," Angela said, smiling and flipping her notebook. We were all studying at my place.

"It's definitely cheaper — no alcohol involved," Eric continued.

"No drunk Bellas to take home," Jacob said then. I looked at him and rolled my eyes. The rest of them laughed. "No moronic waiters to beat up," Jacob continued.

"Hey!" I said, annoyed by his comment.

"Okay… okay… where were we?" Angela tried to get us back to studying, when someone knocked on the door. Jacob was closer, so he stood up and opened.

"Speaking of the devil," Jacob said, and I was already walking to the door.

"Hello, is Bella home?" I heard Edward ask Jacob.

"Edward," I said behind Jacob, who stopped death-staring at Edward, and walked back to the table.

"Do you have a minute?" Edward asked.

"Of course," I said to Edward. "I'll be right back," I said, smiling to the others. They all rolled their eyes, except for Jacob who was intensely looking at his book.

I closed the door behind me. "Hi…" I said again to Edward.

"I guess your friend hasn't warmed up to me yet."

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. Don't pay attention to him. How are you?" I touched him on the shoulder and sat next to him on the bench in front of my house.

"I'm okay…" He started tapping his fingers on his knees anxiously. "I'm sorry to have interrupted you on your… um… study session?" he asked, now looking at me.

"Yeah, you know… finals next week. Don't worry, we were just starting. It's going to be like this the whole weekend."

"Then you're done?"

"Yeah… a week from today! There's actually going to be a party on Friday. You should come. It's at that new club, the one on college ave," I said.

"I don't know."

"C'mon, it would be fun!"

"Do you like to dance?" he asked shyly.

"I love dancing!" I smiled. "We danced once, at Earl's. Remember?"

"Yes. That was a weird night." He looked down. "So… I wanted to let you know that I'm going away for the weekend. I thought it would be nice to go visit Mandy," he said quickly, glancing up at me.

"Your daughter? That's great! Is she doing okay with the school change?" I said, excited for him and actually relieved that he'll be away for the weekend. I would be busy with school and even though I wanted to spend some time with him, it would be better if it was after school was over.

"Yeah, well…" A smile slowly snuck into his features. "She wrote me a letter," he said and stuck his hand in his pocket. He pulled out a paper folded into a small square and handed it to me, blushing.

Edward was blushing.

He was also carrying his daughter's letter with him... in his pocket.

My stomach knotted as I carefully unfolded the paper. It was more a drawing than a letter. There was a little girl wearing a pink dress holding hands with a grown-up who I assumed was Edward — there was a soccer ball next to his foot. Flowers and birds adorned the page with a big rainbow on top. My eyes watered. The clouds holding the rainbow had smiley faces on them.

"Edward, this is so precious." I smiled and he turned to face me. I handed him back the drawing and he neatly folded it and put it back in his pocket.

"So, are you okay with me going?"

"Of course. I know she's a part of your life, and she loves you and needs you. How could I not be okay with it?"

He didn't say anything but he was looking intently into my eyes and smiling.

"Stop," I said, grabbing his hand and looking down, because I could sense I was blushing. "I'm serious."

"I am serious too, Bella." I could still feel his eyes on me as he caressed my hand with his thumb. "Okay… I guess you should go back to study. Your friends must be waiting."

"Was that all you wanted to talk about?" I asked, looking up at him.

"Yes…" he said, a little embarrassed. "I know I could have called you or texted you, but—"

"It's okay," I said, without letting him finish.

"I wanted to see you." His confession sounded honest as he looked down.

"I'm glad you came." I couldn't contain my smile.

"I know this might sound a little crazy, but spending those days lost with you… was great… I mean… besides everything."

"I know. It is kind of crazy, but I feel the same way."

"Okay. I guess I should go." He got up from the bench and stuck his hands in his pockets. "I'll see you Friday at that party."

"Really?" I wanted to ask him if we will talk at night but decided against it. I didn't want to sound so needy.

"Yeah," he said and sighed. "Good luck on your exams."

"Thanks. Good luck to you on your trip."

"Thanks." He smiled before he turned around and left.

When I came back in the apartment with a big smile plastered on my face, everyone stared at me for a few seconds, then we went back to what we were studying.

…

I didn't hear from Edward that Saturday. I missed falling sleep talking to him, but I was so tired after studying the whole day, I just passed out on my bed. Sunday was pretty much the same. I think I had just fallen asleep, when my phone vibrated on my bed.

"**Are you awake?"**

The phone only rang once after I pushed the call button.

"Bella…" he answered.

"Hi…" I said, breathing deeply, my eyes still closed.

"I'm sorry. You were sleeping." I could hear his mattress squeak — he was just getting in his bed.

"It's okay," I mumbled. "How did it go?"

"It went really well, Bella." He breathed deeply, and I don't remember much after that.

The rest of the week went in a blur.

These were the times when I regretted double majoring. My days were busy studying and writing final essays, and at night Edward and I would literally pass out talking on the phone. I don't know how he did it, but he would manage to get off bed at six in the morning to go to practice. I couldn't even open my eyes before at least eight.

Finally Friday arrived and I was done with finals and the semester. I took a long, well deserved nap, in preparation for the night — end of classes party and seeing Edward again.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything _Twilight_. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to the lovelies mcc101180 & thir13enth from PTB for their beta skills!

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

EPOV

I wasn't having a good day.

I had been busting my ass at Earl's without taking any breaks just so that I could leave early and go to this party of Bella's. Even though I didn't take any breaks the whole night, my boss still asked me to close. I tried bribing Ian to stay for me, but he had plans already. I couldn't even let Bella know I was going to be late, because I was stupid enough to leave my phone at home.

I had passed out speaking to her the night before (as was usual now) and had trouble waking up this morning, hence the cell phone stayed, connected to its charger, on my nightstand. It was amazing how good it made me feel when I talked to Bella on the phone. Even just hearing her voice calmed me.

I was running on fumes by the end of the week. Last week was tough, and going to visit Mandy last weekend had cut into my recovery time on Sunday. Of course, seeing Mandy was completely worth it, just as I was sure seeing Bella tonight would be worth it too.

After my shift finally ended, I rushed to get home and change. I had hoped to at least take a shower, but I was so late already, I didn't have time. I changed into jeans, a blue button shirt and a black jacket. My hair was a lost cause, so I just put a beanie on. I grabbed my cell from the nightstand and noticed a message from Bella reminding me about the party.

"**I'm on my way. I'm sorry I'm so late. I'll make it up to you,"** I texted her quickly, rushing out the door.

By the time I arrived at the club, Bella hadn't replied to my text. The place was filled with people, so I hoped she was still there. I walked through the crowd, scanning for Bella's beautiful mahogany hair, when I was stopped by a girl who was sitting at a table. She looked familiar. She also looked drunk.

"Hello, Edward," she said and smiled as I recognized her. It was Bella's friend. The one with the glasses. Angela, was it?

"Hi," I said, disappointed that Bella was not right there with her. I was tired and eager to see Bella, so I didn't bother with politeness. "Bella?" The girl lifted her hand and pointed to a big crowd of undergraduates dancing.

There, in that group of people — there she was. The first thing I noticed was her face. She was smiling — she was happy. But before I could smile, I was distracted by what she was wearing.

_Jesus fucking Christ!_

I had to swallow hard.

Bella was wearing a tight white-topped dress with a black bottom. And it didn't have any fucking straps! It looked like it was fucking painted on her. It hugged her curves deliciously. I scanned her dress down, realizing that it stopped on her thighs higher than I'd ever seen on her.

I gulped as my eyes roamed her legs and stopped breathing altogether when I noticed the shoes she was wearing.

_Holy shit! She was wearing black fuck-me pumps._

I was immediately uncomfortable in my pants.

Bella looked like sex.

She wasn't dancing in a provocative way though. She just looked like she was having fun. She was jumping around and laughing. She was the most adorable, quirkiest, sexiest thing I'd ever seen in my life. I was about to approach her, when I noticed the guy that was dancing with her, or behind her, for that matter. He was way too close for my liking, and he was hovering all over her. Once his hands moved to her hips, I lost it.

"What the fuck is he doing?" I said louder than I meant to. I didn't realize I was grabbing the chair as hard as I was until my knuckles started screaming in protest. I let go of the chair and attempted to go get Bella away from that drunken asshole. That was when her friend grabbed me by my elbow.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Give me a fucking break, would you?"

"She's just having fun, c'mon."

"What would you suggest I do?" I said through my teeth, letting more anger than I wanted to show.

"Just be cool."

"I can't…" I said, breathing deeply.

_Was her friend right?_ I thought, trying to relax. What was I going to do? Yank her away from that guy? Like a possessive abusive boyfriend? I needed to be better than that. What did I expect her to do? To sit here by herself, without dancing, until I arrived four hours late? I was livid with myself. I walked out of the club to smoke a cigarette in hopes of calming down.

This whole taking it slow and being friends first was gradually killing me. I was tired of it. I needed to start being forward with her. Was she waiting for me to make a move? I wanted to respect her choice of going slow, as much as I could handle anyway.

_But what if someone else came along? _

_What if she likes that drunken asshole? _

I wanted Bella, in every way. I wanted to kiss her and take her out to dinner. I wanted to fall asleep talking to her every night. I wanted to hear her talk passionately about her classes. I wanted her under me screaming my name in pleasure. Shit, I've never wanted anyone so much in my life. I needed Bella. I finished my smoke and went back in, feeling more relaxed.

Bella wasn't dancing anymore. She was at the bar with the drunken asshole who was asking for drinks. She was just standing there looking a bit out of it. She even looked a little sad. I walked to the table where her friend was. After the guy got the drinks, he and Bella were coming back to the table too. When Bella saw me, her eyes lit up and the smile that appeared on her face was grand and earnest, and it made my heart swell.

"Edward!" she squealed and hugged me.

"Hey," I said, returning the hug. I hid my face in her neck and hair and enjoyed her smell. I would have liked to enjoy her hug more, but when I opened my eyes, I noticed the drunken asshole was still staring at her ass. It was seriously pissing me off.

"What took you so long?" Bella said, awkwardly loud. "Do you want to dance with me?" She grabbed my hand.

"Can we talk first? I'd lik—"

"I'll dance with you, gorgeous," the drunken asshole interrupted me, grabbing Bella's other hand. Bella looked at the guy and then turned to face me.

"I'd like to talk to you, Bella," I said through a tight jaw, trying not to push the asshole off of her. Bella smiled at me and nodded.

"Sorry," she said to the other guy.

With her hand still in mine, we walked outside. Bella was tipsy and stumbling.

"How can you walk in those things?" I said, helping her down the stairs.

"Apparently I can't," she said, giggling. She was tipsy, all right. She was looking at me with her eyes almost shut, but she kept smiling at me widely.

"I'm sorry, okay?" I started, getting closer to her. "I'm… um… I couldn't get out earlier. I tried, but… um… I'm really sorry I'm late." I grabbed the side of her face with my hand and caressed her cheek with my thumb. She closed her eyes. "The whole day I've been thinking about seeing you," I whispered. Our faces were close. I wanted to kiss her so bad. She opened her eyes and licked her lips and then her teeth attacked her bottom lip. I was pretty sure she wanted to kiss me too. "Do you want to dance with me?" I asked her, and she nodded.

Bella and I went back inside. As soon as we got in, she walked in front of me to the dance floor. She turned around, grabbing me by my jacket, and pulled me closer. She started swinging her body to the music. She knew the song and was singing the words. I had no idea what song it was. I didn't care either. I was overwhelmed by Bella. By having her so close. The way she smelled. The way she looked. The shape of her shoulders and her collarbone. She was exquisite. It was distracting. She was laughing then. I didn't know why.

"C'mon, Edward," she said, pulling me closer. "Have some fun! Lighten up!"

I realized I wasn't really dancing but standing, ogling her, while she moved against me. I grabbed her hips then and started moving with her. She smiled and bit her bottom lip. She turned around then and pressed her back to my chest. She also lifted her hands up as she danced. I kept one hand on her hip and pushed her hair away from her neck with the other one. The heels she was wearing must have been at least five inches tall, because her head was much closer to my face than usual, which was perfect for me to get my face on my favorite spot on her neck.

"You look stunning tonight, Bella." My nose was touching her ear as we danced. I heard her giggle and then she turned around. "I love those shoes," I said, and I did.

"At least it's easier to dance on them than to walk. Weird, right?" She smiled. A new song started and she jumped. "Oh I love this song!"

The next time she turned to press her back to me again, I had to hold her away from my hard-on. She was driving me crazy. We danced for a while, until she said she wanted to get another drink.

I went to the bar and asked for a rum and Coke for me and a Coke for her. I wanted her to sober up. I wanted to talk to her. This going-slow plan was not going to work for much longer. I handed her the Coke, and she started drinking it without noticing it didn't have alcohol. I smiled. We were almost at the table, when the guy she was dancing with before came closer to her again.

"Want to dance, babe?" the asshole said, leaning toward her. He was very obviously drunk.

"You really can't take a hint, huh?" I said, getting in front of him, keeping Bella behind me. Bella laid her head against my back. I knew she was very dizzy.

"Dude, get out of my way," the guy said, but I ignored him and turned around to help Bella stay up.

Luckily Angela came closer, taking Bella's hand. "Please, Bella. Go back to the table," I whispered in Bella's ear. She nodded and walked away with her friend.

"Hey! Where you going?" the guy asked, and I stepped forward, closer to him. "I'm not going to say it twice," the guy said, warning.

"Look, just leave her alone," I said, when the guy tried to punch me. But he was drunk and I was fast, so I easily avoided the hit. "I don't want to fight you, man." I tried to stay calm, raising my palms to him.

"Edward?" Bella was behind me again. I turned around to her, and the asshole hit me first in the stomach and then on my face.

…

Bella, Angela, and I were sitting outside after we had been kicked out of the club. Bella was sitting next to me, half asleep, with her head on my shoulder. I was cleaning the blood from my lower lip.

"How were you guys planning to go home?" I asked Angela, who didn't appear to be as drunk as Bella.

"We were going to call a cab, but given my friend's condition, I thought it was best to call someone to pick us up. I already called him," Angela said, looking at me.

"Oh, okay," I said and caressed Bella's hair. I gazed down at Bella's arm and noticed she had goose bumps. I got my jacket off, put it over her shoulders and held her again. Angela was staring at me as I saw Jacob's car approach us behind her.

_Of course._

Jacob didn't look happy to see me either.

"What happened?" Jacob asked Angela, clearly upset.

"Um, nothing. Let's just go, Jacob," she said.

"Is she okay?" Jacob asked me.

"Yes," I started apologetically. "She just had too much to drink."

"Nice work, asshole." Jacob grabbed Bella's arm, waking her up. I stood up and faced him; my hand flew automatically to his chest. He could say anything he wanted about me, but I would not let him manhandle Bella.

"Just be careful, okay? She's dizzy," I said to Jacob through my teeth. He looked me in the eyes and huffed, but he loosened his grip on Bella's arm and helped her walk to the car.

"Nooooooo…. I want to keep dancing!" Bella complained as Jacob put her in the car.

"Don't worry. I'll tell him it wasn't your fault," Angela told me. "I'm sorry for giving you a hard time before. You're a good guy, Edward, and Bella is crazy about you," Angela said and got in Jacob's car. They left as I walked to the bus stop.

…

I was exhausted, and I probably should have gone back home, but I couldn't. I needed to know if she was fine, and I doubted she would be able to answer the phone if I called or texted her. Who knew if she even had her cell on her? As I got to her house, Jacob was coming out of her front door.

"I just wanted to see if she was okay," I said to Jacob.

"She's fine," Jacob said. "She's asleep."

"Um… oh… oksy… thanks," I said.

"Whatever," Jacob said and turned around to leave.

In my opinion, Jacob needed to give me a fucking break. He was starting to get on my nerves, that kid. I could understand he had feelings for her, but if he wanted to be her friend, he needed to accept her choices. And as long as she wanted me here, I was not going anywhere.

"Jacob?"

He stopped walking without turning around.

"I know you care about her, and you are a good friend to her. But I just want you to know that I do care about her too."

Jacob faced down, his back still to me.

"I know that I hurt her, but as long as she'll let me, I plan to make it up to her."

He was not acknowledging me in any way, but at least he wasn't walking away, so I continued.

"She cares about you too. So we should at least try to be civil around each other."

Jacob turned around with one eyebrow raised. Even though he was trying to put up a tough expression, the hurt look in his eyes was obvious.

I extended my hand to him. "No hard feelings?"

It took him a couple of seconds, but he shook my hand.

"Don't hurt her again," Jacob warned, before he turned around and left.

I sat down on Bella's front steps. I wasn't quite ready to go home yet. I'd been trying so hard to deserve Bella's chance at starting over. But it didn't make it any easier to be home by myself. Talking to her at night helped me so much. Bella had completely changed my life in so many ways. When I was about ready to stand up and leave, my phone vibrated in my pocket.

"**You did make it up by dancing with me." **Bella texted me, replying to my earlier text. I smiled but she texted me again before I could text her back.

"**Can you let me know when you get home so I know you're all right?"** I kept on smiling like an idiot at her text as I typed back.

"**I'm at your door."**

A couple seconds later, I heard her steps approaching the door. She opened the door smiling. She was still wearing her dress and my jacket, but she was barefoot now. She had her hair tied up in one of the messiest ponytails I have seen on her yet.

"Hi," I said, smiling. She grabbed my hand and walked me in. I closed the door behind us, and she walked me to her bedroom. She sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me closer by my belt.

"Bella," I said, really not knowing what was going on. She was sitting on her bed, smiling at me with her eyes half shut, pulling at my belt. All I wanted to do was take her right there and right then. But after what happened last time, I needed to be sure it was the right time. And I wasn't sure if Bella was all in it right now. She pulled on my belt again and moved farther up on the bed. I stopped fighting and just leaned over and kissed her. Her lips were anxious against mine, and she was fisting my button shirt.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I asked, now on top of her. I was trying to stay in control. I thought about the first time we had sex. How much out of it I was. I wanted Bella, badly, but I wanted it to be good to her.

"Um-hum," she mumbled, her eyes closing.

"I think you're drunk," I said, breathing hard. I needed her to stop. Her hands were now on my pants, undoing my button fly. Her caress on the skin under my belly button sent shocks up my spine. "I… um… I don't want you to regret this or something…"

"Edward," she slurred, apparently unable to open her eyes.

"Please, can you look at me?" I said softly, holding her face with both my hands. She kept smiling and mumbled something unintelligible before sighing. And that was my cue. I kissed her forehead and inhaled deeply. I rolled to one side and tried to breathe my hard-on down. After a while, she rolled on her side, placing her head on my chest and her hand on my stomach. I kissed her forehead and held her. We were on top of the covers, so I reached for a throw and covered her.

I debated whether to leave or to stay for a while. I didn't know how she would feel if she found me here in the morning. I knew I should leave, but having Bella cuddled up beside me felt so good. I tucked some of her hair behind her ear and caressed her cheek.

_So much for going slow_.

I breathed deeply and decided I should leave. I was about to get off the bed when Bella moaned. I looked at her and she was wrinkling her nose and pouting.

"Hey, you okay?" I asked softly.

"No…" she said with her eyes still closed and her face on the side of my chest.. "The room… is spinning… stop moving."

"Bella…" I smiled. "No one is moving; you are just dizzy." I sat on the bed next to her.

"I think I'm going to be sick." She squeezed her eyes and pinched her nose with her fingers. She sat up with her eyes still closed and started breathing deeply. She opened her eyes then and looked at me. I was still sitting on her bed. "Hi," she said and smiled. But then her smile disappeared and she grabbed her head with her hands and moaned again

"Hey, take it easy," I said, and she opened her eyes and looked at me.

"You are here," she said, smiling.

"Yes, but maybe I should go," I said, standing up. "You should get some sleep, and I should too. I have a game tomorrow at ten." I looked at my watch. "Actually, today at ten." It was four in the morning already.

"Don't go," she said, trying to get up. "I'll just… let me just…" She stumbled out of bed. I was on my feet quickly. But she was able to hold onto the bed and not fall. "I'll just use the bathroom and then we can sleep. I promise. I'll be good if you stay," she said, smiling again.

"Bella…"

"Please?" she asked, looking at me. I just sighed. Bella wanted me to stay. How could I say no if that was exactly what I wanted to do?

She went to the bathroom then, and I snuck out to her kitchen. I felt like I was trespassing, but she needed some water and some ibuprofen. She was still in the bathroom when I came back in the bedroom with a glass and the two pills. I sat on the edge of the bed.

Bella came back out of the bathroom wearing grey sweats and an oversized t-shirt that had an open neck. I had to smile.

"Led Zeppelin?" I asked, looking at her. She just shrugged which made one side of her t-shirt fall mid-arm, exposing her right shoulder. I looked at her shoulder and remembered the way it looked with the dress she was wearing tonight.

And the pumps.

_Jesus, the pumps_.

I had to shake my head to get rid of the image. Bella went around the bed and got in under the covers. "There's some water an ibuprofen for you there," I said and pointed, and she looked at me. I shrugged too.

"Thanks," she said and drank her water and took the pills.

"You coming?" she asked. I lay in bed next to her but on top of the covers. She put her arm on top of my chest and cuddled against my right arm. Her shoulder was still out of her shirt. She had freckles on her shoulder. I closed my eyes, and probably passed out soon after that.

…

"Edward?" I woke up to Bella's sweet voice. I took a deep breath without opening my eyes. "Hey…" Bella said and gently shook me. I opened my eyes and Bella was still cuddled next to me. "What time is your game?"

I looked around. The sun was coming in through the window. _Shit…_

"What time is it?" I asked.

"It's ten after nine," she said, looking at the alarm clock.

"Shit…" I shot up from the bed, trying to brush my hair with my hands.

"What time is your game?" She sat on the bed.

"Damn it! It's at ten. I'm going to be late. I got to go." This suddenly felt too much like the first night we slept together and I stormed out like a coward the morning after. "I'm sorry," I said lamely.

"No… Um, it's okay."

"You want to come?" I asked, looking at her. "Never mind, you just probably want to go back to bed. I know I would." I sighed.

"Okay, that is very annoying, Edward." She rubbed her fingers on her forehead.

"What?"

"You ask me something, then you assume what I'm going to say, and then you just answer yourself. And you are wrong, most of the time." She really looked annoyed.

"I'm sorry?"

"I would love to go to your game." She smiled at me. I looked at her and returned the smile.

"Okay... I have to run home and get my stuff… meet you there?"

"Sure."

"Okay… bye." I rushed out the door, but it felt so wrong leaving like that. I turned on my heels and came back. She was still sitting on the bed. I gave her a soft and quick kiss on her cheek and stormed back out.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything _Twilight_. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to the lovelies mcc101180 & thir13enth from PTB for their beta skills!

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

EPOV

Shit. I was so late.

It was almost ten and the game was about to start. I was running to the locker rooms, hoping the jog from home to the field would serve as enough of a warm up.

Today was the last game of the qualifying round for the local league I played in. My ribs were not bothering me anymore, so I was going to play the entire game. I had been training hard for the past two weeks looking forward to this game. I can't believe I overslept and almost missed it.

We were playing a team from Upstate. We had enough points to qualify for the next round, even with a draw. I knew I had to be one hundred percent focused on this game, but I couldn't get Bella out of my head. Bella and her Led Zeppelin t-shirt. Bella and the freckles on her shoulder.

I had to stop running and take a deep breath. I was tense. I was on edge and sadly very, very horny. Thinking about Bella sleeping next to me was not helping the situation.

_All right,_ _snap out of it, Cullen!_ I tried to calm down as I entered the locker rooms.

Usually my teammates would be doing their own thing right before the game — everyone had their own superstitious ritual. But that was not the case today. Everyone was freaking out.

"Shit! Cullen! I thought you weren't not make it!" Ian approached me as I was getting my cleats and shin guards on.

"I'm sorry I'm late… What's going on?" I looked around, feeling the tense edge on everyone.

"Allan Jessup," Ian explained. "He works for Mr. Backe." Once I heard the name, it all clicked in my head. "He said Mr. Backe might come for the end of the championship… maybe even for quarterfinals!"

I took a deep breath now understanding the mood of the rest of my team. Of course they were nervous. Allan Jessup was the talent scout for one of the biggest teams in the area. The fact that he was even considering watching over this qualifying game was pretty amazing to begin with. I started feeling a little short of breath, so I took my inhaler out of the bag and took two pulls. I dumped the inhaler back into the gym bag and tried to relax.

…

I stood in front of the ball, waiting for the whistle, jumping high knees to pump my energy and make up for not having warmed up.

_Allan Jessup for fuck's sake!_

This could change everything. I scanned the bleachers and saw him right away. I didn't have time to freak out because two rows behind him — in what could possibly be the sexiest denim skirt and white tank top outfit — looking right at me, smiling under her gigantic sunglasses, was Bella.

Bella and the freckles on her shoulder… I couldn't actually see the freckles from here, but I knew they were there… oh did I know. I had almost memorized every single one of them. I wanted to plant little kisses on each one of them.

_Jesus!_

Thankfully, the ref blew the whistle and put me out of my misery.

Once the game started, we had control of the ball. As the central midfielder, most of the plays depended on me, and I was having a good game so far. I was focused on the game and giving it my all.

We had a couple of chances that were very close to being goals, but their goalie seemed to be on top of it. At around the twenty-fifth minute, one of the Upstate players tackled me from behind. I went down grabbing my ankle. It stung like a mother, but it didn't feel broken. I knew I'd had worse. The sucker at least got a yellow card, and I was getting a free kick.

I stood up quickly, not wanting to waste time. I took some careful steps to test my ankle. It didn't hurt too much, so I grabbed the ball and placed it for the kick. I crossed the ball over the defenders' line, and Tony, one of the strikers on my team, headed the ball through the goalie's gloves right into the net in the upper right corner. And just like that, we were winning 1-0.

After our goal, the Upstate jerks started attacking more. And I knew we didn't have the strongest defense. We started making mistakes and they almost tied a couple of times. I kept on yelling at Ian and Riley, but they kept leaving spaces in the middle. I started playing back, trying to help with the defense, which pretty much meant we were down on offense.

I was frustrated and angry but trying to stay focused. Toward the end of the first half, Riley meant to clear the ball but missed horribly. Number nine from Upstate didn't waste the chance and the first half ended 1-1.

_Shit_…

I walked to Riley on our way out and patted him on the back. "Let's focus, man… we've got this." He kept looking down.

Once inside the locker rooms, I grabbed a bottle of water to drink. My mouth was dry, but I knew better than to drink too much. I wiped my mouth with the sleeve of my shirt and tried to calm my breathing. After a couple deep breaths, I was able to address my team.

"Okay, guys… We need to keep control of the ball!" I was still panting, but at least I was able to finish sentences. "Ian and Riley." They both looked at me. "You need to keep up with number nine… he has way too much space on the right! Just push him back and keep him offside!" I took a few more breaths before continuing, "Let's try to stay close behind and go for a counter attack. C'mon, guys, we've got this!" I tried to cheer them up.

I knew we were not the most skilled team, but if there was something we were, was committed, and we were not going to give up. I took the inhaler from my bag and took two more pulls. I had my breathing mostly under control, but I didn't want to risk it.

We started discussing some more strategies until it was time to get back out. On my way out, I looked up at the bleachers again and noticed that Bella had moved to the front row. I gave her a little smile and she waved. I turned my head quickly, before my mind started going crazy on her or her freckles.

The second half started and Upstate seemed to be trying to score more aggressively. There were more fouls than the first half, and although we tried hard but kept losing more and more control of the ball. I kept encouraging my teammates to try to do better. I couldn't deny the upstate team was more superior than us. In the 72nd minute, they scored again; the number nine striker was all by himself and he put it through with a nice footer.

"Damn it!" I rested my hands on my knees to catch my breath. We were now losing 2-1, and that was enough to leave us out of the championship.

How easy would it have been to just give up, say fuck it all, and let the game go? Just like that. I mean, I was exhausted — I was basically already running on fumes. But I couldn't, I just couldn't. All my life I'd always given up one way or another. But not today, this was my chance. My chance to try to deserve Bella. My chance to get something for myself. If Bella had faith in me, maybe I was worth something after all.

I snapped out of it and approached Ian.

"C'mon, Ian… Don't let him get to you!" I told him. He was panting and probably as tired as I was. "He's getting through you from the right. Let Riley block the middle, and don't give him space! I'm going to try to get the ball from the middle and start pushing the attack some more."

Ian started playing better, and Riley was keeping his ground too. We needed to attack more so I was trying to push us forward. However, in a counterattack play, in the 86th minute, the Upstate team scored again.

"Shit…" I stopped for a moment. I looked at the clock, we were losing 3-1 and we had only five minutes left, plus whatever extra time the ref gave. This just couldn't be happening. Like a switch, something went in my head. There was no Bella, no Mr. Backe, and no fucking Upstate fuckers. It was me, and that clock, and that 3-1. I grabbed the ball quickly while the other team celebrated. We had no time to waste.

I don't even know what I was yelling, but my team seemed to catch my spirit and snapped out of their lethargy. I kept control of the ball from the midfield; I left their midfielder and two defenders behind. Their last defender fouled me, and we got another free kick. This time the angle was perfect for me to kick it all the way in.

_I can do this…_ I thought and kept my focus on the ball. The referee whistled and I crossed the ball straight into the net by the upper left corner. I didn't even celebrate; I ran and got the ball from the net to take to the midfield again.

"C'mon, guys! c'mon!" I yelled to my teammates to get in position again. We now had just one more point to tie.

The referee whistled again, restarting the game. We had about a minute and a half left. I sprinted once more with everything I had. Tony was running close to the goal. I crossed the ball for him, but one of the blue defenders cleared it for a corner kick. I quickly took the ball and placed it for the corner kick. I signaled with my arm for everybody on my team to come forward. Only thirty seconds on the clock. The referee whistled once more and I crossed straight into the goal area. Tony headed the ball once more into the net.

I couldn't really hear the crowd, but I guess there might have been cheering. I didn't even hear the final whistle ending the game 3-3, and officially qualifying us for the championship. I tried to squeeze out of hugs and pats on my back and my head. My eyes were on Bella as I started running toward the bleachers. She was clapping and cheering.

"That was ama—" Bella started to say but couldn't finish because my lips were on hers. I kissed her like I had wanted to kiss her for long, without holding back. I knew I was dirty and sweaty from the game, and I was hoping she didn't mind. She grabbed the back of my head and pulled at my hair, pressing her body against me, which made me think she didn't mind after all. As much as I hated myself for doing it, I had to break the kiss for some air. I was panting so I took a step back and smiled at her; she was blushing the most adorable shade of red.

"I… um…" I started between breaths, looking down. "Sorry," I said, without meaning it.

"That was amazing!" she blurted. "I mean… the game… the game was amazing, not the kiss…" she stammered. "Not that the kiss wasn't amazing… I mean… crap," she said, looking down. I had to smile at her rambling.

"I'll go hit the showers. Okay?" I touched her arm, thrilled about the effect I had on her. She looked up, embarrassed and still blushing. "Wait for me?" She nodded, so I headed for the locker rooms.

…

Everyone inside the locker rooms was excited. How we had managed to turn around that score, I didn't know, but the truth was that everyone felt pretty fucking good about it. The adrenaline was still running through me and I had to admit, I hadn't felt like this since… well honestly, I didn't recall ever feeling like this.

I rushed through my shower, eager to get back to Bella. I was getting my stuff in my bag when Ian came with some ice packs.

"Nice game today, Cullen," Ian said, handing me the ice packs.

"Thank you, Ian. You too. Um, I'm skipping the ice today." I waived them off, zipping my bag.

"Oh, okay," he said as I stepped around him. "Someone's going to be sore tomorrow."

"I'll see you tomorrow at practice," I said as I headed for the door.

"Where's the fire, Cullen?" someone shouted after me right before I made my exit, but I ignored them, not wanting to be deterred.

I walked into the parking lot and saw Bella waiting leaning against what I assumed was her car. I started walking toward her, but someone intercepted me.

"Great game, Mr. Cullen." A bold guy extended his hand at me. "Allan Jessup."

It took me a second to realize who was shaking my hand.

_Alan fucking Jessup_.

"Thank you, sir."

"May I have a word with you?" Mr. Jessup asked me, and I just looked at him, surprised.

"Sure," I managed to say and followed him, walking away from the entrance. I looked up to Bella and signaled her to wait for a bit. She nodded.

"I'm sure you know I work for Mr. Backe and the Sounders," Mr. Jessup said.

"Yes, sir." Of course I knew who he worked for. I was struggling not to sound too star struck.

"I'm also on the recruitment committee for our NPLS team," Mr. Jessup said and I nodded. "Do you have any representation?"

"No, sir."

"Weren't you going to try out for the athletic club?" He asked. I just nodded again and looked at the ground. "And? What happened?"

"Well…" _Fuck my life…_

"You failed their drug test, correct?" he said, reading from his notes.

"Yes, sir." I kept looking down.

"Listen, I really shouldn't say this," Mr. Jessup started, and I looked at him. "But you have amazing skills and impressive determination. I saw you today out there, Cullen, and I got to tell you, I was impressed."

_Holy fucking shit_.

Mr. Jessup was impressed with me… me!

"Are you clean now?" he asked.

"Yes, sir." I wanted to say that I had been clean for three years, as I would have proudly said before, but now that would have been a lie.

"We have tryouts Wednesday at three p.m.… is that something you would be interested in?" he asked, giving me a card.

"Of course, sir," I said, grabbing the card.

"See you there then. Don't screw this up!" Mr. Jessup warned and shook my hand again. "It was nice to meet you, Mr. Cullen," he said and walked away. I had to take a deep breath_. _

_Is this really happening? _

I took another breath and put the card in my pocket. I stuck my hands in there too, to keep them from shaking as I walked to Bella.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

BPOV

_Edward kissed me after his game._

My fingers traced my lips as I waited for him in the parking lot. I wanted to talk to him, needed him to kiss me again. I wanted to spend time with him — quality time — without anything horrible happening.

I saw Edward come out and head my way, but he was stopped by someone. Edward looked at me and signaled with his finger for me to wait and I nodded. Edward talked to the guy for a couple minutes and then he started walking back to me. He was wearing khaki shorts and a dark blue shirt. His hair was still wet and his cheeks were flushed. He looked delicious.

"Hi," he said, coming closer with a crooked smile. I pushed my sunglasses up to rest on top of my head. He looked nervous or maybe excited; I wondered if something happened with that guy.

"Hey," I said, trying to disguise the fact that I was melting for him in his khakis. "What's wrong? Who was that guy?"

"There is nothing wrong for a change, Bella," he said and kept on smiling. "Actually everything is good… way good." Was he actually happy? This was a first.

"Oh, I'm glad then." I couldn't take my eyes off of him. His green eyes were dark with some emotion I hadn't seen on him before. My teeth automatically bit down on my bottom lip. "So…" I tried to get something out. He was standing there, looking gorgeous, and emanating some kind of energy that had me almost dizzy. He looked like he was debating on what to say.

"So, before I tell you who that guy was, there is something I would like to say first," he finally started to talk, dropping his gym bag on the floor.

"Okay," was all I managed to say.

"Well, I am actually not sorry that I kissed you," he said, which I assumed referred to the panty-dropping kiss he gave me after his game.

"Edward," I said and I had to look down to get my focus back. Why would he be sorry about that kiss?

"Listen, let me get this out," he started again, so I looked back at him. He seemed really nervous. "I am not sorry that I kissed you, at all," he continued. "I haven't felt this way in a really long time, Bella. I am actually… happy, and you have played a major role in that." He came closer to me and I had to grab hard at my sides because my hands were aching to touch him. "I know you said you wanted to take things slow. And so did I. And for that I am sorry, because I don't know how much more of slow I can take. I really…" He came even closer still, his legs on each side of mine, "really…" His face was so close to mine our noses were almost touching, "really want to kiss you right now." I had to remember how to breathe. He was standing very close and I was just melting for him. "May I?" he whispered, and I just nodded and his lips were on mine.

He kissed me against the car, and like earlier, my hands were pulling at his hair and I was pressing my body to his. He tasted heavenly. He grabbed the side of the car for support, and I could feel him getting harder in his shorts. He pulled back panting and I had to take a couple deep breaths myself.

With his eyes still closed, he rested his forehead on mine. "Thank you," he whispered wholeheartedly, and I was still speechless. He opened his eyes and looked at me, and then he grabbed my face with both hands. "Really… not just for the kiss but for everything."

"You don't have to thank me, Edward," I was finally able to say. "I've had a pretty great time with you too." And it was the truth. I really didn't know where this was going, but I just couldn't deny myself this anymore. I smiled at him shyly, feeling my cheeks burn as they blushed.

He took a deep breath and stepped back. "That guy works for the Sounders," he said, his eyes brightening.

"As in the MLS soccer team?"

"The amateur division, but yes." He smiled. "He wants me to go for trials this Wednesday."

"Oh my God!" I covered my mouth in surprise. This was huge. "That is great news, Edward!" I hugged him and then stepped back again.

"I guess," he said, sticking his hands in his pockets again. I knew he was freaking out. He really wanted this.

"Oh…" I said, excited. "I am so happy for you!" I told him honestly.

"Thank you, Bella," he said, looking down.

I wasn't ready to say goodbye to him yet, but I didn't know how to extend my time with him. As I was trying to come up with a plan, he interrupted my mental plotting. "Do you have plans for the rest of the day?" he asked timidly. And I just melted for him again. I guess I was not the only one who wanted to spend the afternoon together. It was almost one in the afternoon, and I knew he must have been hungry.

"Nope, but I am starving, and I am pretty sure you must be too," I said, getting the car keys from my purse. "Lunch?" I asked, and he nodded.

He grabbed his gym bag and put it on the back seat. As he sat down next to me, I started the car. I looked at him and he was staring. His eyes were wide as he swallowed hard.

"You drive a stick?" he asked and I smiled. "Nice," he said and then just shook his head. Was he blushing?

"Yes," I said, probably blushing as well.

He looked away and stared out the window. With one hand, he was patting his fingers on his knee, and with the other, he was drawing circles on his chest. He looked adorable, but I knew he did this when he was nervous, or anxious, or tense. He probably wanted a cigarette too. I wondered how long it would be until he had one. I had noticed he had been trying to decrease the daily amount of cigarettes he had since we came back from our unfortunate but magical hiking trip.

"Where to?" I asked, trying to lighten the mood.

"Oh, I don't mind. Anywhere you like." He looked back at me and dropped the hand from his chest.

"Do you like Italian food?"

"That's an understatement," he said, smiling.

_Then Ciao's it is_.

Ciao's was a small Italian restaurant I used to go with my dad every Sunday — it was our place. It wasn't too far from the field either so we could be there in no time. I drove quietly, trying not to gawk at Edward. He was quiet on his seat; his hands were between his knees as if he was keeping them from twitching. Each time I changed shifts, his leg would twitch and he would look uncomfortable. It was small but it was definitely there, and it made the corner of my mouth turn up in a small smile. He was also avoiding looking at me. I kept driving, quietly thinking about him in his soccer uniform and wondering about the trials with the Sounders, but mostly about him in his uniform.

We arrived to Ciao's and I turned off the car. When we got out, I heard Edward groan as he stood up. I was dying to ask him what was wrong, but I was hoping it was just indecent thoughts going on his head, so I didn't want to make him uncomfortable.

He opened the door for me and we went inside. We sat on a booth in front of each other. The waitress came and took our orders quickly. My palms were sweaty; I kept rubbing them on my skirt. Edward had his hands on top of the table tapping the edge with his fingers rhythmically. He looked at me and smiled. I guess we were both nervous.

"So…" I started but was interrupted by the waitress who brought our drinks. "Thank you," I said to the waitress and looked back at Edward. I started playing with the straw on my iced tea just to give my hands something else to do. "What are these tryouts like?"

He drank from his water before answering. "It's pretty much like a regular training, except they watch you to see how you do. There's usually a game afterward — a short one between all the prospects."

"Would there be a lot of guys trying out?"

"For the Sounders? My guess would be yes. There would probably be many games going on at the same time."

"And then what?"

"Then they'll ask whoever they liked for a physical test, and probably a drug test as well." He lowered his voice and shook his head slightly.

"Oh," was all I could say. I was curious of course, but I noticed he was uncomfortable so I didn't want to dig on the drugs issue, at least not yet. The waitress arrived at the perfect time with our meals and we dug in immediately. I guess we were hungry after all.

"This is really good," Edward said. "Do you come here often?" He popped another ravioli in his mouth. Could I be jealous of that piece of pasta? Yeah, and I definitely was.

"Not too often. My dad likes this place a lot," I said. "I used to come here with him." I hoped my voice did not show a bit of sadness.

I thought about my dad and how we never came here anymore. I pushed those thoughts out of my head and smiled at Edward who was scrutinizing my face. I don't know if I fooled him or not, he seemed deep in thought. He was slouching a little bit on the chair. I then noticed there were shadows under his eyes. "You look tired," I said, a little worried. Coming to think about it, he probably didn't get the best of sleep the night before, and he had just spent the past two hours running around on the field. Of course he would be tired.

"I'm okay." He shrugged it off. "It's always like this after a game," he explained. "The adrenaline and the excitement wear off, and you are left with just exhaustion." He looked at me and gave me a little smile. His eyes were droopy. I wanted so much to spend more time with him that I didn't think he probably just wanted to go home and rest. "Don't worry, there is still some energy in me." He winked and I just had to smile back.

We finished our meals and walked out of the restaurant. As I approached the car, I was pondering whether or not to ask him to spend the afternoon together. He was walking behind me, and as I turned around, he stuck his hands in his pockets again.

"Do you have to work today?" I was pretty sure he didn't; he had mentioned before Sundays were his days off. He had also said that he'd used them to catch up on sleep. I sighed. "I could drive you home if you want." I had to give him a way out.

"No, um… I don't have to work today, but…" he started.

"Do you want to hang out?" I blurted out, interrupting him, and I guess I didn't have to give him a way out after all. "We could watch a movie at my place," I said like the moron that I was and then just slapped myself in the forehead. "Crap, I'm sorry. I'm such an idiot around you. You are probably tired and want to go home. I'll drive you. Let's go," I rambled, fumbling with my purse trying to find the car keys.

He must have thought I was bipolar. "How I ever find anything in here is beyond me!" I said, starting to get stuff out of the purse. In my haste, I dropped my makeup bag and grunted. He bent down, picked the little bag up, and handed it to me. I was still looking down, at the bag in general, but really trying to hide my frustration.

"Bella," he said. "You're doing that annoying thing where you ask a question and you answer it yourself," he teased, throwing my words from this morning back at me.

"Sorry…" I sighed.

"Can I say something?" he asked timidly, and I just looked at him and nodded. "I would love to hang out with you, Bella. It would be really nice to go watch a movie at your place," he said, tucking some of my hair behind my ears.

"But?" I asked. My ear was still tingling from his touch. He kept his hand on my cheek. There surely was a "but" after that sentence. He was probably exhausted and I was keeping him from resting.

"No buts," he said and smiled.

_Jesus!_ I was lost on him and his green eyes. His hand remained on my cheek still, and I was pretty sure I was blushing.

"Let's go then," I said, trying to regain control of myself.

Edward was coming home with me, and there was nothing wrong with the world today.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything _Twilight_. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to the lovelies mcc101180 & thir13enth from PTB for their beta skills!

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

EPOV

We both got in the car, and I tried to avoid looking at her. Clearly, I needed to regain my composure. I rubbed my eyes with my hands and tried to keep my mind busy. I was exhausted and anxious, and I really needed a cigarette right about now.

Maybe watching a movie with her wasn't the best idea. I wasn't sure I could spend two hours on her couch without falling asleep… or without kissing her or touching her… _Shit…_ I sighed, closing my eyes.

Bella had been driving me crazy since the night before. First with that dress and her fuck-me pumps, then with her Led Zeppelin t-shirt and the freckles on her shoulder, and finally this morning with that denim skirt. It wasn't without difficulty that I had been keeping my hands off of her, well… mostly.

Maybe it was just me being sick, but watching her handle the stick on her car without problems was doing things to my body. I swear my leg would jump on its own every time she changed gears. I had to keep my eyes closed to avoid growing more uncomfortable in my shorts. I tried to relax and started taking deeper, longer, soothing breaths…

…

"Edward?" When Bella touched my hand, my eyes snapped opened. I looked at her while taking a deep breath, realizing we were already parked in front of her house.

_Did I fall sleep? Shit…_

"Sorry…" I smiled apologetically at her and ran a hand down my face.

_I am such an idiot._

"We are here," she said and started biting her bottom lip. I knew she was probably worrying about me. "Maybe we should just—"

"I'm fine. Let's go." I cut her off, opening the door. My legs were sore already, and after sitting for a while, getting up was a little painful. A soft groan might have escaped from my lips.

"Edward," she said, joining me outside the car. "We don't have to…"

"I want to…" I walked around the car closer to her.

I did want to, so badly. I knew I was exhausted, but I had pushed through much worse for many times. And honestly, I didn't give a damn. _What is a little soreness if I get to spend the day with her?_ She seemed to want to spend time with me too, and I did not want to waste this opportunity.

"Can we just… go for a walk first?" I needed to wake up.

"A walk?" she asked, confused.

"Yeah, there's a creek behind your house, right? And a trail?"

"Yes, but maybe you should—"

"Would you like to? Take a walk with me?" I said, ignoring her concerns. "I promise we'll stay on the trail." _As opposed to letting you fall down and getting lost for two days in the woods, _I added in my head and winked at her.

"I'm not worried about _that_," she said, giggling. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, c'mon." I grabbed her hand.

"Sure, let me just leave my bag home, okay?" she said. "Be right back."

I sighed and watched her enter her house. Out of habit, I felt my pockets and grunted when I realized I had my cigarettes with me.

_Maybe it will just help me clear my head and wake up_, I thought, taking the pack out.

I looked at my watch: it was three p.m. I hadn't had a cigarette since after two this morning. I did the math in my head… _13 hours, what a wuss!_ I thought, lighting the cigarette. Relief washed through me immediately, and I inhaled hard.

Bella came out of her house shortly after. "I was wondering how long that would take," she said, coming closer to me.

"I'm sorry," I said, but took another drag.

"It's okay." She shrugged and started walking.

"No, it's not," I said with a sigh. "Don't lose your faith in me, please." I couldn't have her give up on me too. I was going to quit smoking. I had already decreased how much I smoked daily.

She turned around to face me. "I know it's hard to quit. You've been smoking less and less since we came back from our hiking… um, trip. I know you are trying. I still have faith in you."

"Thank you," I simply said, smiling at her. I grabbed her hand again and started walking down to the creek.

…

"Would you tell me about your family?" I asked, after we had been walking for a couple minutes. I was still curious and wanted to get to know her more.

"What do you want to know?" she said, looking at me.

"When you speak of your father, you sound sad somehow," I said cautiously, trying not to be too intrusive. "I know he is alive. I'm alive because of him, so I was just wondering how's your relationship with him?" I said and looked at her, but her sad expression had me backtracking. "I'm sorry. We don't have to talk about that."

"No, it's okay. I'm just surprised you picked up on that," she said, looking down. "My dad is great. Growing up was awesome, really. I feel very lucky I had a wonderful childhood." She paused and looked at me. I was just waiting for her story. There was obviously something going on with her and her father, but it was so Bella to start with the positive.

"So I don't really know when things started to go wrong, but then my parents divorced, and my dad, well…" She stalled. She looked at me again. I caressed her shoulder, trying to comfort her. She seemed to be getting upset. "Wow… I haven't told this to anyone," she said, and before I could stop her, she started again. "I think he has a drinking problem. I mean, I don't know really. It's not like he drinks every day, but when he does, he loses control of himself. So he would disappear for weekends sometimes. I was completely clueless because my mom would lie to me about it, saying he was at a conference or something. I feel sad because now he is alone, and I think he is depressed, but he doesn't let anybody in. He always tells me everything is fine, so I don't know how to really help him, you know…" Her eyes were filling with tears as she spoke.

"I'm sorry, Bella, I didn't mean to…" I said, reaching for her. I just wanted to kick myself for bringing this up and making her cry.

_What a douche…_

"It's fine. I'm being silly. I'm fine," she said, wiping her tears and giving me a small smile. "It's just that… when I started confronting him about his drinking, he completely shut me out. And I think he's getting worse and worse. I guess it's just frustrating not being able to help him, but he has to realize he has a problem first, right? That's what they say," she said, still looking at me.

"He has to want to get help first, yes," I said, saddened by her tears, but happy to know a piece of her. "You are quite the caretaker, aren't you?" Her eyelashes were still wet as she shrugged. "You are too good for me, Bella," I stated the obvious as I dropped on the stump that was there.

"Don't say that," she said, sitting next to me. "Edward?" She bit her lip in hesitation. "Do you want to get help?"

Stunned by her question, I turned to look at her and the tears that were still in her eyes. Her words hit me like a thousand stabs to the gut.

"Bella…" I grabbed her face, wiping her tears. "You already help me… so much."

"I do?"

"Yes, you do. You calm me, Bella. You make it better. You… you do things to me… You… you make me feel… I… I…" I had to clear my throat to avoid the three words that were burning to get out.

_How selfish of me would it be to tell her that I love her?_ I couldn't do that. Not before she knew what she was really dealing with first. I let go of her face, trying not to say too much. I had to be honest with her, for a change.

"I messed up, Bella," I started and hung my head in both hands. "I relapsed," I said and I couldn't look at her. "That night at the hospital, after Masen and everything, when I told you to leave, I just gave up. I needed you to go because I wanted to use again, and I used while I was in jail as well," I confessed.

I waited to see if she said anything, but she was giving me time to keep going. "I tried to have things under control, but I was still taking morphine that night when you told me you wanted to give me a chance. I felt like shit because there you were, having faith in me, and I was fucking using again." I breathed hard, almost spitting the words. "I stopped that same night, cold turkey," I finally said and breathed, relieved to have her know the truth.

I dropped my hands to my thighs and tapped my fingers impatiently. The pressure on my chest was coming back and hitting me hard. "I'm so sorry for not telling you this before," I said. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it, showing me support— support that I most definitely did not deserve.

"That was the night before we went hiking," she guessed. She knew there was something else going on. I just nodded. "The pain that you had… all those symptoms… they weren't just because of your ribs," she stated instead of asking. I shook my head.

"I'm sorry you had to see that, Bella," I said and hated myself for it all over again. The pressure in my chest was getting more than uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that. I should have stayed with you that night at the hospital… you had been through so much. You were only trying to protect me. I shouldn't have left you alone," she said, and her eyes were filling with tears again.

"Do not do that!" I got up, letting go of her hand. "None of it was your fault. It was all me, Bella. Do not think for a second that you are in any way responsible for any of this shit!" How classic of Bella that she would blame herself.

"I'm sorry," she said and looked down.

"I understand if you need time to think things through…" The words hurt just hearing them in my head. My chest was starting to ache. This is it; this is where she finally walks away.

"I don't need time, Edward. If you want me around, I'm not going anywhere," she said, leaving me speechless again. I had to rub my hand on my chest to relieve some of the pressure. It didn't help very much.

She looked at my hand on my chest and stood up. "Let's keep walking, or we'll never get to the creek," she said as if trying to distract me, as if she knew I was falling apart. "You can have another cigarette if you want to, Edward," she suggested as I still did not relax. "Do you think this is the best time to quit smoking too?"

"I have to," I started. "My breathing capacity is bad as it is. For the tryouts with the Sounders, they can't know I smoke. I can't…"

"You said they'll do a drug test too…" she probed timidly.

"Yes, but it's been over two weeks. It should come out clean."

"So then it will," she said and smiled. I tried to smile back at her and continued to walk.

…

Once we arrived at the creek, we sat on a rock that overlooked the falls. Bella sat with her legs crossed. I stretched my legs in front of me. The place was really beautiful and calming. The sound of the birds chirping and the water falling was very soothing.

"This is what weekends should be all about." I sighed.

"Yeah."

"When did life get so complicated and busy?"

"I guess when we stopped being kids." She smiled.

"Right," I said sarcastically, looking down. My childhood was not very different from my life now.

"Would you tell me about yours?" she asked, as if reading my mind. I knew she was trying to get to know me too. I didn't want to talk about my childhood, since those were definitely not happy memories. But she had shared with me so much; getting to know her involved her knowing me as well. And I really wanted her to know me.

"Oh, where to start," I joked without excitement. She grabbed my hand and placed it, palm up, on her knee. Then she started drawing circles in my palm with her finger. "I never met my father, so there's nothing really to say about him, except that he left when I was born," I started. I closed my eyes and enjoyed her touch and its calming effect.

"So it was just you, Masen, and your mom?" she encouraged.

"Yes, for a while. My mom was a musician, I guess you can say. She sang and played the piano. She would teach piano lessons and sing at some bars, and that was how we got by." I remembered the last time I heard my mother play before she had to sell the piano. I had to breathe deeply to continue. "Masen had to work too… so that I could stay in high school," I said and looked at Bella. "See, my mom wasn't very consistent with work." Bella looked deep in my eyes. "She was a drug addict too."

"Edward, you are not a drug addict," Bella whispered. And I should have guessed she would say something like that.

"Oh, Bella, yes I am. In recovery, maybe, but I can't even promise you that I won't use ever again. I mean, I'll try my damn hardest not to…I'll fight it every single day, probably for the rest of my life. But it would be foolish of you to think that I am not an addict, because that's exactly what I am." I took my hand from hers. I felt at a loss instantly. My hand was aching to be back on hers. I was in so deep already.

"Did she pass away?" Bella graciously changed the subject from my addiction to my mother.

"No, but she is dead to me," I said bluntly, standing up. Too many memories were coming at once. The pressure on my chest hit me hard and left me out of breath. I rubbed my hand on my chest in vain. I picked up some rocks and started throwing them at the creek. I was too on edge, and my hands were shaking.

_Fuck it…_ I felt my pocket and took a cigarette out.

"Edward," Bella said behind me, but I ignored her. I heard her stand up and walk closer to me. I had the cigarette in between my lips and the lighter in my hand. "Don't," she whispered and grabbed my shoulders, disarming me completely. I sighed, looking to my feet. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you anxious. I just wanted to get to know you better," she explained, still behind me with her hands on my shoulders. The relief her touch gave me was immediate and far-reaching. It made everything bearable.

"I know," I said, turning around. She dropped her hands to her sides. "I want us to get to know each other better too. It's just… some things are really hard to talk about. Can you give me some time? I do want you to know me," I said, putting the cigarette back in the pack.

"Of course," she said and smiled. We sat back down on the rock. She started playing with a wood stick and decided to share some more.

"My mom smoked… a lot," Bella said quietly. She was looking down; her hair was hiding her face from me.

"Did she quit?" I asked her, hoping I could find some inspiration in her story.

"No," she said, and her voice cracked. I saw a couple of drops falling on the rock. She was crying and my heart broke. "She passed… two years ago… lung cancer," she said and sniffed.

_Well, fuck my life…_

"Shit! Bella, I'm so sorry," I said, holding her.

_What an inconsiderate dick I am, smoking in front of her and wishing my own mother was dead!_

I held Bella's head on my shoulder while she cried. "Shhh… I am so sorry," I whispered. I wanted to take the pack of cigarettes from my pocket and throw them down the river and promise her I would never smoke again. But I didn't think I was strong enough to make her that promise yet.

"I'm okay," she said, wiping her tears. I moved her hair back to look at her face. "It's okay." She wiped more tears. I breathed deeply and kissed her forehead. I was at a loss for words yet again.

This girl sitting next to me had an alcoholic father and a mother who died of lung cancer, and yet she still approached life with the most positive attitude. She was going to school, double majoring even. She never complained about this before. She didn't feel sorry for herself. Bella was an amazing woman.

We stayed quiet for a while. It seemed we both needed some silence to absorb everything we had shared. When Bella calmed down, we started walking back to her apartment.

We arrived at her door. She got her keys out and looked at me.

"So…" She started biting her lip again. She was going to drive me crazy. I figured she was still worried about me being too tired.

"Is the offer for the movie still open?" I said, interrupting whatever was going on in her head.

"Do you still want to?" she asked with a smile, and her eyes lit up.

"Of course," I said, smiling back at her. "Unless, I mean, if you are busy or have somewhere to go or something, then that's all right."

"No, I'm done with school, remember? So I'm free," she said and smiled, turning to her door. She opened the door, and we both went in. I followed her in and stood by the living room. She walked into the kitchen. "Do you want something to drink? I'm getting some water."

"Water's fine," I said, sitting on the arm of the couch and rubbing my hands on my thighs.

"Are you sure? I have other stuff," she said from her kitchen.

"Okay, what do you have?"

"What do you want?" she asked, peeking her head out and smiling.

_What do I want?_ I thought. _Well, besides kissing you, making love to you, and sleeping next to you?_

"Maybe some coffee?" I said then regretted it. "Or Coke, or whatever, really, water is fine."

She came out of the kitchen and looked at me. She came closer and put both hands on her hips.

"Edward?" she asked, and I looked at her. "Are you trying to get some caffeine in you to stay awake for the movie?" She had seen right through me again. Her eyes showed me mostly concern, but there was something else there I couldn't place. "If you are tired, maybe you should go and rest. I—"

"Can we put a pause on the going slow rule?" I asked, and she looked at me, her eyes widening which had me backtracking. "I mean, for a minute or so. Just so that I can say something, then we can go back to it, if you want."

"Okay," she said, taking her hands off her hips.

I took a deep breath. "Yes, I am tired, and yes, I am sleepy, especially after a big meal like that, but…" I grabbed her hand and pulled her closer to me. "I don't care. I don't want to leave. I want to stay with you. Is that all right?" I asked softly, looking at her. She eyed me while biting her bottom lip.

"Is there some time left on the one-minute pause?" she asked, and now I was the one surprised. I smiled and nodded.

She moved closer to me then, my knees touching her hips. She grabbed my neck and kissed me softly on the lips. My reaction was instant. I grabbed her face with both hands and kissed her back. She pulled on my hair, pressing her body against me. I loved how she did that. I could easily get used to that. I grabbed her by the waist and pulled her even closer. I was so hard for her already it was painful. I kissed her neck, and she moaned, dropping her head back.

"Take me to bed," she whispered in my ear, and my hands froze on her back. She started kissing my ear and licking my neck, and I had to close my eyes. Bella kept kissing me and pulling at my hair, and I couldn't resist her any longer. My hands grabbed her ass, and I pulled her closer to me as I stood up. She wrapped her legs around my waist and kept on kissing me. I couldn't help but think that her panties were the only thing between me and where I wanted to be the most.

My mind was racing as I walked to her bedroom with Bella wrapped around me. We both flopped on the bed with me on top of her. I was trying not to squish her by holding my weight on my elbows. She pulled at the hem of my shirt until she got it off of me. Her hand caressed me from my neck all the way down to the hem of my shorts where my boxers were sticking out. The touch of her fingers on my chest and my abs left a tingling trail. Then she pulled her own white tank top over her head.

She was wearing a red bra, and it was one of the sexiest things I'd ever seen in my life.

Bella's breasts looked perky and beautiful. I remembered looking at her breasts for the first time. She was so beautiful. I couldn't help but think again about the first time we had sex and how it was under the worst conditions possible. I regretted it so much because I felt like I'd used her. I haven't hated myself as much as I had that next morning. I'd always thought if I was lucky enough to be able to be with her again, I had to make it up to her. I needed to stop, but I couldn't get away from her.

"Bella," I said, kissing her neck, and she moaned. "Are you sure about this?"

"Edward, I want you so much, please." She pulled my mouth to her again.

She tasted so good.

I would never be able to get enough of her. Her hands caressed my stomach and went down to my shorts. She started undoing the belt and my button fly. She felt me over my boxers, and I couldn't help pushing my hips against her hand. I needed to do something fast before I wouldn't be able to stop.

"Bella, please…" I tried to clear my head. She moved her hand inside my boxers, and I grabbed her wrist in reflex. My whole body was screaming at me in protest to let her keep going. "Listen, um… Can we… Can we just talk for a second?"

"Talk?" she asked in confussion, frustration coloring her voice.

"Yeah, um… yes," I said, getting some of my weight off of her. I could still feel her heat so close to me. I needed to get up if I wanted to make any sense.

With a grunt, I got off the bed and stood beside her, running a hand through my hair. She lifted herself on her elbows and stared at me. Her cheeks were flushed, and her lips were swollen. Her chest was moving up and down with her breathing. I had to face down to avoid looking at her in her bra, but the sight of my hard-on wasn't helping either, so I stared at the window instead. "I have to apologize for what happened the first time we were together."

"Edward…" She breathed hard, flopping on the bed. "You apologized already!" She groaned in frustration, and I noticed how she pressed her thighs together. She wanted this bad. I almost lost my resolve — almost.

"Please, I… I need to. I am sorry for how I acted before. I was completely inconsiderate of you and your feelings, and I have been hating myself ever since. I hate that our first time together was like that, and under those circumstances."

"Hey, that was my first time, like ever, and I have no complaints," she said and smiled. She probably meant it as an encouragement, but I was wrong when I thought I couldn't hate myself more.

"Y-your first time?" I said and pulled at my hair.

_No way… It just couldn't be… could it?_

"What? How? I mean…"

_I would have noticed, right?_ I tried to remember that night, but it was all foggy. Bella got off from the bed and came closer to me.

"Edward," she said with a hand on my cheek. I closed my eyes to enjoy her touch and to try to digest what she just told me. Bella had lost her virginity to me. No wonder her friend wanted to beat me to a pulp.

"Bella, I… I…" I said, stalling, without enough words to express my atonement.

"It's okay," she said and grabbed my hand. I was at a loss for words. She got on her tiptoes and kissed me and pulled us back to her bed. "I don't want to go slow anymore, Edward." She kissed my neck and my chest. "I want to be with you." She undid the buttons on my shorts.

"Bella, I do too," I said, as my shorts dropped to the floor, grabbing her ass again, pulling her up and wrapping her legs around me. We landed on the bed again, and I grabbed her face with both hands. "Not just like this, Bella, but I want to be with you in every way."

She smiled and kissed me again. Bella wanted me. She wanted to be with me.

_I might be the luckiest son of a bitch alive!_

There was nothing else in my life I wanted more than Bella. I would try my best every day to be good for Bella.

I started undoing the button and zipper on her denim skirt, revealing beautiful matching red panties. I pulled her skirt off her legs and then planted kisses all over her legs. She moaned and twitched.

When I moved closer again, her hands flew to my boxers and started feeling me. I kissed her neck and nibbled her ear as I worked on the clasp of her bra. She moved her hand inside my shorts and put her fingers around my erection. She grabbed me firmly, and my eyes were ready to roll back. I tried to take deep breaths. I needed to calm down. I didn't want this to be over too soon. I would make up for our horrible first night together.

I cupped her breast, and she moaned. Her nipple was instantly hard under my hand. My other hand worked its way down her belly and into her panties.

She was so wet and ready. I tried to take deep breaths. As my finger touched her clit, she gasped and pressed her legs on my sides. I put one finger in her, and she started stroking me. Having her little hand stroke me was too much. She was making the right kind of pressure at the right pace. I tried to take deep breaths, but breathing wasn't helping anymore.

"Bella," I said, and she moaned and kept stroking me. "Bella, baby," I whispered, and she moved her hips against my hand. "Bella!" I groaned. I was so close already. "If you keep that up, I'm going to come on your hand," I released her breast and grabbing her wrist with my hand.

Her hand stopped and released me, and she looked at me with hooded eyes. She was blushing the loveliest shade of red. My dick was painfully screaming at me to let her do what she was doing so well. But I told it to shut up.

"I want to take care of you first," I said, and Bella moved her hips against my hand again. My Bella was so ready for me. I stroked her folds with my finger as my other hand released her wrist and moved back to her breast. I put two fingers in her while my thumb circled her clit. Bella arched her back, and her hands were fisting the sheets on each side of her.

I kissed her neck and nibbled her ear, and she made the most erotic sounds I'd ever heard. I planted kisses all over her collarbone while my fingers were still busy inside her. I kissed every one of the freckles on her shoulder and moved down to her breasts. I continued planting kisses on her body until I reached her panties, and she stopped me with one hand on my shoulder.

"Edward, what are you-?" she said, panting. As my thumb moved around her clit, she kept pressing her hips against my hand. She looked at me in confusion. I moved closer to her to whisper in her ear.

"Bella, I want to taste you," I said, breathing hard. My dick was straining against my boxers, ready to take her.

"Do you really?" She moaned, closing her eyes.

"Yes, Bella." I continued rubbing her clit. "Would you let me, please?" I kissed her neck.

"Mmm hmm," she said and finally relaxed the hand on my shoulder. I moved down again, and I took my fingers out of her and got rid of her panties. She was still squeezing her thighs together, so there was no room to get my lips on her.

"Bella," I said with a hand caressing her thigh. "Relax, if you feel uncomfortable, just say it and I'll stop, okay?"

"Okay," she said and took a shaky breath. She relaxed her legs, so I pulled them apart and kneeled between them. I had to swallow hard at the sight of her sex. When the tip of my tongue touched her clit, Bella gasped, her hand flew to my shoulders, and her nails dug in my skin.

I stopped and waited to see if she wanted me to stop. After a couple breaths, Bella's hands went back to fist the sheets. I licked her as my fingers pulled apart her folds.

"Oh my god," Bella moaned as I flicked her clit with my tongue. "Edward! Ung!" Bella covered her face with the pillow. My tongue was in her then, and I could feel she was ready for me.

"Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod." I could hear her through the pillow. I needed to make sure Bella was ready for me like I should have our first time. "Edward…" Bella said, letting go of the pillow and pulling at my arms. I released her with my mouth but kept stroking her softly with my fingers. She pulled me closer to her and kissed me.

"I want you inside of me," Bella said into my ear. I breathed hard on her neck as she pulled my boxers off of me. I aligned myself on top of her so that the tip of my dick was right at her entrance. I could feel her heat and her wetness. It was driving me crazy. I searched for my shorts around the bed and took the wrapper out of my wallet.

As I entered her slowly, Bella clenched all around me, gasping. It was almost enough to drive me to the edge. I focused on my breathing and closed my eyes until I was all the way inside of her. And then I was home. Bella was all I needed. Bella was everything I wanted. "You are everything," I said, breathing hard with my forehead on top of hers. Bella moaned and moved her hips against me. I held Bella against me as I kneeled on the bed with her on top of me, ignoring the pain in my thighs. I knew this way would feel better for her. I held her up as I moved in and out of her painfully slow. I breathed in her neck, taking her scent in. I could easily get used to her fruity smell. As I felt her getting used to me, I increased my pace.

"Oh… Edward…" Bella said, hanging her head back.

"Bella… you… you feel so good." I kissed her neck and nibbled her earlobe to try to avoid the moans that were threatening to come out. It was all in vain. I tried to hold on for a while longer, but as I felt her walls clenching, I knew I was going to lose the battle soon.

"Edward!" she screamed with her orgasm, and I followed soon afterward. I moaned into her neck with the ecstasy of my release.

I carefully put Bella down on the bed and flopped next to her with a groan, stretching my legs. I felt Bella move closer to me, and then she was caressing the hair behind my ear with a finger. I closed my eyes and enjoyed her touch. She traced patterns on my shoulders and arms.

"That was amazing," Bella whispered, and I opened my eyes. She smiled at me from her pillow. The sweat had made some of her hair stick to her forehead, and her cheeks were still flushed. She was so beautiful, and she wanted to be with me. I doubted I could get used to that.

"Bella," I said, caressing her cheek, mimicking her moves. "I love you." I couldn't keep the words in anymore. I was afraid it might be too soon, but nothing was going slow anymore. I needed to be honest. I couldn't be away from her anymore. Bella's eyes widened in surprise after my words, but then her smile got bigger and she pulled herself closer to me.

"Edward," she said and kissed me. "I love you too." She hid her face under my neck. "I want to do that again." She giggled.

I knew she'd be the end of me. She'd be the end of my life as I knew it until now. I could never feel sorry for myself again because Bella loved me. Bella trusted me enough to want to be with me after really knowing who I was. I made a promise to myself that night after we made love again. I would fight my hardest to never disappoint her, to be good for her, because she gave me everything just by breathing next to me. And as long as she wanted me around, I would never leave my Bella again.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~


	21. Epilogue

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything _Twilight_. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to the lovelies mcc101180 & thir13enth from PTB for their beta skills!

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EPOV

It had taken us a little over three hours to drive to Portland. Bella was holding my hand as we drove through campus searching for Kenna Hall. She traced circles with her thumb on my palm. She knew I was anxious. She knew how her touch calmed me. She knew me so well.

The University of Portland had a beautiful campus, but I was not able to truly enjoy its beauty. There were too many thoughts in my head, too many emotions in my heart. It was hard to believe I was really here doing this today. I couldn't help but relieve the moments that have taken me here.

After a very fortunate minor league qualification game, I was asked to trials with the Seattle Sounders. I was at a turning point in my life. After all the shit I had been through, everything was finally turning around. I had met and fallen in love with an amazing woman, who inspired me to be better, and everything changed from there.

The trials were tough, but I gave them my all. Being signed by the Sounders was easily one of the highest accomplishments of my life, professionally at least. I couldn't believe I was being paid for doing one of the things I love the most. It was utterly fulfilling.

I played with the Sounders for nine years. We won five championships, and I even got to play for ten minutes with the US National Team at the World Cup. It wasn't much, but it was more than I'd ever dreamed of achieving. I was able to make a living out of soccer. I was able to provide for my family. I was able to do it without killing myself or being miserable.

Soon after I got signed to play with the Sounders, I bought a house and asked Bella to move in with me. For some inexplicable reason, Bella wanted to be with me. I didn't comprehend it then. I struggled with it still. Bella was in her sophomore, and we had only started being together, after failing miserably at taking things slow, but she agreed to move in with me nonetheless. That was one of the happiest days of my life. She was busy with school, and I was too, with games and practice, but we made it work.

When Bella graduated, I asked her to marry me. I struggled with that decision for years. Not because I didn't think Bella wanted to marry me, but because I didn't understand why she would.

According to Dr. Denali, I had self-esteem issues. I started seeing Dr. Denali for my anxiety isues. It was all part of the Sounders' well-being program. Bella was very supportive of me talking to someone else about my issues. I didn't think it was necessary at first, but I now realize how much Dr. Denali has helped me.

I was finally able to speak about my mother and all the resentment I had toward her. I came to realize that my mother blamed me for my father's leaving. She resented me for it. It destroyed her life. She turned to drugs to ease her pain, and that was all there was to it. All I remembered was being left alone, all the time. Anytime my mother would address me, it would be to tell me how I was not good enough. But I have put it behind me. I would not let my past shape my future.

I even went to see my mother at the mental institution where she had been for almost ten years. I told her I was fine, better than fine really, that I was happy. I told her that, despite everything, I had accomplished something for myself, and that I was getting married. I don't think she recognized me — she was too far gone — but it still felt good to tell her I was okay.

Bella and I got married the summer after her graduation. She was starting grad school that year at UW. It was a small ceremony given the sizes of our families, which basically consisted of Mandy and Bella's dad. Some of our friends came too. Even her friend Jacob came. He was still not my biggest fan, but at least he now respected Bella's choices. They still remained friends.

After being married to Bella, there was nothing I wanted more than to start a family. But I respected her choice of wanting to finish grad school first. The year before Bella graduated from grad school, I was starting my ninth season with the Sounders. I had thought about retirement, but it wasn't until the year when I got hurt that I really considered it.

I injured my back at a game. I tore the annulus of one of my lower vertebrae. I don't think I had ever been in so much pain — well, maybe during detox — but it was still excruciating. The worst part was not being able to move. It hurt even lying down. That was truly a tough year. I tried to recover and play that season, but it was too much, especially with virtually no pain medication, so I decided to retire. To this day, my back still bothers me from time to time, but I have stayed clean for thirteen years — ever since Bella agreed to be with me. I was now the men's soccer team head coach at UW, where Bella finally found her faculty position last year.

"Dad, it's here! It's here!" Mandy squealed from the back of the car, distracting me from my memories. I looked through the rearview mirror. Mandy's smile didn't fit on her face. I parked next to the dorms, my hand locking around the break. I was trying to take deeper breaths to relax. Bella rubbed my fingers, and I looked at her and she smiled.

"It's going to be fine," Bella whispered, and I let go of the parking break.

Mandy was already out of the car getting her stuff out. Bella looked at her and smiled. "Let's go," Bella told me and got out of the car. When I got to the back of the car, my two girls were embracing one another.

"I'll call you tonight," Mandy said to Bella. Bella nodded as she arranged Mandy's curls that had come out of her hair clip. "Thank you so much for helping me pack. Dad is so clueless!" Mandy said, giggling. Apparently women needed many choices of outfits, and jeans and t-shirts were just not enough. "I love you, Daddy," Mandy said, hugging me.

I held her securely against my chest. My throat was in knots— I couldn't find the right words to say. I breathed in the scent of her hair and lost myself in thought again.

When Mandy had come to live with Bella and me, she was only nine years old. Bella had always been supportive of my relationship with Mandy. Even though, biologically, she was my niece, in my heart, she was always my daughter. And Bella understood that so perfectly. Bella never tried to be a mother figure for Mandy, and Mandy loved her and admired her regardless.

Under Bella's encouragement, I had talked to Tanya about sharing custody of Mandy. Tanya's mother was on my side since I had a stable job and finally had some monetary means to take proper care of them. We arranged for Mandy to spend weekends and some holidays with Bella and me. But it wasn't until Tanya got sick that I really pushed for sole custody. And when Tanya died, Bella and I had just gotten married and Bella insisted we adopt Mandy. It had been rough for her, but she was such an awesome kid. She worked hard in school; I think she learned that from Bella. We had explained to her that I wasn't her biological father, that Masen was, but she said she didn't care. She said it didn't matter. She said I was and will always be her daddy. She was the most extraordinary kid I'd ever met and she was mine.

Mandy had shown an interest in soccer since she was little. I tried not to push it on her too much, but who was I kidding? I was elated that she found joy in soccer like I did. Mandy played soccer through middle school and junior high. She played on the varsity team in high school, and she was awarded a scholarship to go to the University of Portland. Like I said, she was an extraordinary kid. She was outgoing and friendly; she was active and funny; she was beautiful and feminine; she was smart — she was everything.

"Dad!" Mandy whined from under my arms, struggling to get out of my embrace. I reluctantly let her go and sighed. I was still unable to find the words to say to her. I was completely overwhelmed. "Okay… this is it," Mandy said, grinning excitedly and looking at me. "Bella, is he going to be okay?"

"Yeah…" Bella laughed. "Just give him a minute." Great, now they were making fun of me.

"Mandy, please be careful out here…" I was able to finally say.

"Have fun, sweetie," Bella said, touching Mandy's cheek.

"You are going to be great, Mandy, just as you have so far. I love you and I am so proud of you," I said through the knot in my throat.

"Dad, you promised not to make me cry!" Mandy hugged me again, wrapping her arms tightly around my neck. "Okay…" She took a deep breath once she let me go. "I love you both!" She barely got out before she turned around and left quickly. I lay against the car for support. Bella came closer to me and took the hand from my chest.

"She's going to be fine," Bella whispered, kissing my cheek and caressing my hair. "We'll see her in three months."

"I know. It's just. I—" I said, looking at her. "I never thought… I dreamed of being able to give this life to her, but I never thought I could."

"But you did, Edward. You gave her the childhood you never had."

As Bella's word sank in, a smile finally spread on my face. "And I'm ready to do it all over again," I said, rubbing her swollen belly, where my first son was growing inside of her. "But right from the beginning," I said, kissing her. "And with you."

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~


End file.
